Category: Weird Stuff
- Of course I panicked a little late about this hurricane, so by the time Silas and I made it to Target yesterday all the good stuff was gone. The store appeared stocked, but a closer look revealed that the bottled water left on the shelves was sparkling and the batteries were all AAAs, and I'm not really concerned about the ability of Arlo's electronic piggy bank to deliver its best snort throughout the storm. But I also couldn't leave empty-handed.
It was the largest beet I’d ever seen. They’re listed as “challenging” in the juicing book, which I believe is code for “NO!!!!!” After 20 minutes of prepping, washing, and liquefying pears, carrots, apples and a shrunken mummy head on which Whole Foods placed a sticker that read “beet”, I had a half-full pitcher of purple liquid that I would clearly have to pour down my gullet at great speed — this was not the kind of juice I wanted to taste.
I drank the liter in around 15 seconds. Two pears, three apples, five carrots, and a hairy Wookie testicle.
“MEN! Are you over 40 and lacking the energy you had in your teens? It’s because you have depleted levels of testosterone! All you need is MORE TESTOSTERONE and our medication will trick your body into making more of that magical youth serum so you can start feeling like your virile self again! 50 is the new 18!
I’m assuming you’ve seen the commercials with the sad dumpy middle aged guy who looks like he would love to throw a football but only has enough energy to eat microwaved corn dogs and stink up the seat of his recliner.
We should all dread the day when men over 40 start feeling like they’re 18 again.
As I understand it, two things can happen this year: The world ends (Mayan prophecy), or everything continues as normal (everyone else’s prophecy). Not a lot of grey area there, but those appear to be the two situations. Keep in mind that I get all my news from magazines at pharmacies. Seems like given those two options, the toy/training facility you see below, might just be the perfect gift.
Let’s say the world ends. Terrible, yes, but bad stuff happens to good planets every day. I’m sure some people will survive, and they better know how to grow some serious crops, right?