From the ages of 9 to 26, I addressed my friends’ parents by saying, “Hey, ummm.” and just hoped they responded. If they didn’t, I’d go back and eat more of their food without cleaning up after myself. After 26, I called them by their first names because once you have a full beard there’s no point in formalities.
My son, Arlo, who’s three, calls adults “lady” or “man” and that’s adorable because he’s three. For people he knows really well, he’ll sometimes address them by their child’s name and then daddy or mommy. So, for instance, “Jojo’s daddy.” Cute, but he can’t do that forever. Eventually, he’ll have to mature into “Hey, umm…” and then, “Yo, Steve.” But for the six years in between those milestones, what the hell am I supposed to teach him? He has two preschool teachers named, “Ms. Jenny” and “Ms. Peggy” but those are their first names and he can’t live his life addressing people like they’re adult puppets.
While I understand that it’s respectful to say, “Mr. McGillicuddy” or “Mrs. McGillicuddy” (I want so badly to know someone named McGillicuddy), when the twelve year-old neighbor kid calls me Mr. Good, it makes me feel like I’m moments away from requesting a new colostomy bag or a fresh tube of Polident. I told him to call me Jason but he seems reticent because, as he sees it, we’re not peers (his father taught him manners). I suppose I still want to be eleven, or at least young enough that a kid wearing a Pink Floyd t-shirt and red Chuck Taylors doesn’t talk to me like I’m a guidance counselor.
At the same time, I don’t want to be the sad wanna-be-cool-dude who tells kids to call him by his first name. I remember those guys from when I was a kid, and they were usually named Dale, had mustaches and made mysterious trips to Florida.
So what should kids call me? Well, I will always respond to “Hey, excuse me.” And please don’t call me sir, because this isn’t a country club, nor have I been properly knighted (yet).
Unfortunately, kids want steadfast rules, and now that my elder son, Silas, is five, he needs to understand what they are, but in our counter-culture community in New Jersey, it seems there are none. He calls his best friends’ parents by their first name, which they still seem to be OK with, but when he doesn’t know someone’s first name, he becomes confused, walks away and mutters something about wanting a juice box. I think the proper thing for him to do is say “sir” or “ma’am,” but I don’t dress him in knickers, so it comes out sounding weird, like he’s had a little too much experience with the court system.
So, I’m looking for advice here. How should kids address adults? What should we be teaching them at what ages? I have a few suggestions and please, feel free to add your own.
1. “Person” as in, “Hello, person.” “Human” might also be acceptable here, but I fear it would expose them as robots.
2. Mister or Misses (without a last name). This has a wonderful old-timey ring to it. “Hey Mister, the newspaper costs five cents. You’re a penny short.” The problem here is that calling a woman “Misses” is extremely creepy.
3. “Dale.” Seriously, can’t we just call everyone Dale?
4. “Dude.” I have no problem with this. Thoughts?
5. “Frenchy.” I like this just as a general nickname. I could get my kids to keep a toothpick in their mouths at all times. “Hey, Frenchy, can I get a juice box?” Kind of cute, but maybe disrespectful.
6. How do we honestly feel about “Hey, ummm…”?
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I called women “Tia” and men “Tio”.
When I was a kid, teachers were “Mr.”, “Mrs,”, and “Miss” Jones. My parents’ friends were and continue to be, “Hi, it’s nice to see you again,” unless I had ever spent an afternoon with them without my parents present, in which case I called them by their first names.
Adult neighbors were always, “Hi can [your child who is about my age] come out to play?”
I never ate out of my parents’ friends fridges, and when eating out of my friends’ fridges, I always got them to ask permission from their parents on my behalf, thus avoiding calling them anything either too disrespectful or too formal.
People I babysat for were always “Mr. and Mrs.” Jones.
For people they see regularly, I’m a fan of Mr. So-and-so and Mrs. (or Miss) So-and-So, especially if shortened. Mrs. Jones is Mrs. J, Mr. Silverman is Mr. S., etc. For strangers, “Sir” and “Miss” are what I use and what I have taught my kids to use. I’ve yet to meet a woman who gets too upset at being called “Miss” as long as it’s not in a dismissive manner, and especially older ladies seem to get a kick out of it.
I love “Dude”. Everyone should be called “Dude”! I would totally answer to it, if it’s uttered respectfully. No one with children is ever willing to go along with this, though.
I’m married and in my late-30s with no kids of my own, but I interact with children regularly at my job. I refuse to answer to Mrs. Lastname. It is simply not my name. I invite children to call me by my first name. But if their grown-up insists on a title, I’ve learned to become fond of the southern-sounding Miss Firstname. If I had kids, I’d desperately try to find a gender-neutral term to use for strangers (this is where “dude” would be perfect as it encompasses all genders, but I’d probably settle for “person”) because Sir and Ma’am just sound too servile to me and not everyone a child thinks is a lady or man identifies themselves that way.
