Non drinkers need to stop hiding behind NA beers disguised as regular beers. Here are a few suggestions for some more honest options. I know I would drink them with pride.
- Visitation Amber — What do you want more? Alcohol or weekends with your kids?
- Colt 86 — Keep the malt. Eighty-six the liquor.
- Let it Go — Face it, booze was never going to make your father come home.
- Coors Clear — Tap the Rockies, not the babysitter.
- Lead Foot Lager — You can totally drink me in your car!
- PGA Lite — Hey Steve, haven’t you broken enough putters?
I vaguely recall those nights — drunk as the wind, regaling a sober friend with ridiculously enthusiastic opinions about inane topics. My self awareness was blinded by a chemical confidence telling me that I’m incredibly interesting. My sounding board was forced to smile and agree, all the while hatching a social escape plan. Now that I’m sober, and frequently in that conversation electric chair, I feel qualified to provide a few tips to drinkers.
If you’re drunk, and talking to someone who isn’t, and you haven’t the heart (or awareness) to cut them loose, you can at least avoid any statements that start with the following:
- Oh my God, you have to try these crepes.
If my 2 year old son had the verbal skills and self-awareness to make a Christmas list, I imagine it might read something like this.
Not sure how this works, but here goes. This is all the stuff I want.
- My own dishwasher that I can open and use the door as a trampoline. There’s something about the springiness that I haven’t been able to replicate anywhere else.
- If you have control over laws and stuff like that (you must have sway at least, right?), make shoes illegal. I bet that one’s on other kids’ lists too.
- How many lollipops do you have up there in Greenland?
Here are some baby names I think people are over looking. I hope this helps steer some of you expectant parents in the right direction.
- Turkey (Turk)
- God, Zeus, Dio, or Sting
- Farnsworth (personal fav)
- The Edge (clearly there aren’t enough names with “the” in front of them)
- The Boss (case in point)
- The Steve (bad example)
- Pope (I really wish my name was Pope)
- Tommy Lee
- Heinz 57 Sauce
- Lionel (I’ve never met a Lionel, but would like to.)
- Yummy Salad
- Duodenum (eh, maybe not)
- Magdalen (let’s take it back, ladies)
- PEANUT (always in all caps)
Sorry, in advance, as I’m sure I missed some obvious good ones. Continue…
Stuck to the back of a minivan was a bumper sticker in the shape of a bone that read: “I love my Granddog” I saw this during the first 30 minutes of a 4 hour drive. I spent the next 3 hours and 30 minutes asking myself “WHAT THE HELL IS A GRANDDOG?!” I actually yelled that to myself alone in the car. Here are the possibilities as I see them.
The person driving the car had a daughter who was, by some freak genetic mishap, born a canis familiaris (dog). That dog (the driver’s daughter) had a child of her own (with another dog? Continue…
My friend Jeremy has a great policy: If you’re going to call in sick to work, make it something your boss will be too scared or embarrassed to question. He has used “I have to get my lung drained” on multiple occasions. The response is usually, “Oh God, take as much time as you need.” BINGO. Here are some more suggestions. Try them out and let me know how they worked for you.
- Organ rejections. “My body is rejecting the pig aorta I got when I was 17. Did you know I had a heart defect that caused me to need a pig aorta?
We need these things/products/services as quickly as possible. I would do it if I knew anything about anything. Some of these might already exist. Who knows.
- Kravitz be Gone: A subscription service that guarantees you wont’ be exposed to anything Lenny Kravitz related.
- Runs Detector: This would be a little piece of litmus paper that you dip into mexican or indian food and it tells you the likelihood of it giving you diarrhea.
- Toddler Stasis Chamber: Basically something that turns a child off. They are fed and happy and safe, but unable to communicate or move. Should probably put a max of 3 hours on it so it’s not abused.
These are in no particular order and RIGHT off the top of my head.
- Blow up a car.
- Go back to St. Thomas with my wife before I look like shit.
- Run 100 balls in straight pool.
- Trash an expensive hotel room.
- Understand the movie 12 Monkeys.
- Put out a CD of my comedy (not self produced).
- Get more chest hair.
- Be involved in a titanium suitcase transfer.
- Spend a spring with my whole family in a Villa in Tuscany.
- Have a drug fueled weekend with old friends.
- Go to a theater to watch a movie I wrote/ Watch the premiere of a show I wrote on television.