Lists

I’m 41. I know that’s not old, but my age has given me some perspective on the mistakes I made as a younger man. So, to all of you still in your 20′s, here’s some advice. Take it or leave it.

  1. Get to work late, leave early and take all your sick days. Success at work only results in more work.
  2. If you want kids, have them now.
  3. Make love to a woman in her late 30s or 40′s.
  4. That’s not the worst hangover you’ll ever have.
  5. Nothing is serious unless it’s a mole that changes shape.
  6. Floss.
  7. Spend a lot less time doing the “have to’s” and a lot more time doing the “want to’s.”
  8. Mushrooms are better than LSD.
  9. Continue…

Non drinkers need to stop hiding behind NA beers disguised as regular beers. Here are a few suggestions for some more honest options. I know I would drink them with pride.

  1. Visitation Amber — What do you want more? Alcohol or weekends with your kids?
  2. Colt 86 — Keep the malt. Eighty-six the liquor.
  3. Let it Go — Face it,  booze was never going to make your father come home.
  4. Coors Clear — Tap the Rockies, not the babysitter.
  5. Lead Foot Lager — You can totally drink me in your car!
  6. PGA Lite — Hey Steve, haven’t you broken enough putters?
  7. Continue…

I vaguely recall those nights — drunk as the wind, regaling a sober friend with ridiculously enthusiastic opinions about inane topics. My self awareness was blinded by a chemical confidence telling me that I’m incredibly interesting. My sounding board was forced to smile and agree, all the while hatching a social escape plan. Now that I’m sober, and frequently in that conversation electric chair, I feel qualified to provide a few tips to drinkers.

If you’re drunk, and talking to someone who isn’t, and you haven’t the heart (or awareness) to cut them loose, you can at least avoid any statements that start with the following:

  1. Oh my God, you have to try these crepes.
  2. Continue…

If my 2 year old son had the verbal skills and self-awareness to make a Christmas list, I imagine it might read something like this.

Hi Santa,

Not sure how this works, but here goes. This is all the stuff I want.

  1. My own dishwasher that I can open and use the door as a trampoline. There’s something about the springiness that I haven’t been able to replicate anywhere else.
  2. If you have control over laws and stuff like that (you must have sway at least, right?), make shoes illegal. I bet that one’s on other kids’ lists too.
  3. How many lollipops do you have up there in Greenland?
  4. Continue…

  1. Challenge yourself every day. Try climbing the stairs carrying two soccer balls while wearing your father’s shoes. Remember, failure IS an option.
  2. De-clutter! Start by throwing all your dishes in the garbage. After that I suggest toothbrushes and important paper work.
  3. Pee on the floor and stomp in it like a puddle. You’ll be shocked how much better you feel.
  4. Whether the glass is half empty or half full is irrelevant if you dump it out on the sofa. You’re welcome.
  5. If you’re feeling aggressive, or just bored, scream in a cat’s face.
  6. Don’t ever be afraid to hand someone an ice cube while they’re on the toilet.
  7. Continue…

Here are some baby names I think people are over looking. I hope this helps steer some of you expectant parents in the right direction.

Boys

  1. Eleven
  2. Turkey (Turk)
  3. God, Zeus, Dio, or Sting
  4. Farnsworth (personal fav)
  5. The Edge (clearly there aren’t enough names with “the” in front of them)
  6. The Boss (case in point)
  7. The Steve (bad example)
  8. Budweiser
  9. L.O.L
  10. Pope (I really wish my name was Pope)
  11. Klonopin
  12. Tommy Lee
  13. Heinz 57 Sauce
  14. Zantac
  15. Beavis
  16. Lionel (I’ve never met a Lionel, but would like to.)

Girls

  1. Coriander
  2. Scarf
  3. Canasta
  4. Valtrex
  5. Yummy Salad
  6. Furr
  7. Duodenum (eh, maybe not)
  8. Magdalen (let’s take it back, ladies)
  9. Viola
  10. Effexor
  11. Myhhr
  12. Glamour
  13. Marie-Claire
  14. Privilege
  15. Xanax
  16. Kixx
  17. PEANUT (always in all caps)
Sorry, in advance, as I’m sure I missed some obvious good ones. Continue…

Stuck to the back of a minivan was a bumper sticker in the shape of a bone that read: “I love my Granddog” I saw this during the first 30 minutes of a 4 hour drive. I spent the next 3 hours and 30 minutes asking myself “WHAT THE HELL IS A GRANDDOG?!” I actually yelled that to myself alone in the car. Here are the possibilities as I see them.

Possibility 1:

The person driving the car had a daughter who was, by some freak genetic mishap, born a canis familiaris (dog). That dog (the driver’s daughter) had a child of her own (with another dog? Continue…

  1. Ask my wife if we have any Klondike Bars.
  2. Say yes when someone offers me a Klondike Bar.
  3. Tell someone I would probably eat a Klondike Bar if they gave me one.
  4. Choose a Klondike Bar when offered it among other less savory choices.
  5. Say “Klondike Bar” 4 times.
  6. Eat a warm-up Klondike Bar.
  7. Draw a Klondike Bar with an easily attainable pencil or pen.
  8. Write down the words “Klondike Bar” on some kind of ordering menu at a place that offers Klondike Bars.
  9. Cross the street to talk to someone who’s yelling “I have free Klondike Bars”
  10. Call a toll free number that guarantees free delivery of Klondike Bars.
  11. Continue…

My friend Jeremy has a great policy: If you’re going to call in sick to work, make it something your boss will be too scared or embarrassed to question. He has used “I have to get my lung drained” on multiple occasions. The response is usually, “Oh God, take as much time as you need.” BINGO. Here are some more suggestions. Try them out and let me know how they worked for you.

  • Organ rejections. “My body is rejecting the pig aorta I got when I was 17. Did you know I had a heart defect that caused me to need a pig aorta?
  • Continue…

We need these things/products/services as quickly as possible. I would do it if I knew anything about anything. Some of these might already exist. Who knows.

  1. Kravitz be Gone: A subscription service that guarantees you wont’ be exposed to anything Lenny Kravitz related.
  2. Runs Detector: This would be a little piece of litmus paper that you dip into mexican or indian food and it tells you the likelihood of it giving you diarrhea.
  3. Toddler Stasis Chamber: Basically something that turns a child off. They are fed and happy and safe, but unable to communicate or move. Should probably put a max of 3 hours on it so it’s not abused.
  4. Continue…