I Found The Missing Shoe

We were trying to get out the door, and Arlo was one shoe short of a pair. In these situations, I wander aimlessly, often looking in ridiculous places so that perhaps I might heroically discover a missing mitten in the back of the freezer. It’s never worked. Lindsay always finds the missing item because her goal is to succeed, and mine is to be amazing. I was searching the fireplace when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the

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Signs My Wife Made

Sometimes when our matriarch grows weary of repeating herself, she makes a sign. That way, it’s impossible for us to misunderstand her intentions. Here are some of my favorites. Feel free to use them on your own husband, wife, lover, partner, child, dog, ferret, etc. #1 Despite many friendly requests for me to stop, I continue to use the wrong milk on my cereal. You see, sometimes we have multiple cartons in the refrigerator, and occasionally I ignore the one that’s

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Moving: It’s All About The Cats

I don’t remember the exact order, but I seem to recall that “moving” is right next to “spontaneous combustion of one’s hair” on the list of life’s most stressful events. At least when your hair is engulfed in flames, there’s a quick and easy fix, and even if you can’t find a bucket of water, heavy blanket, or construction helmet in time, the panic subsides rapidly, leaving you with no other choice but to wait until it grows back. It’s

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The Divide and Conquer Technique

The beauty of domestic bliss is that it’s so elusive. Our family is usually at its most dysfunctional when all four of us are together. My wife and I try to discuss important “grown-up stuff,” which the kids react to as if it were a level-4 biohazard that can only be neutralized via obnoxious singing and fights over crackers. And it works: we stop talking to each other and start speaking tersely to them about being patient and waiting for us to complete our conversation

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Nap Guilt

Yesterday, after returning from a five day long trip which required leaving my wife at home with both kids, I took a nap.  Now before you call the police, I want you to know it was an accident. There was no premeditation involved, so at worst I’m guilty only of involuntary napping. I fell asleep with my coat on and the only thing more indicative of an unwitting snooze is dozing off while standing. My wife was nice enough not

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