Being from south Georgia, Ma’am and Sir were drilled into our head. When I entered the work environment (18), my supervisor would freak every time I would say Ma’am.
Now that I’m older I want to puke when someone calls me Ma’am. Anything but Ma’am. Ugh.
But yes, I too did the “Hey umm..” when addressing my friend’s parents. And was totally freaked to have any sort of interaction with them. Not sure why. Some of my friend’s parents were really cool.
So far I’ve told my 5 year old son that if the adult is older then me to call them Mr or Mrs So-n-so, otherwise use their first names. I completely agree that even with a house in the burbs and two littles in tow I am NOT ready to me a Mrs So-n-so!
For the life of me, I can’t remember what I called my friend’s parents when we were growing up. The most interaction I usually had with them was “Can so and so come out and play?” so I never really had to address them. But really, I have no problem with my son, who is 3, calling people by their first name. I don’t find it disrespectful or lacking manners. That’s their name.
I kinda think in the long run, it depends on how the adult is introduced. For example, “This is my mom.” Okay, you are now so-and-so’s mom. Or “This is Jane, she is John’s mom” might make the child remember the first name instead.
So. I’m a teacher. a 29 year old teacher who has been teaching since she was 24. All kids I know call me Mrs. — last name. And so do their parents. Who are older than me. And because my daughters’ friends know me from school… they call me Mrs.–last name too. It’s actually pretty weird. And I’ve tried but only get about 2 parents a year to address me by my first name. My 6 year old actually introduces me to other kids “This is my mom.. here name is –first name– but you can call her Mrs. –last name–.” I didn’t ask for that. I’ve no solutions. I also address friends parents as hey… um. lol…
For us, very close friends & family will probably be “Aunt/Uncle”, friends that aren’t so close, but who we see regularly will probably be “Ms/Mr Firstname”, and strangers, teachers, friends’ parents that we aren’t close to, etc., will be “Ms/Mr Lastname”. Since my husband is military, there will also be a number of my husband’s associates (and possibly friends’ parents) that will need to be addressed as “Rank Lastname”. And I will encourage “Sir/Ms/Ma’am” for any adults whose names they don’t know.
When my children entered school my name was unofficially changed to “Rachel’s Mom” or “Luke’s Mom” (depending on which kid’s friend) still at 22 my daughter’s friends say “Hey Rachel’s Mom….” I like it much better than Mrs. Soandso! Great blog by the way- though it’s been two decades since I lived it, your humor transports me and it seems like yesterday. Great stuff.
I’m *not* from the south, but I think kids should use last names unless (1) invited to do otherwise, or (2) specifically introduced to somebody as a close family friend — that is, as “Uncle Don” rather than “Mr. Wilson.” I still wasn’t comfortable calling my college professors by their first names, and I think that’s just fine. There are still gradations of respect out there, and even “Miss. Ann” is better than just “Ann”…
I am from India and like Anita from Portugal commented, we called all adults “Uncle” and “Aunty” – even strangers! :) Mom’s and Dad’s friends, friends’s parents were uncle/aunty. We had titles for our “real” uncle and aunts (relatives/family), so it was never confusing.
My 4 year old being raised in the US on the other hand – starting to get very confused! Close family friends are uncle/aunty. Parents of friends from day care and our co-workers are Mr/Ms . People we rarely talk to/know formally like apartment managers etc are just . Relatives are if it is a title he can manage to pronounce and remember, uncle/aunty otherwise. Keeping track of it? Yeah..imagine a 4 year old trying to.
We really need to find a common title and settle on it..or just let him go with “Hey, ummm…”? :D
Oooohh..Disqus changed all my first name last name tags into HTMLish tags! Even tried to close them..makes for a very funny comment!
Right now it is mr or mrs (first name) because that is what the schools seem to teach, and is simply easier for young children to pronounce. As they get older and are able to comprehend it will be mr or mrs (last name) however…. if an adult says oh please call me Jenny or whatever they have been invited and it’s fine from then on.
I’m going out on a limb here but there is a magic phrase you can teach kids which will solve the issue forever.
“Hello, my name is XXXX what’s your name?” – it’s actually perfectly appropriate and will work long after they grow up. It’s also good to learn that if you don’t know something asking often works.
This is a good topic and I don’t know how to answer it lol. I have a neighbor who I went to school with her daughters and I still call her Mrs. (last name) and I know her first name and I’m in my
30′s. Then when I was in high school I called another friends mom Mrs. Something or other (forgot last name now) and she said it was either (first name) or mom. I think introducing the adults as Mr./Mrs. such and such is good and if the adult is comfortable being called by their first name then they’ll say so. Or if not so old then Miss/Ms. because woman tend to think Mrs. makes them old lol. I’ve never been married so I’ve never been a Mrs. but I don’t mind being addressed by my first name though a lot of kids just call me Tia (Spanish for Aunt) because it’s easier to remember.
