No, It Has to Be Panel Ready

A week after moving into our new house, the milk didn’t seem very cold. Then the popsicles turned to plastic bags of colorful liquid—drinkable, though hardly the treat they once were. But the tragedy here was that the icepacks we put in Silas’ lunch wouldn’t freeze. This sent Lindsay into a mild panic. I mentioned[…]

Why Parents Can’t Lose Weight

I’m convinced that an evil agribusiness conglomerate (not sure what conglomerate means)  injects kids’ food with a chemical that activates the brain’s pleasure center. I know this is anecdotal, but whenever I gorge on Teddy Grahams, I feel like I don’t need to take my Wellbutrin that night. The yellow powdery cheddar cocaine that comes[…]

Just a Little Small Talk at The Salon

I think I’m the most emotionally and socially vulnerable while getting a haircut. Why do they make me wear a gown? Moments after sitting down, I already look ridiculous. My stylist always does some kind of diagnostic fluffing that leaves me looking like I lost a pillow fight. Then comes the washing and drying, which[…]

Cleanse

Waaaaa, I’ve gained weight. But who doesn’t throw on a nice Crisco trenchcoat between the ages of 35 and 39? Meth heads? Good point. Like most modern dudes of my ilk, I’m not doing traditional manly stuff like nation building and wench buying. Back in our heyday, we could get fat and just be the[…]

Day 279: The Stand-up Drug

Thinking in terms of achievement and legitimacy, instead of creativity and growth, earns any “artist” a one-way ticket on the bitter bus to Hacktown. Lately, I’ve wanted to be booked on shows for approval and acceptance, rather than the opportunity to perform. I’ve taken it as a sign to perhaps accept stand-up’s persistent pleas to change its[…]

Day 246: The Feet Rubbers.

My Father’s a foot rubber. His father was a foot rubber. I’m one and so is my youngest son. I’m not talking about some new age-y genetic defect that makes you want to give foot rubs to people all the time. I’m talking about the insatiable appetite to rub my own feet together to calm[…]

Day 231: Glasses

I have to wear glasses when using my computer. The fact that my eyes are tired after 39 years of work isn’t surprising. Here’s the rub. I look like a complete psychopath in glasses. After searching for months, this is the best I could come up with. And yes, I know I’m slightly less photogenic[…]