Consider This Your Warning

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Be prepared to probably not do any of the following things for at least three years after having children. These are in no particular order:

  1. Say no to pizza
  2. Floss
  3. Canoe
  4. Take more than 8 minutes to eat a meal
  5. Have a great pair of socks
  6. Set your alarm
  7. Go antiquing
  8. Stretch
  9. Like your hair
  10. Hold in a fart
  11. Hang glide
  12. Make a Salad
  13. Listen to a story
  14. Use a hot tub
  15. Iron something
  16. Snorkel
  17. Karate
  18. Emergency couple’s therapy

Don’t freak-out. There’s a host of new things you’ll get to do after becoming a parent.

  1. Butter a piece of toast while peeing.
  2. Brush someone’s teeth against their will.
  3. Blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth.
  4. Help someone else blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth.
  5. Eat food that’s fallen out of someone else’s mouth.
  6. Eat food you found on the floor.
  7. Chase someone at full speed through Home Depot.
  8. Eat five Kidz Cliff Bars at 12:30am while watching Hillbilly Hand Fishing.
  9. Sing the Dora The Explorer theme song to yourself while driving—alone.
  10. Watch a pediatrician’s blood pressure rise when you mention reading something on The Internet.
  11. Bribe someone to pee with a grape seed oil infused pomegranate flavored gummy bear from Whole Foods.
  12. Eat food you found on the mantle.
  13. Eat candy you found in a shoe.
  14. Visit a psychiatrist.
  15. Wipe somebody’s nose with your bare hand.
  16. Eat baby food.
  17. Give yourself a crotch bath with baby wipes.
  18. Apologize for how long it’s taking you to hand-peel the skin off a scalding hot-dog.
  19. Pretend you’re terrible at soccer.
  20. Finish someone else’s cereal.
  21. Blame a fart on a child.
  22. Blame a child’s fart on your spouse.
  23. Get someone dressed while you’re in the shower.
  24. Cut up a grape.
  25. Almost agree to cut up a raisin.
  26. Pretend to enjoy the flavor of a prune.
  27. Ask someone why their hair smells like Gogurt.
  28. Ask someone why their hair smells like your antiperspirant.
  29. Put someone else’s toenail clippings in your pocket.
  30. Let someone watch you crap while they stare blankly eating a popsicle.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

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