I’ve been mildly panicked over the past few days about what to get Lindsay for Christmas. Luckily, this morning, she had a gift epiphany and proclaimed,
“I love snakes! You know what? I want a snake for Christmas, but not one that can strangle me or has teeth.”
Finally, a definitive answer. The pressure’s off now. No more wandering around Anthropologie looking for something “alternative, but not bohemian grandma.” If my beautiful wife – the mother of my amazing children – wants a snake, then goddamn it, she’ll get a snake. Continue…
Why are there reindeer in my town? I don’t need to see an actual reindeer to feel Christmasy. I especially don’t need to see four of them chillin’ on the grassy knoll across the street from the fro-yo shop. No one wants to be reminded that reindeer are real – that instead of sweet little Donners and Blitzens, they’re enormous snout-breathing beasts poised to escape their enclosure and rampage the entire town.
If we found out that Santa was real, but was a giant arctic barbarian who, instead of a jolly “Ho Ho Ho,” bellowed dark Inuit chants about whale blubber, we’d all agree to keep him in captivity and stick with the Santa image we’re used to. Continue…
We never hear anything about the toddler Jesus. I’ve never read The Bible, so maybe I’m totally wrong. We hear stuff about the baby Jesus and his manger and animals and frankincense, but from 1 week old to 20 something, the apostles didn’t have much to say about the savior. The supposed son of God wasn’t born looking like the lead singer of Creed; he learned to walk (first on land and then on water), he probably peed on stuff, sat on the cat, covered his face in hummus and sucked at hide and seek. Continue…
I think it’s possible to write one of those banal Dora books in about as much time as it takes to read one: 5 minutes.
Starting the timer … now.
Dora Visits Her Homeland
Hola! I’m Dora and I’m going to visit my home country!
Mi Mami and Papi are driving. Do you like to drive with your Mami and Papi?
Can you count how many red cars I can see out my window?
Good! There are 4 red cars!
Here we are. Continue…
I’m guessing it was a long ride to see the baby Jesus that morning.
Steve (Wise man 1)
You guys have any suggestions where we might find myrrh at this hour?
Gary (Wise man 2)
No idea. I think gold and frankincense are plenty, no?
Robbie (Wise man 3)
We have to have myrrh. I’m not kidding, guys.
Garry
Good Lord, Robbie it’s always myrrh with you.
Steve
That was my horse, I swear.
Gary
What was?
Steve
Never mind.
Robbie
He just blamed a fart on his horse. Continue…
