About a year ago, I drove through a pothole and my front tire exploded. Because I’m a proper lady, I called AAA to come put my spare on for me. I drove the doughnut-wheeled car to the Honda dealership where I waited for them to replace the tire. I texted my wife and told her that I’d be stuck there for a few hours, to which she responded, “Oh God, I’m so jealous. I would do anything to get a break like that.” Lesson: No matter how much we love our children, we’re also desperate to get away from them. Before having a family, taking out the garbage was a chore; now it’s a thirty-second vacation.
Here, you’ll find the psychologically complicated eight-step process my son used to trick me into sleeping in his bed with him. I encourage you to watch for the warning signs that your kid might be attempting something similar.
Step 1. Establish need: Wake frequently at night, causing your father to go from a dead sleep to a full-on sprint at least 15 times a night. You’re the first born, so your parents still freak-out anytime you cry. Use this to your advantage.
Step 2. Convergence: After twelve consecutive nights, your parents will start putting you to sleep in their bed where you’ll stay all night.
We no longer have babies and should — at least traditionally — have no use for baby wipes. But I’m here to admit that we just received a brand new shipment. On my list of priorities these days, “conserving paper” is right above “Inventing a car that runs on pee.” A year ago, when I changed a diaper, I would lay out a dozen of them, like I was setting up a game of wipe solitaire. We still have a container in nearly every room and use them now for a variety off-label uses.
- Degreasing my phone
- Crushing bugs
- Moistening a temporary tattoo
- Wipe-down the refrigerator handles.
For those times when parental energy is at its lowest, I’ve invented some games that require virtually no effort. When done correctly, they’ve have allowed me to catch a quick nap.
- Put all the sunglasses and hats on daddy
- Take off daddy’s socks
- Put mommy’s socks on daddy
- Try to lift daddy
- Put the cats on daddy
- The wind monster (just blow on them. If you really commit, you might pass-out and that’s the same as sleeping.)
- HUMAN BODY TOWER (also called The Sandwich)
- Pull daddy around on a sleeping bag
- Breath holding competition
- Daddy’s a giant conga drum (Think of it as acupressure therapy.)
- Daddy’s a guitar!