At one point my then 4 year old daughter called everybody Old Mate…. “Hey Old Mate, I need to go to the toilet” , “Excuse me Old Mate, where’s your Old Mate?” (asking my friend Steph where her partner James was)…. :)
I’d go with Tiger, and up it to Chief once you’ve established your bond…
Living in NC my kids use “Yes Mam, Yes Sir, Excuse me Sir, Mam” etc. Most of my friends they call by their first names, or a nickname they’ve always known, (Nora became Nono). People you don’t know so well? Stick with a Mr. or Mrs, Miss. Just in case, I have seen some get really offended by being called by their first name, for whatever reason.
To be totally honest, “Excuse me?” works perfectly well for children of all ages, this way if the name is not on the tip of their tongue or of any knowledge to them, they won’t be confused and still seem like polite little children. I have 3 boys the oldest being 10 and the youngest being 4… It’s easier when it’s people they see on a daily basis. For instance, I run a cub scout pack, every adult is Mrs/Mr/Ms If they can’t remember the parents name or they are new, each children proceeds with the phrase above, only if they want something and a adult whose name they do know isn’t with in the circle of their sight. When I was a kid, neighbors who were more like family got “Aunt or Uncle” before their first name and now for my children, close friends get the same treatment, only if they are always friends and not just sometimes friends, then the Mrs/Mr/Ms comes back into play. Only a few people get the full “Mr. McGillicuddy” treatment and too be honest if it isn’t a doctor, teacher or person of great age, my boys stick to Ms. Jane. I have heard my kids calling me Mrs. Gretchen or Mrs. Mommy when we are at scout functions. However, I do also get called, Daddy and Grandma and even at time, HEY YOU! But I guess that works as well. We want our kids to be seen as polite, but truth be told if my 4 year old says mommy or daddy in the vicinity of other mommies and daddies, he is likely to get an answer from someone. Not so easy for my ten year old, but once they reach that age, they know the rules and they can totally see sense in just saying, “Excuse me,” Though I am seriously thinking of taking up the whole , “Hey, Frenchy” idea! haha.
my fiance’s kids have always called me “miss karla” at his suggestion. it makes me feel like i am in “gone with the wind”, but i like it (btw, neither of us is southern, but he is a midwesterner). it would feel weird if they called me by my last name or just my first name, but “miss karla” seems right.for your kids’ friends, i like the “happy days” solution: “Mr./Mrs. X”.
In South Asia it is very easy. I called all my Parents friends Aunty or Uncle. Their kids, if older than me Akki ( Sister) or Ayya ( brother). If younger than me nangi or malli.
What is it with mustached guys named Dale making mysterious trips to Florida! Is that like a “thing”? I swear I met so many of that person but didn’t realize it till you just verbalized it. I think I tried to describe a guy like that to my co-worker and I think I kept saying “You know… like he came from the seventies? Like he looked like he just stepped out of the seventies with a mustache and hair on his head? You know.” (She just looked uncomfortable and grossed out)
But you know it gets really weird when your parents divorce and they start dating people. And your dad is telling you to call the lady with the prefix “Miss” and the lady is telling you to just call her by her first name… and you can never remember who said which. And then your sister keeps accidentally calling the guy your mom is dating the name of the OTHER guy she’s dating.
oh yeah, moved to Hawaii when I was 22 and here it’s “Auntie” and “Uncle” for anyone a generation up, “Cuz” “Bra” or “Sista” for anyone your age. So pretty casual. First names are kind of formal.
I’m a Brit, we use Auntie … and Uncle… for parents of friends (like the comment from Portugal). Mr and Mrs can sound formal and lacking in affection can’t it? I think teaching your child to introduce themselves and ask an adult what they would like to be called is a fabulous idea though, lots of children won’t address adults directly and in my experience most adults of any age react very happily towards a child willing to speak to them. Failing that, dude has is covered and would go down well over here (except with anyone over 55)!
When I was growing up, which I guess was a long time ago now, but was still in the modern era, we called parents of our friends Mr. or Mrs. . Some parents (to me this were usually the I’m-your-buddy parents) insisted we use first names. This was sometimes a little complicated since maybe the mother and father had different last names, or not always the same last name as the friend (child). Interesting to think about that kids don’t just call adults Mr and Mrs automatically anymore.
Agreed on the Mr./Ms. , though it doesn’t work for every name. I’d feel patently ridiculous if a kid called me “Mr. Chase” (Though I’m only 21, so Mr. Davidson also feels weird. Actually being addressed formally in any context feels weird, as does addressing any adult as a peer.). I am admittedly a son of the South though, not to mention an Army brat- anyone you don’t know is “sir”.
