Day 268: Just Stop Chewing.

We can’t offer Arlo (nearly 2) anything to eat if he already has food in his mouth. If he likes the new offer better than what he’s chewing, he simply opens up and lets everything ooze out. Sometimes it’s a whole cashew, but more frequently, it’s a semi-mysterious starchy wad of something cheesy. The wad tumbles down the front of his shirt like a sticky wall monkey slowly losing its hold.  Sometimes the wad breaks into pieces, leaving a third

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Day 267: Dumb Dads

Sitcoms, commercials, and movies are determined to make us believe the following things about new dads. Every new dad secretly watches football or plays video games when left alone with the baby. When the baby cries, the dad freaks out and ends up trying something stupid like letting the baby chew on a loofa, dog toy, or curling iron. The mom gets home and smiles because she can’t help but love her goofy dumb ass husband. She takes the baby

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Day 266: I Love My Granddog

Stuck to the back of a minivan was a bumper sticker in the shape of a bone that read: “I love my Granddog” I saw this during the first 30 minutes of a 4 hour drive. I spent the next 3 hours and 30 minutes asking myself “WHAT THE HELL IS A GRANDDOG?!” I actually yelled that to myself alone in the car. Here are the possibilities as I see them. Possibility 1: The person driving the car had a daughter who was,

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Day 265: Enlarge, Use, Waste

That’s the opposite of “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.” “Enlarge, Use, Waste” is the de facto motto in our house. It should be on our family crest, or whatever that thing is called. I’m not proud of it, but on my list of priorities, “Conserving paper towels” is right above “Inventing a car that runs on pee.” What I’m saying is, there’s no list. You think I have time to make lists of how I can help the environment? The earth is

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Day 264: Cheese

Hey cheese, sorry it’s taken me so long to tell you how disgusting you are. Basically your scheme is to convince us that milk is still awesome 4 years after it’s gone bad. You were originally consumed sometime during the Renaissance because all the milk spoiled but people were starving so they tried to drink it anyway. They found that the milk had became a solid, and while the thought of eating solid milk made them all dry heave, their only other

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