Book Excerpt: Signs That You’re a Bad Parent

It’s unlikely that any of these would result in any permanent damage, but at the same time, if you nod to more than, say, half of the items on this list, you should really step up your game.

1. Your child claims his favorite flavor is purple.
2. He refers to the dining room wall as his canvas.
3. When he gives hugs, he says, “Oh yeah, gimme some sugar!”
4. He knows all the characters on Game of Thrones.
5. His favorite color is chocolate.
6. Having never potty trained him, he’s now too big for regular diapers and must wear Depends.
7. His bedtime is “Whenever Mommy finishes her cigarette.”
8. He tells his friends that toast is a fruit.
9. When you ask, “Now, what do we do if the cops come to the door?” he answers, “Flush Daddy’s stash?”
10. Other kids aren’t allowed to play at your house.
11. His litter box is always full.
12. When asked at school, “What’s your favorite thing about weekends?” he screams, “FUDGE FOR DINNER.”
13. He makes the best Tom Collins you’ve ever tasted.
14. The pounding on the attic floor no longer keeps you up at night.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

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