My kids’ friends all call me “Dad.” I don’t know why exactly. Maybe they all hate their own fathers. Maybe they call all father’s “Dad” because they lack manners or imagination or both. I find it simultaneously warm and creepy. Like un-refrigerated yogurt.
Slightly off topic, but still on manners…my mom taught us to answer the phone by saying “Turner Residence.” I did it until I was a teenager and automatically switched to “hello” as I’d heard my parents doing. My brother, who has a laundry list of other funny formalities that he couldn’t kick as well, answered that way until he was in his 20s. It’s was strangely formal, but polite and just what he had always done. His politeness and charm has been getting him off the hook for trouble since he was old enough to get into trouble so it must be better than the alternative.
I teach my son to hold a door open for strangers, offer his seat to someone on the bus, and address all the adults around him as Ms first name or Mr first name. One day he’ll be fighting for the job of a lifetime, he’ll meet the partner of his dreams, or he’ll be meeting his future in-laws for the first time and old school manners will serve him well no matter what! Anyway, it shouldn’t be about my feeling old or not, it should be about knowing my son is polite and well mannered no matter who he’s talking to.
Mr. and Ms. First Name is what we we use, or Auntie and Uncle for close friends.
first of all, this made me belly laugh. second of all, for close friends, we call them auntie or uncle so-in-so. even if they’re obviously not related. so for example, when my good friend Amanda comes over, my son calls her “Auntie Amanda”. this doesn’t work for people who are less than friends, though. So we just stick to Mister and Miss. (Not MISSUS—because i agree, its a bit creepy). At the grocery store, we say “thank you Mister Grocer, or thank you Miss Deli Lady”. who knows what’s right. kids get passes, anyways, because well….because they’re kids. so don’t think too much of it. :)
I don’t have steadfast rules, but in general I steer my kids (4 and 2) toward using first names to address my friends but Mr/Ms. Last Name to address their friends’ parents. They call all the adults at their daycare Mr/Ms. First Name. We also stress using Sir and Ma’am at all times. “Yes, Sir/Yes Ma’am.” Is that confusing enough for you?
Mr, mrs ,miss , ladt name or hello mister, miss, mam, misses and mrss (for un known marital status)
My kids don’t call me Brandi. There is a role boundary and it is helped indefied by what children/tweens/teens call you. It’s an understanding that, as long as you have not given them a reason not to, they respect you and your authority as an elder. It does not mean you are old, it means you are in a position of power and responsibility that they are not yet at.
We are not their peers, we are not their equals in that way. Kids need to know and understand their role versus an adult. It is unfortunate that some adults will expploit that power (hence my disclaimer of “as long as you have not given them reason not to respect you”) but, I think, as a general rule it is good to establish thosew boundaries. I think it also makes children more secure in the automatic understanding that this is a person they can go to for help. just calling adults by their first name tends to confuse that understanding. I’m good with miss Law or Miss Brandi. I prefer to stay away from mrs because it’s a form of ownership but many ppl do not realize this. I would just correct a child if they called me mrs and ask them to call me miss.
I say go with Mister and Miss, that way it doesn’t sound too formal and yet its not disrespectful to an adult and if the adult would prefer to be called by their last name or first name after the mister or miss, they will let the child know. But i fully support hey ummm too.
Larry and Doyle
I grew up in a Portuguese family, for our portuguese friends it was either Senhor or Senhora insert first name (mr and Mrs.) or if they were really close family friends it was Tia/tio (Auntie and Uncle). My husband is caucasian and he only used Mr and Mrs (last name). So when we had our children the debate was on. So our kids are learning if it is a close family friend they say (Auntie/Uncle first name) for other people it is Mr. and Miss (first name). It seems to work our five year old knows this is a sign of respect and she follows it. Our friends don’t seem to mind being called auntie/uncle or mr and miss. And of course for my portuguese friends the kids refer to them as tia/tio (aunt/uncle). It’s easy and works for us. As an adult I still struggle with calling my friend’s parents by their first name it feels wrong after having called them mr. and mrs. last name for so long. As for my husband he is a stickler for rules and still refers to his parents’ friends as Mr. and Mrs. Last name.
When I was a kid I called most of my friends parents by their first name because my parents were cool with it. A friend’s mom chewed me out for calling her by her first name instead of Mrs. Swift. I think i was only 6 or 7 but it traumatized me. I still won’t accept her friend request to this day….you know, because we’re not on a first name basis. I vote for “mister” and “misses”.
Parents of school friends are Mr. And Mrs last name, as are anyone of a generation older than us. Close friends of ours are called by their first name. Relatives are addressed by title. Aftercare counselors are Mr or Miss first name. Hebrew school teachers or Moray or more first name. It’s a complicated system but it works.
