I Could Totally Give Birth

March 5, 2012

Men patronize women by complimenting them on their ability to give birth. Give me a vagina and a uterus filled with a baby that’s ready to party, and I know I could push it out. It wouldn’t be pretty; I’d definitely cry, scream and call a nurse the c-word,  but [...]

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Parenting Capital

March 1, 2012

The germ of this idea appeared in the post “Shower Guilt.” As much as we love our children, we also desperately seek opportunities and excuses to be away from them. That’s why parents are exhausted and forgetful: The relentless negotiation between two opposite emotions kills brain cells faster than whip-its. If [...]

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Look at This Jellyfish and I’ll Give You a Treat

February 25, 2012

“Guys, look at the giant sea turtle! No, stop climbing that wall and look at the … Hey, we have TVs at home. That button doesn’t do anything. No, that’s the emergency exit. Oh, look, PENGUINS! Guys, that’s the cafeteria. Come over here and look at the SHARKS. You can [...]

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And Then There Was Candy

February 23, 2012

This is for the leagues of you thinking, “Hey, how does Jason feel about candy?” Sour Patch Kids I generally don’t eat anything with such blatant ties to the doll industry, and usually do my best  to steer clear of ingesting candy in the shape of a child. So, when [...]

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Just Flow, Dad.

February 20, 2012

I’m supposed to be a “play-oriented, calm, flowy and creative” parent, right? I’m trying, but I fear that battle is causing my kids to experience me as inconsistant and moody. Sometimes I’m capable of redirecting their behavior to something more positive: “Hey kiddo pants! Instead of squirting all the lotion [...]

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Shower Guilt

February 15, 2012

Five years ago, I could shower whenever I wanted. Nothing was stopping me from turning the dial to that bullshit “massage” setting and standing under its annoyingly weak pulse for an hour at 2pm on a Saturday. It’s much better now that our boys are older, but when one of [...]

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PAT (People Against Testosterone)

February 13, 2012

“MEN!  Are you over 40 and lacking the energy you had in your teens? It’s because you have depleted levels of testosterone! All you need is MORE TESTOSTERONE and our medication will trick your body into making more of that magical youth serum so you can start feeling like your virile self [...]

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Drunk Talk

February 11, 2012

I vaguely recall those nights — drunk as the wind, regaling a sober friend with ridiculously enthusiastic opinions about inane topics. My self awareness was blinded by a chemical confidence telling me that I’m incredibly interesting. My sounding board was forced to smile and agree, all the while hatching a [...]

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Would You Like to Lie? Be My Guest.

February 10, 2012

6:30pm — Last night Silas (4 years old): I want to play the aligator game on the iPad with you. Me: Not right now, OK? Silas: But I want to. When can we play it? Me: Maybe a little bit at bed time. 6:40pm  – After some silent thinking Silas: [...]

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Notes on Man Stuff

February 7, 2012

I can’t remember the last time my wife and I made a decision based on classic gender roles. Some are obviously dictated by sex — male vs. female — only a woman can nurse a child, and such. But from a division of labor or decision making perspective, any quintessentially male [...]

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The Perfect Entertainer

February 4, 2012

Arlo (2) seems to be learning a new word every day. Today it was “Youtube,” on Friday, “Diarrhea.” His tongue is no match for his ambition, though, as he adorably butchers more complicated words . We laugh at him, with him, and about him when he’s sleeping or simply out [...]

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Sweet House, Steve.

February 2, 2012

My family had only been in LA for three hours before we wound up at Steve Vai’s house for a barbecue. Most of you probably don’t know who that is. Here’s all the information you need. He’s the reining king of progressive rock guitar and in case your eyes can’t see [...]

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Home Schoolers

January 30, 2012

Lindsay and I agree that neither of us is particularly suited to home school our kids. I don’t have the patience and she doesn’t know enough facts. If you want to see my wife scramble, ask her the name of the first man to orbit the earth, or why fire [...]

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No Sitting

January 29, 2012

One of my favorite things to do is sit. I like it almost as much as lying down and way more than kneeling, squatting, crouching, stooping or bowing. Bowing is terrible. Luckily, I’ve managed to do it only twice. I organize my day to maximize sitting time. If a certain [...]

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Froggy

January 26, 2012

I’m not sure who’s more attached to this stuffed animal: the owner or the owner’s parents. Two years ago when we nearly lost Froggy, Lindsay and I were way more panicked than Silas. He sat and watched — slack-jawed — as his mom and dad tore his home apart like [...]

