You Deserve a Break


About a year ago, I drove through a pothole and my front tire exploded. Because I’m a proper lady, I called AAA to come put my spare on for me. I drove the doughnut-wheeled car to the Honda dealership where I waited for them to replace the tire. I texted my wife and told her that I’d be stuck there for a few hours, to which she responded, “Oh God, I’m so jealous. I would do anything to get a break like that.” Lesson: No matter how much we love our children, we’re also desperate to get away from them. Before having a family, taking out the garbage was a chore; now it’s a thirty-second vacation. Other things that used to be a hassle but are now considered sweet gifts:

  1. Power-washing the house
  2. Picking up someone at the airport
  3. Going to the dentist
  4. Taking things to the dump
  5. Donating stuff to the Salvation Army
  6. Cleaning the gutters
  7. Helping a neighbor power-wash his house
  8. Unclogging the toilet
  9. Giving blood
  10. Searching for whatever it is in the house that smells bad
  11. Canvassing the neighborhood
  12. Vacuuming the car
  13. Chaperoning a school dance
  14. Getting a wart removed
  15. Going to physical therapy
  16. Untangling cords
  17. Filling out forms
  18. Jump-starting a stranger’s car
  19. Printing something
  20. Volunteering at the kids’ school
  21. Doing anything that involves driving
  22. Taking the cat to the vet
  23. Serving on a sequestered jury
  24. Disposing of hazardous waste
  25. Crop dusting
  26. Manning the neighborhood polling place.
  27. Surgery
  28. Getting car-jacked
  29. Participating in a drug trial
  30. Going to rehab

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

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