That’s “Morah or Moreh”. Stupid autocorrect
In Sweden kids call their teachers and everyone else by first name. I think it’s nice this way. It’s all about equality. Signaling that no one is worth more or less than anyone else.
My son’s name is Brady, and a growing number of his friends now refer to me as the Brady Lady. It’s funny at age 3. Probably less so as the years go on.
We tell our kids to address people as mr or Mrs lastname unless they are directed otherwise by the person. I would rather they stuck with the Mr/Mrs, but not so much I’m willing to make someone uncomfortable. I don’t understand why adults are so uncomfortable these days being addressed formally by children, but it is what it is.
Missus, not Misses. Honestly. …
I always told
My kids friends to call me by my first name.
I agree with Christina. Mrs. Peggy or Mr. Peter might sound like a puppet name but I think it’s better than sir or ma’am – that makes me feel really OLD.
Another rep from the South here. We were firmly in the yes ma’am, no sir boat. For close friends of my parents it was Mr./Ms. FirstName and for others we didn’t know so well, Mr./Ms. LastName. I think it’s okay to let kids say “sir” if answering a question, but think you have the right to ask to be called something different- by first name, last name only, whatever moniker you desire. Other parents can keep the sir/ma’am thing going for their kids, you feel slightly more comfortable. Just a thought.
We live in Seattle and when we aren’t busy getting stoned, eating granola, mourning the loss of Kurt Cobain ( wow predictive text..type in Kurt and Cobain will follow) and going to gay weddings, we just call everyone by their first name:)
How about the way u would introduce them.
I’m teaching my daughter to address adults as Mr./Mrs. , unless that adult specifically says otherwise. And I introduce myself to kids as Mr. Jones.
My daughter’s still two, though, and all her friends call me “Emma’s dad,” which is fine with me. And if a kid wants to address me by my first name, it doesn’t bother me at all.
I was called by my last name for years (football side effect). Made me feel like I was in the NFL. Now it’s that odd mix of Mr,, Hey You, etc. I’m not sure where we’re at. I just know it’s not the same as when I was a kid.
Jason
The Cheeky Daddy
We do Mr/Miss First Name until they go to kindergarten, since then they have to call their teacher Mr/Miss Last Name anyway, plus they’re older, and can pronounce names like Xeron (actual k-garten teacher’s name).
With old/close friends, we continue the Mr/Miss First Name thing – almost like an auntie thing – but it has been weird b/c one of our good friends is named Ed, and I can’t in good conscience call him Mr. Ed. He’s also sort of tall, with brown hair.
I actually sort of hate it when elementary school age kids call me by my first name, and even in our totally liberal DC area, will ask them to call me Ms. V. I don’t know – there’s something that makes me cringe when a 9 year old calls out from the backseat during carpool, “Hey, Gail? Can you change the channel?” or whatever, and I’m like, “Hey, really? this is my car.” I had no idea I was going to be that crusty kind of parent.
My name. Mutual respect is the kind I like and it has nothing to do with formality.
Chief? But seriously – just first names, but ask the adult first…
Mr or Misses with last name. I know it makes us adults feel old but it is respect, we are teaching kids not to respect us and others by taking out the little things. With most of us we were told by adults oh just call me Misses Shelly, then it has become oh just call me Shelly. We really need to get back to showing respect for our elders and peers.
So many wonderful comments here. We use Aunty and Uncle First-Name if the adults are very close friends of mine or my husbands; Mr or Ms First-Name for regular friends and acquaintances; sir and ma’am for strangers (because that’s easier than remembering last names). When my children are apologizing for the naughty whatever that they’ve done, they know they’re supposed to look me in the eye and say “I’m sorry, Ma’am.” (Do they do it all the time? No, of course not.) We live in the midwest.
I don’t like being addressed as “Hey” (in general) or by my first name when it’s a little kid talking. I find it a little ill mannered, frankly. At work, people I don’t know (eg, receptionist, blood bank coordinator, etc) call me “Dr. Last-Name,” which I find a little too formal, but I’d rather veer toward too formal than too informal.
I think the most respectful thing is to teach your child to ask the adult what they would prefer to be called. I am a teacher and I get enough of my last name, so my kid’s friends call me Shannon. One time I met a friend’s daughter who called me Ms Shannon, and when I said it’s ok she can call me Shannon the Mom said they are teaching her to respect adults ( or maybe she said elders which probably got me going) so she had to call me Ms. Well I personally thought that I should be respected by being allowed to chose what I would prefer to be called.
