And Then There Was Candy

This is for the leagues of you thinking, “Hey, how does Jason feel about candy?” Sour Patch Kids I generally don’t eat anything with such blatant ties to the doll industry, and usually do my best  to steer clear of ingesting candy in the shape of a child. So, when I  frantically gobble a whole[…]

Day 320: The Truth About Thanksgiving

I wanted to take a swing at all the cherished delicacies we eat for Thanksgiving before my family comes so none of them take it personally. Turkey Want some fresh turkey with nothing on it? Just stuff your mouth with Carr’s Water Crackers. Do turkeys ever drink water? It’s no wonder their skin sags so much,[…]

Day 294: Greetings, Salad

Salad! Tone it down a touch. You’re getting a little too cool for your bowl. Some salads are fine, and some are even exceptional, but I don’t think anyone should be OK with eating something served to them with tongs. Let’s get to it. Caesar Salad You come from Mexico but you’re named after a Roman[…]

Day 280: Treatise on Bread

I think I ate half a loaf yesterday. Toast is my favorite food. I hope that someday I get a disease that only toast can cure. I like a lot of butter on it. I make buttered toast sandwiches every day. It’s the first thing I eat when I get up in the morning and[…]

Day 264: Cheese

Hey cheese, sorry it’s taken me so long to tell you how disgusting you are. Basically your scheme is to convince us that milk is still awesome 4 years after it’s gone bad. You were originally consumed sometime during the Renaissance because all the milk spoiled but people were starving so they tried to drink it anyway.[…]

Day 252: What up, Cereal?

I’m afraid to even tackle this. People are way more passionate about cereal then they are about fruit or berries. Here goes. Lucky Charms I’ve had a couple bites of you without your so-called marshmallows, and, to be honest, I thought, “Wow, these manilla envelopes taste really gross.” Basically, you took a really bad cereal[…]

Day 245: Your Turn, Berries

Buckle in, berries, this is gonna be a rough ride. Blueberries I get it, you’re ADORABLE, but honestly, you’re just a tiny pitless plum. Your hit rate is atrocious. Roughly 90% of the time I put one of you in my mouth, I think “Did I just eat a giant blister?” Actually, I think that[…]

Day 243: Fruit Part Deux

Getting a lot of requests to rip on other kinds of fruit. You can read the previous tirade here if you missed it. Here goes: Pineapple Are you some kind of medieval weapon? I don’t want to be injured by my fruit. You look like something that grows on the bottom of an old sailboat. Why[…]

Day 238: OK, But What About Fruit?

Since I’ve covered spices meats beverages and vegetables & salad dressings  it’s only fair that I round out the series of  “Hey, what’s up with food?” by attacking fruit. Orange First off, you need to decide how many peels you have. I peel off that first layer only to find some gross translucent membrane that I have no clue[…]