This is an odd time of year. Women begin to inexplicably place gourds throughout the house and the Internet is abuzz with demands that we put flightless birds in seasoning socks and roast them upside down. It’s also a stressful time of year. I can hear the entire country yelling, “I thought we had a gravy boat!” and “Apparently aunt Jackie is bringing uncle Walt with her. Can you check if CVS carries hemorrhoid donuts?”
All the chaos makes it tragically easy for us to forget about our year-round favorite food: Toast.

The only thing Lindsay and I do really well in the kitchen is eat. Neither of us has any confidence in ourselves or each other to create anything edible. The idea of cooking more than one thing at a time gives us both heart palpitations. Since Thanksgiving this year is mostly up to us, and we’re inept and severely handicapped by children wanting to “help,” the only thing we’re actually cooking is the turkey. The rest comes from a variety of boxes that say “Trader Joe’s” on them. The pumpkin pie comes in a plastic container that also says “Trader Joe’s” on it. Continue…

For those of you that recently started reading 365, here’s a curated list of 10 of my favorite entries about kids/family.

Also, thanks for joining the “fan” page.


Texts From Last Night


And, They’re Asleep

Dad, What’s Your Policy on Machine Guns?

Stop Crying!

Do You Need a Break?

Scared Straight

Scooby Doo

Buy My Book!





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I went to the beach today for the last time in my life. I’ve given beaches plenty of chances not to suck and they always fail. After 5 minutes, I’m sweaty, salty, and stingy. That’s not even remotely tolerable when you’re alone, but when you also have 2 genetically unprepared children with you complaining about heat exhaustion and butts full of moist sand, it can result in a psychotic break. You ever try to get wet sand out of a 2 year-old’s ass crack? You have to do it GRAIN BY GRAIN.

Honestly, I’m pissed off because the beach is something I want to like. Continue…

People don’t really change. That’s what I’m trying to be clever about here. You realize that as you get older. There’s a time in your life when you’re old enough to have vivid memories of your parents at your age. I remember what my Dad was like when he was 39, and now that I’m that age, I understand him way better. When you’re young you think adults have everything together. When an adult, you realize that “grown-ups” are really still children who have accumulated more baggage but learned how to hide it and talk to people without crying, throwing a fit, or needing to make them a mix tape. Continue…

I’m not a warrior in the battle of the sexes. In fact, I don’t even think men and women are on different sides of the field. My wife and I make decisions together. Sometimes she’s right, sometimes I’m right, and  sometimes we even agree. We fight about stuff, but it’s not because she’s a woman and I’m a man, it’s because we live in the same house and have to agree on how to raise two small boys so they don’t grow up and kill us in our sleep. I’m not bragging about my marriage or my family at all, I’m just telling you upfront that I’m not actively in the battlefield at the moment. Continue…

Oh boy am I in Hollywood right now. I’m sitting at a table next to Patton Oswalt as he goes through his punch-up of some guy’s movie (I just heard him say “ok, so what’s this Wizard’s journey?”) On the other side of me is an Australian dude talking about the details of Jon Hamm’s Madmen contract. And then there’s me, feeling like I work for TMZ.

I’ve only been here 4 days so I could be full of shit, but here’s the 5 types of people I’ve noticed in Hollywood. Each type comes with a gay version and everyone has a small dog. Continue…

All 4 of us are off to Los Angeles tomorrow for 3 weeks. No, I didn’t land a coveted role opposite Judith Light in a Lifetime movie. We”re just going to check it out – part vacation, part work (hopefully). This means we have to get on a flight again. No matter how much you love your family, you don’t want to be in that close proximity to them for more than 25 minutes. We have to do it for 6 hours and we don’t have good seats. The 4 of us will be taking up row 30 on a 737 and basically ruining the flight for everyone else. Continue…

I don’t think many people knew Mike intimately, and I’m not going to claim to be one of them, but he was my good friend, and I miss him. If I were to tell a stranger just one thing about Mike, it’s that he cared. He cared about everything. Nothing was unimportant, but nothing was too important. He was passionate without being obsessed. He appeared to be in a state of relative balance, never taking himself too seriously, while taking the happiness and comfort of those around him very seriously. Even when he tried to dish out tough love, I could see right through it. Continue…

It has begun. Silas is finding out about super heroes. His first exposure is to the Super Friends – Superman, Batman, The Flash, The Green Lantern, and Aquaman. I guess they are all DC comic book heroes, and I’m not gonna get into any kind of debate over DC vs. Marvel.  I understand this can get heated, but I’m not 42, bearded, and drinking a wine cooler with other 40 year old bearded men who enjoy arguing about their childhoods. Actually, that’s not true at all, replace comic books with 80’s hair metal, and I’m totally down for a wine cooler fueled argument that ends in a pillow fight. Continue…