Hmmm, regional. Sure, that could be it. More likely, I think it’s how you see children – either as people in their own right, or subordinates. So as a matter of mutual respect, some people (generally in more progressive circles) are more comfortable on equal terms (i.e. both kids and adults with first names) while those who embrace the power differential see it as a matter of earned respect by age (children go by first names and adults are called by Title Lastname), which is why at least *I’m* uncomfortable with it – because there’s no accounting for whether the older person is deserving of respect based on behavior or something meaningful, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to address Newt Gingrich or Tony Perkins with respect no matter how much older than I am they happen to be.
The variations that mix up the formality a bit, e.g. addressing someone by Title Firstname, those make a little more sense – it feels less formal but acknowleges the difference in power dynamic. I mean, when I’m three times your size and can pick you up bodily and remove you from some place I don’t want you to be, we’re obviously not effectively equals, though I see it as my responsibility to check my privilege in those regards.
Personally, any kids I’m close enough to that I change(d) their diapers, I encourage ‘auntie’ Firstname, though I’m okay with them dropping the auntie at their leisure. But I’m really, really uncomfortable with the assumption that I should go by a title just because I’m in a position of authority (and I do work as a teacher). Also, I have a long last name, and it’s not practical to use it formally with the very little kids I teach who can barely pronounce ‘dinosaur’.
oh dear god… i love #4. when i got to my kid’s kindergarten class, i’m Miss Sarah B/c my son can barely properly pronounce our last name… we can’t expect other 5/6 yr olds to…. i have put much thought into this topic… and i’m at a loss… but! i will say that you are NOT alone. my kids have 5 uncles…. two of them they have never even met or talked to! but, we have a number of close friends who we refer to as “uncle s0-and-so” or auntie “so-and-so” ….. i’m sure they are confused… but it’s all just about the village right? the ppl who we choose to surround our children are our “village” and whether they are actual blood family or not, they are the ppl we trust enough to keep them in line when we are not looking and at some time give them advise that we wish someone had given us….. so they can call these ppl, our friends, whatever the hell they want… in the end… they are privileged to have a village!
I taught my children to shake hands and introduce themselves at a young age. Good handshakes are important, as is eye contact, etc. This allowed the adult they were meeting to introduce themselves, and give the name they wished to be addressed by.
When they were younger, it didn’t matter.. they couldn’t remember anyone’s name anyway :)
Now though… it’s pretty helpful, at least as far as I have seen, that as young men (both teenagers) they are polite and introduce themselves, and no awkwardness ensues from not knowin what to call anyone.
I’ve thought a lot about this too. Where I live (New Zealand), a number of cultures, particularly Pacific Island cultures, call family friends ‘Aunty’ and ‘Uncle’. I remember hating this as a tween/teenager. It felt weird to call people Aunty who I knew weren’t and I wasn’t particularly close to. So I stopped. But then I was in that awkward limbo land of “Heeeeeyyy…….” and just hoping they knew I was speaking to them. So now I have my own kids, I do not do this. With my friends, we just get our kids to call them by their first names. If it was someone older, I guess I’d leave it up to that person to decide what they wanted to be called. I’m also an Early childhood teacher in a daycare and all our kids call us by our first names. And at some schools the teachers are also called by their first names. I guess we’re not a formal society here in NZ. BTW, we would never call someone Mr (firstname), Miss (firstname). Sounds too Forrest Gump.
a young adult Miss Joy Mr James /Older Mr Good Ms Good My children’s friends called me Mrs Vallin. I’m Southern I liked that. friend’s children called me Auntie.
I took my 2 yo to the office christmas party last year, and he called everyone collectively ‘bit too noisy’ after a rowdy secret Santa present exchange (as in mummy prompts “say bye bye H” and H responds with an enthusiastic “bye bit too noisy!”). Then this week I told him we were having lunch with mummy’s work people, so he called everyone individually “people” (as in “look people H has chippies!”. i think both work quite well.
I’m a PreK teacher, so to most of the people I know, I’m Mrs. Mongold (we roll old school- legit- around here.) To my niece and nephews, I’m Aunt Lisa. To everyone who is my age or older, feel free to call me by my first name. My daughters are now 14, 17, and 18, and still refer to school teachers as Mr. or Mrs. Last Name, church folks as Mr. or Ms. First Name, and peers or younger by first names. I think it’s a respect thing to me, and if you ask me a little more respect is what’s needed in this day and age (climbing down off my soap box now.)
How can you go wrong with “my good man,” or “my dear lady?”
You can’t. Good point. What about “Lord Grantham”?
Definitely Mr. and Mrs. so and so. We are not equals….not yet anyway. First names are for later on. It’s about respecting ones elders and too often lately there’s not that respect.
My friend’s kids call me Miss Callie and my kids call them Miss Heather, Miss Colette, etc. They call my husband Mr. Everett. He’s a lot more intimidating than I am, I guess. :)
Please don’t use Dale. I had a friend in high school named Dale (well, more of an acquaintance, actually) and we called him Dale-do. You know, like … you see where I’m going with this.
