Letters to Food

This is for the leagues of you thinking, “Hey, how does Jason feel about candy?”

Sour Patch Kids
I generally don’t eat anything with such blatant ties to the doll industry, and usually do my best  to steer clear of ingesting candy in the shape of a child. So, when I  frantically gobble a whole bag of you in 45 seconds while waiting in line at Walgreens — which I do with shameful frequency — I don’t feel particularly good physically or mentally. Taste, as it turns out, is far more powerful a motivator than morality,  guilt, eyesight, health, self-esteem, reason or shame. Continue…

I wanted to take a swing at all the cherished delicacies we eat for Thanksgiving before my family comes so none of them take it personally.

Turkey
Want some fresh turkey with nothing on it? Just stuff your mouth with Carr’s Water Crackers. Do turkeys ever drink water? It’s no wonder their skin sags so much, they’re dangerously dehydrated. That annoying gobbling sound is their  muscles rubbing together. Meat should never be flakey. Oh, and I know the dark meat is juicier. Too bad it tastes like rotting lamb. Turkey exists as food because someone was starving and couldn’t find a chicken. Continue…

Salad!

Tone it down a touch. You’re getting a little too cool for your bowl. Some salads are fine, and some are even exceptional, but I don’t think anyone should be OK with eating something served to them with tongs. Let’s get to it.

Caesar Salad
You come from Mexico but you’re named after a Roman emperor? No, stop it! I don’t care what the story is. I’m sure it’s long and boring and involves some crucial piece of history I don’t know about, and I don’t feel like being embarrassed right now. You taste fine and all, and I enjoy the ample croutons, but more than anything, you’re a phenomenal burp machine. Continue…

I think I ate half a loaf yesterday. Toast is my favorite food. I hope that someday I get a disease that only toast can cure. I like a lot of butter on it. I make buttered toast sandwiches every day. It’s the first thing I eat when I get up in the morning and I spend the rest of the day waiting until I can eat it again.

I tell you this because I want you to understand that I’m an expert on bread. What follow are not opinions, but gastronomical facts. Some might even consider this a manifesto of sorts. Continue…

Hey cheese, sorry it’s taken me so long to tell you how disgusting you are. Basically your scheme is to convince us that milk is still awesome 4 years after it’s gone bad.

You were originally consumed sometime during the Renaissance because all the milk spoiled but people were starving so they tried to drink it anyway. They found that the milk had became a solid, and while the thought of eating solid milk made them all dry heave, their only other option was dying of starvation.

Edible milk. That’s what you are, and you should be ashamed of yourself for being so opportunistic with people’s suffering. Continue…

I’m afraid to even tackle this. People are way more passionate about cereal then they are about fruit or berries. Here goes.

Lucky Charms
I’ve had a couple bites of you without your so-called marshmallows, and, to be honest, I thought, “Wow, these manilla envelopes taste really gross.” Basically, you took a really bad cereal and threw a handful of candy into the box and put a cheery leprechaun on it. None of that is even remotely fair. Was your parent company in some kind of crazy financial bind where they had some left over cereal from a POW camp, but knew that no one would eat it unless they put in sugary pieces of colorful styrofoam? Continue…

Buckle in, berries, this is gonna be a rough ride.

Blueberries
I get it, you’re ADORABLE, but honestly, you’re just a tiny pitless plum. Your hit rate is atrocious. Roughly 90% of the time I put one of you in my mouth, I think “Did I just eat a giant blister?” Actually, I think that 100% of the time. I detest the lazy manner in which you try to burst in my mouth. I expect something awesome to happen when I bite down on you, but the result is usually some half ass deflation followed by a bitter juicy run off. Continue…

Getting a lot of requests to rip on other kinds of fruit. You can read the previous tirade here if you missed it. Here goes:

Pineapple
Are you some kind of medieval weapon? I don’t want to be injured by my fruit. You look like something that grows on the bottom of an old sailboat. Why do you feel like you need to protect yourself so much. It’s not like you have any predators. You aren’t even alive, so stop pretending like you’re being hunted. Once I get you open, the stuff inside is AWESOME. Holy bejeezus. Are you kidding me with how sweet you are? Continue…

Since I’ve covered spices meats beverages and vegetables & salad dressings  it’s only fair that I round out the series of  “Hey, what’s up with food?” by attacking fruit.

Orange

First off, you need to decide how many peels you have. I peel off that first layer only to find some gross translucent membrane that I have no clue what to do with. Do I eat that cobweb that surrounds you?  Not cool. I understand that your insides are so squishy that you need some armor, but I dont want to spend 5 minutes taking it off only to find out you’re also wearing a full set of old dirty long johns. Continue…

To round out the austere and venerable attack I’ve waged on things we put in our body, I’m taking on beverages today. She’s a mighty opponent. Let’s go with the star system like we did with meats.

Orange Juice  2/5 stars

There’s a lot of passion here. The battle between pulp and no pulp will probably never be won, and while I do have my opinions on the matter, I try to shy away from how I FEEL about things and just stick to facts. Orange juice is decent. I’m not freaking out about it unless it’s fresh-squeezed. Orange juice from concentrate? Continue…