Consider This Your Warning

Be prepared to probably not do any of the following things for at least three years after having children. These are in no particular order:

  1. Say no to pizza
  2. Floss
  3. Canoe
  4. Take more than 8 minutes to eat a meal
  5. Have a great pair of socks
  6. Set your alarm
  7. Go antiquing
  8. Stretch
  9. Like your hair
  10. Hold in a fart
  11. Hang glide
  12. Make a Salad
  13. Listen to a story
  14. Use a hot tub
  15. Iron something
  16. Snorkel
  17. Karate
  18. Emergency couple’s therapy

Don’t freak-out.

Tips For Calling In Sick

My friend Jeremy has a great policy: If you’re going to call in sick to work, make it something your boss will be too scared or embarrassed to question. He has used “I have to get my lung drained” on multiple occasions. The response is usually, “Oh God, take as much time as you need.” BINGO. Here are some[…]

Don’t Do Things Like I Do

I can’t do anything without my seven year-old questioning my motives. I know he’s just trying to figure out how the world works and what motivates people, but his curiosity is forcing me to analyze my own behavior, and it’s hard enough to admit to myself that I grabbed the 1% milk instead of the whole[…]

Taking My Father’s Class

I was the youngest student in the class and unfortunately the most naive and confident—there’s no more toxic a combination than youth and bravado. The other students were college juniors from prestigious universities, and I was fresh off graduating from Rutherford Hayes high school in Delaware Ohio. My Dad had accepted a director position at[…]

Operation Roommate

Here, you’ll find the psychologically complicated eight-step process my son used to trick me into sleeping in his bed with him. I encourage you to watch for the warning signs that your kid might be attempting something similar. Step 1. Establish need: Wake frequently at night, causing your father to go from a dead sleep[…]