Three Simple Rules For Internet Commenters

Most of the comments I get on my blog and writing on other sites are very nice and I love them. But a very small percentage are just impossibly ridiculous and annoying. I think if we all followed these rules, everyone would be better off and I could cut my Prozac dose in half.

1. Don’t Brag

It’s cool that you taught your non hearing impaired kid sign language (just for kicks), but please, for the love of Christ, Muhammed, and any Moon Diety I’ve forgotten, keep it to yourself. Oh, your son was born knowing how to do long division? Super dupes, but shhhhhh, grown-ups are trying to complain over here.

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I’m sure this commenter is a great person. In fact, she appears to treat adults much better than I do. I happen to treat children better than I do adults: I don’t glare at them when they cut me off in traffic and when they scream at me for a hot dog I don’t secretly pee on their coat.

2. Don’t Diagnose

This trend is maddening. It’s like people are stalking blogs looking for opportunities to tell parents that their kids are autistic (which is a totally cool thing to be, by the way). Oh, and gluten is apparently worse than rabies and model airplane glue combined.

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Cut it out with your Holiday Inn Express Pediatric advice. I use Google to diagnose things, so I already know my children both have Hoof and Mouth disease. I know you think you’re helping somehow, but really what you’re doing is forcing me to enter a vortex of fear-driven anger that results in spending $150 to get my water tested for lead (no lead, of course). Should I just send you the bill?

3. Don’t Take Everything Seriously.

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This was in response to a post about all the ridiculous things you’ll do when you become a parent, like let someone watch you crap while they stare blankly eating a popsicle, or cut up a grape, or almost agree to cut up a raisin. I’m sure you meant well, GOODDOC1 (who was apparently beat to the name by GOODDOC), but  I’ve never cut up a grape. I was kidding! Actually, I wasn’t–I’ve totally cut up a grape, but…ugh, see why I get so upset? I’m sure my response was met with utter confusion. At least, I hope it was. EYE OF THE PANTHER!

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IT’S A JOKE (I mean, it’s not, but it is). I’m sorry you thought it was gross, Ms. WHATseriously. I’m sure you’ve never blamed a fart on your child. Tip: it works.

For some reason I honestly can’t seem to comprehend why parents — and yes, it seems to apply particularly to parents — have an unquenchable desire to take everything personally, as if I’m a sociologist behind a one-way mirror observing their family and taking notes for a book.

So Internet, here’s an idea for some of you (because look, most people are amazing, but that’s boring): I’m not talking about you unless you agree with me. Cool?

Ok, I’m off to post nasty comments on Gawker. I’m kidding! Did I need to tell you that?

79 thoughts on “Three Simple Rules For Internet Commenters

  • MY child is so perfect, I never have to write blogs about him because there are no words to describe him accurately. Heavenly, comes closest. I fear that you may need to seek help for the reasons behind you writing this post about Internet commenters. What makes you do this? Where you held and feed an all organic, gluten/toxic/taste free diet as a child? I’m actually completely offended you would write something like this- I have, on occasion written a comment after an article and I just don’t find this funny.

    :) keep up the awesome posts, Jason! I always grab Jimmy and re-read him your stuff. Hilarious!

  • Nice! Love that you addressed this. I just said to my husband a few days ago, ” This guy is great. He makes me laugh, but damn the comments are fucking annoying!”

  • So awesome. You never fail to crack me up. I think you are inside my brain sometimes! We must be connected by long strands of gluten.

  • I am right there with ya. I hate the diagnosers. You know, the ones that tell you five diseases you or your kid might have from one symptom. If I want to freak myself out, I will gladly go on over to WebMD and handle it myself, thank you very much. The internet in general has REALLY lessened my patience for people. They are ALL morons.

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