You are hilarious! Adult puppets, ha!
My kid’s friends all call me by HIS name: “Hey, excuse me, Archie’s Mom? May I have some juice, please?”
I’m 31 years old, married for almost 7 years, and I STILL don’t know what to call my m-i-l. I usually just direct comments/questions in her general direction, hoping she’ll answer back. Idk, I don’t feel right calling her Mrs. Williamson or Kathy, but I also don’t feel right calling her “Mom”. Since we have a daughter now, I guess I could get away with calling her Grammy. Lol
I solved this problem with my oldest kid, who’s now 22. Her name is Audrey. I told her friends to call me “Mrs. Audrey.” They didn’t have to remember my first name, or use our last name, and I didn’t have to feel old, or like a creepy mustachioed Dale. And none of them minded it. Even some of their parents said “that’s a really good idea…” and sounded thoughtful about it and not sarcastic. At least in my hearing.
Of course, now I have two little ones close together in age, so i have to answer to both Mrs. D and Mrs. E, but that’s okay. I turn my head whenever I hear those names anyhow, right? Economical. And still no mustaches.
We teach our 3 year old to call people Mr and Ms with their first name. It’s a southern thing I think
If I know the last name and we aren’t really friendly with them I teach Mr and Mrs. And with friends I teach him to start there and then let them tell him if they prefer something else. I like manners, so I would like to be called Mrs. McKay but would then say to call me Amy. Most if the time I get called (and more often than my own name) “River’s Mom.”
If I am close friends with the parents as well, I generally ask what they prefer to be called. My kids’ school friends’ parents are Mr. & Mrs. I feel old when called Mrs.
I started laughing so hard at the thought if my kids calling someone “human” then couldn’t stop laughing reading the other suggestions. I think most if my friends could be happy to be referred to as dude or Frenchy. For now everyone is called Ms or Mr first name
I was taught “Mr and Mrs Last Name” (which is what we are teaching our kids). However, my husband and I now live in my childhood home. Many of the old neighbors are here, and they introduce themselves to my husband by their first name, bc we are all adults now, but I can’t think of them as anything but “Mr. Smith”. So my husband talks to Bob, while I talk to Mr Smith.
Oh just teach the boys to be charmers and address all the woman as “hey pretty lady” or something like that. There’s the added benefit of not having to actually remember anyone’s name. Guys can be “dude.” On a serious note, your post made me laugh because I, too, struggle with what to teach my boys here. If the person has a title, we definitely teach them to use it, like, Doctor, Officer, Grandpa, etc. or if they’re some kind of authority figure, say the principal of the school, it’s Mr. so and so. They call our friends by their first names. Teachers usually take care of it by telling the kids what to call them. When in doubt, I usually default to the higher formality and let the person tell us if they prefer something else, or if they seem approachable, I’ll just ask them what they prefer.
I am a Montessori teacher in NC and I am on a first name basis with my students. My daughter is 8 and she calls people by their first names who she know well. We use Mr/Mrs as a term of respect for elders.
My husband is British so I feel perfectly justified in expecting our son to refer to people as “guv-nah” and “marm.” Who wouldn’t be charmed by that? Oh. Except when we go to Britain. Then he should just stick with “dude” to amuse the Brits.
I have my 3 year old call people Miss (first name) or Mr. (first name). His speech therapist is Miss Heather. It works. However everyone should be called dude at least once (enter favorite Big Lebowski quote here). Love your blog!
I’m so happy to hear I’m not the only one who has stressed out about this. I always feel strange when my friends’ kids call me Mrs. I’m really a first name kinda person and I don’t think I have the maturity level to be a Mrs. I guess I’ll just have my kids stare awkwardly until the person tells them what to call them. Or I’ll just go with “Dale”. I like “Dale”.
Down here in alabama, it’s acceptable for kids to call grown ups Mr (first name) and Miss (first name), unless told to address them as something else. For example, Grannies are usually called Granny by all the neighborhood kids, not just her own kin. I let my kids call my close friends, the ones that we spend a lot of time with, by their first names. I don’t make my kids say Sir/Ma’am all the time though. As long as they say Yes Please or No thank you, that’s good enough for me.
We teach our kids to say Ms. or Mr. And, yes, they are expected to say ‘yes, sir,’ ‘no, sir,’ yes, ma’am,’ no, ma’am.’ Frankly, I don’t care how being called ‘sir” makes you feel. It’s not about you. It’s about my children learning proper courtesy. If a child has been told to call a grown up sir, and you’re all “oh, don’t call me sir, that makes me feel old,” you’ve just undercut what I’ve taught my own child, and potentially made him feel bad for making you feel old when he was just following my instructions.. So what you teach your kid is your choice, but if you’re kids’ friends call you Mr. Good or Sir, just roll with it. They’re doing what they’ve been taught to do.
