This is for the leagues of you thinking, “Hey, how does Jason feel about candy?”
Sour Patch Kids
I generally don’t eat anything with such blatant ties to the doll industry, and usually do my best to steer clear of ingesting candy in the shape of a child. So, when I frantically gobble a whole bag of you in 45 seconds while waiting in line at Walgreens — which I do with shameful frequency — I don’t feel particularly good physically or mentally. Continue…
I wanted to take a swing at all the cherished delicacies we eat for Thanksgiving before my family comes so none of them take it personally.
Turkey
Want some fresh turkey with nothing on it? Just stuff your mouth with Carr’s Water Crackers. Do turkeys ever drink water? It’s no wonder their skin sags so much, they’re dangerously dehydrated. That annoying gobbling sound is their muscles rubbing together. Meat should never be flakey. Oh, and I know the dark meat is juicier. Continue…
Salad!
Tone it down a touch. You’re getting a little too cool for your bowl. Some salads are fine, and some are even exceptional, but I don’t think anyone should be OK with eating something served to them with tongs. Let’s get to it.
Caesar Salad
You come from Mexico but you’re named after a Roman emperor? No, stop it! I don’t care what the story is. I’m sure it’s long and boring and involves some crucial piece of history I don’t know about, and I don’t feel like being embarrassed right now. Continue…
I think I ate half a loaf yesterday. Toast is my favorite food. I hope that someday I get a disease that only toast can cure. I like a lot of butter on it. I make buttered toast sandwiches every day. It’s the first thing I eat when I get up in the morning and I spend the rest of the day waiting until I can eat it again.
I tell you this because I want you to understand that I’m an expert on bread. Continue…
Hey cheese, sorry it’s taken me so long to tell you how disgusting you are. Basically your scheme is to convince us that milk is still awesome 4 years after it’s gone bad.
You were originally consumed sometime during the Renaissance because all the milk spoiled but people were starving so they tried to drink it anyway. They found that the milk had became a solid, and while the thought of eating solid milk made them all dry heave, their only other option was dying of starvation. Continue…
