I received an email this morning from SayYesToPixieStix@PantsOptional.org containing a transcript of my three year old son, Arlo, interviewing The Honest Toddler. As you might imagine, it gets pretty deep. I’ve copied it here, unedited.
Arlo: Any idea why my mom can’t make a sandwich while driving?
The Honest Toddler (HT): Maybe she didn’t hear you- ask again (louder). Don’t rule out that she dislikes you intensely and wants to see you suffer.
Arlo: How many books do they read to you at night? I’m averaging around 16 these days, eight of which are Clifford.
HT: Hold up, they said books don’t work at night….
Arlo: I wear Pampers because my mom loves me. Do you sit on that huge cold chair with a watery hole leading to the abyss? If so, what’s it like?
HT: Diapers4Life. It’s true that potty training is a byproduct of hatred. I like to mix it up: one pee in the potty, one behind the couch, another while sitting on a stack of mail. You don’t want to get locked into a routine.
Arlo: I know Yoga is what grown-ups do when they’re depressed. But what’s Etsy?
HT: Adults use this website when they want to burn money but are all out of matches.
Arlo: Any idea why everyone needs to use a separate bowl for cereal?
HT: I only use one pre-approved bowl for all meals so, no.
Arlo: If we ever had a playdate, how would we create enough chaos so our moms can’t talk?
HT: A scrappy fistfight over a piece of string? LOL! Coloring a few walls with longwear lipstick is something we could also bond over if you’re interested.
Arlo: Do you ever feel bad for Dora because her parents don’t love her enough to care where she is?
HT: I feel like she’s really just wandering a cul-de-sac so she’s probably OK.
Arlo: What’s worse, pants or salad?
HT: They’ll both break you heart but salad is definitely more aggressive about it.
Arlo: Is wine medicine for grown-ups?
HT: That’s what I’ve been told although I’ve never seen medicine consumed out of large novelty mugs.
—END OF TRANSCRIPTION—