Here are fifteen things I know about myself at 40 years old that I didn’t know when I was 20. I hope this can be of some help to those of you still trying to find your way through the forest of enlightenment (Huh?).
- I can occasionally wear sandals and not feel like a guy who wears sandals.
- I’m finished experimenting with facial hair.
- A hug from one of my sons is the only thing that stops time.
- I’m not Zen enough to understand the instructions for being Zen.
Non drinkers need to stop hiding behind NA beers disguised as regular beers. Here are a few suggestions for some more honest options. I know I would drink them with pride.
- Visitation Amber — What do you want more? Alcohol or weekends with your kids?
- Colt 86 — Keep the malt. Eighty-six the liquor.
- Let it Go — Face it, booze was never going to make your father come home.
- Coors Clear — Tap the Rockies, not the babysitter.
- Lead Foot Lager — You can totally drink me in your car!
I vaguely recall those nights — drunk as the wind, regaling a sober friend with ridiculously enthusiastic opinions about inane topics. My self awareness was blinded by a chemical confidence telling me that I’m incredibly interesting. My sounding board was forced to smile and agree, all the while hatching a social escape plan. Now that I’m sober, and frequently in that conversation electric chair, I feel qualified to provide a few tips to drinkers.
If you’re drunk, and talking to someone who isn’t, and you haven’t the heart (or awareness) to cut them loose, you can at least avoid any statements that start with the following:
- Oh my God, you have to try these crepes.
If my 2 year old son had the verbal skills and self-awareness to make a Christmas list, I imagine it might read something like this.
Not sure how this works, but here goes. This is all the stuff I want.
- My own dishwasher that I can open and use the door as a trampoline. There’s something about the springiness that I haven’t been able to replicate anywhere else.
- If you have control over laws and stuff like that (you must have sway at least, right?), make shoes illegal.