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The Aftermath is a Petri Dish

January 23, 2012

Empty bottles of hand sanitizer are strewn about like shotgun shells on an abandoned battlefield. The hum and clank of our washing machine combined with the syncopated rhythm of cats batting around used paper towel rolls provides some white noise. It’s tranquil here since the influenza agreed to a temporary cease-fire. Retching, [...]

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Don’t You Want Your Own Bowl?

January 20, 2012

I eat cereal after Silas goes to bed. It’s what I do. It’s who I am. It defines me as a person. There’s a three hour difference in our kids’ bed times at the moment. The big guy (Silas) sacks out around 7:30 and his little brother (Arlo) is up [...]

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The Seven Stages of Parenting

January 18, 2012

If these look familiar, it’s because they are also the seven stages of grief. Shock and Denial During this stage, a parent is taken aback when it appears their child isn’t listening. Because they want to believe their child respects them, the parent assumes the child must not have heard [...]

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Big Night Out

January 17, 2012

I wrote this a while ago but could never find a home for it. It lives here now. Hope you enjoy. ********** A year ago our parenting method could have been called, “How to be The Giving Tree.” It wasn’t for the squeamish and we were concerned it might eventually [...]

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Thanks for Coning

January 16, 2012

Around 8am this morning, I received the following cryptic text message from my wife: Cone? Had I agreed the previous night to buy a traffic cone first thing in the morning? Was the text intended for someone else? Maybe she was having a discussion with a friend about the shape [...]

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A Floating Buffet

January 14, 2012

Seven years ago Lindsay and I went on our first and last cruise. We realized the first night we’re not cut from the red white and blue cloth needed to truly enjoy the Mecca of American excess. At a “Get to know your fellow cruisers” dinner, we were seated with [...]

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This Toy Maker is out to Save the World

January 12, 2012

As I understand it, two things can happen this year: The world ends (Mayan prophecy), or everything continues as normal (everyone else’s prophecy). Not a lot of grey area there, but those appear to be the two situations. Keep in mind that I get all my news from magazines at [...]

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Cleanse

January 11, 2012

Waaaaa, I’ve gained weight. But who doesn’t throw on a nice Crisco trenchcoat between the ages of 35 and 39? Meth heads? Good point. Like most modern dudes of my ilk, I’m not doing traditional manly stuff like nation building and wench buying. Back in our heyday, we could get [...]

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Hey, who left this gum here?

January 10, 2012

When an eight year old finds a mysterious gum ball (GBOUKO – “gum ball of unknown origin”) on his dresser, he doesn’t ask questions. He looks around quickly for evidence of foul play, and chews it. Blue was my favorite “flavor,” but given the banality of that particular Sunday afternoon, [...]

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“Coing Coing Coing”

January 9, 2012

Most mornings our kids’ playroom looks like an ancient Roman bank excavated from the ruins of Pompeii. It’s littered with brittle pieces of clay money; some in stacks, others lying broken on the floor. Considering how decrepit they appear, it’s odd that they once had such immense value. If there’s one [...]

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Day 365: Series Finale

January 7, 2012

I recommend listening to Sia’s “Breath Me” while reading this post. Go ahead, click on it. Dramatic, right? I think drama is unavoidable today, since, as a finale, the desire to reflect and tie things up is irresistible. I’m a little nervous and also listening to “Breath Me.” Please keep those things in [...]

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Day 364: The Young Narcissus

January 6, 2012

I would love to see video of myself as a toddler. Maybe it would explain my adult personality. “Oh, look, I’m brooding in the corner while the other kids are playing duck duck goose. I guess it’s just in my DNA to be antisocial.” It would free me from hoping [...]

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Day 363: The Cat Hunter

January 5, 2012

The house cat’s only natural predator is a 2-year old boy. Our feline (Oliver) cannot rest for fear of being sat upon or aggressively preened. He’s subjected to various kinds of aural and physical torture; not for information, but something far more frightening: thrills. Imagine you’ve been taken hostage, and [...]

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Day 362: The Human Pipe Cleaner

January 4, 2012

To avoid mass hysteria, we use an acronym around here. “C.E.C.” stands for Chuck E. Cheese, which if said within earshot of the kids, triggers emotional multi-ball. Silas jumps up and down, yelling “I want to go right now,” while Arlo drifts into a zombie-like state, wandering around chanting “Shoing E Shee … [...]

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Day 361: Regarding Humphrey

January 3, 2012

Yesterday, standing outside Village Coffee, Lindsay reached for my double espresso, took a sip, stared at me, took another sip, stared, smiled, sipped again, and said, “Sorry, I’m totally kibashing [sic] your coffee.” So many things wrong here, and so little time to explore them. The first problem was how she said [...]

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