Well said!
Sure, but what if what you’ve taught your child to do makes me uncomfortable? Just as it’s your prerogative to raise your children as you will, it’s my prerogative to not have to enforce it because I disagree with it.
I’m not asking you to enforce it. I’m asking you to respect it. Certainly, if my child answers you with “yeah” instead of “yes, sir,” I’m not asking you to look at him and say “don’t you mean, ‘yes, sir?’” What I’m asking is that if my child answers you with “yes, sir,” you accept it and move on.
Maybe if I was teaching my child some sort of socially abhorrent principles (racism, bigotry, etc) you would have a ground for correcting my child, but we’re talking about a commonly accepted show of respect for adults. How is that so offensive to you that you would feel the need to interfere with what I, as the parent, have asked of my child?
If it’s a one time thing, maybe. But if this is someone you’re going to be in frequent contact with, how about the concept that it’s also very rude not to address someone the way they wish to be addressed, no matter what your perceptions of “accepted” show of respect is. As we can see in these comments, that differs from place to place and people move around a lot more now.
Once they get to school their teachers will be Mr. or Ms. So-and-so… so, start now by calling everyone Mr./Ms. Easy-peasy. If anyone doesn’t like it, they’ll say so. Ice skating coaches and ballet teachers introduced themselves as “Miss Janet” or “Miss Rebecca” and that was perfectly fine. The first time a kid called me “Mrs. Mertz” it felt a little weird… but that’s much better than some mouthy 7-year-old shouting “Hey Ethel!” I”m well out of my 20′s so I address some of my parents’ friends with their first names. But, my best friends’ dad (whom I’ve known for several decades) is still “Mr. Wells”.
We are not very formal in Denmark. Here people is called by their first names or their professional title, for example, open mouth for the doctor. This includes everything from the neighbor to the schoolteacher etc. We need to get really high up in the layers (royal and those that move in the circles) before we call them either Mr or Mrs and their surname. People you do not know which one’s 3-year-old child points at is either a man or a woman.
My son seems to have adopted “dude” for names unknown, like a waiter. Which is cute, as he’s 6. First names for known names. I don’t expect him to move onto “hey, umm….” for a few years yet, he’s a precocious little thing. Took me until 31 (the age I became a parent) to move onto first names!
We knew a couple “dale”s growing up…though we usually referred to them as Creepy McCreeperson in private.
(^My friends’ kids ….)
My friends call me all sorts of stuff (Miss Megan, Mrs Megan, Mama Megan, Megan) and it all works for me, none being more respectful than another IMO. My 4-1/2yo son is used to different folks going by different names/titles, he will say ‘excuse me’ and/or ‘ask their name. What they reply is how he addresses them. Strangers are most often sir/ma’am. I’m surprised at how many adults are offended by being called certain things, or think a child is disrespectful if he/she doesn’t use the preferred title.
I have my 3 year old call my friends by their first names, and my friends’ kids call me by my first name. For the preschool parents, he calls them Mama [First Name] or sometimes just by their first name. He calls his preschool teachers by their first names. I’m pretty informal, as are the people I surround myself with, so I’m comfortable with this set up.
I have no good answer to this…our kids use Ms./Mr. and the person’s first name. I still find it weird and creepy but a better option hasn’t presented itself. Much prefer calling everyone “Frenchy”…can we all just agree and start doing it immediately?!?!
My 3 1/2 yr. old boy always says ‘excuse me’, and calls neighbours or other random people by their first name. I find that even our ‘older’ neighbours don’t want to be addressed as Mr. or Mrs….too formal and makes them feel ‘old’.
Forgive my laziness, but I don’t feel like reading through all the comments to see if someone suggested this already. I apologize if it’s a repeat.
What if you get your kids to always introduce themselves to someone they don’t know so they have to say, Hi, my name is Arlo (or Silas, of course). If the adult is polite they’ll respond with their name and then it will be acceptable for Arlo or Silas to call them that. If the adult isn’t polite then they should automatically be called by their first name because, come on Dude, learn some manners.
Now granted, this is going to cause a lot of extra work on your part, especially if your kids are shy, so if that doesn’t work for you I totally support “Hey, ummm…”
I second this!! We have both our boys (6 and 3) introduce themselves and shake hands. They say “Hello, my name is__. Nice to meet you.” The adult replies with what they would like to be called. We’re also in the PNW and most often it’s their first name, but sometimes they get Mr__… All teachers Preschool on up are Mr/Mr first name. We also participate in Taekwondo and all adults and higher ranking peers in that arena are sir/mam.
I was raised as a military brat and we addressed people as sir and m’am. I raised my kids to address as Mr. Blank and Mrs. Blank. I remember feeling a lot of respect from adults by using sir and m’am… not a bad feeling for an awkward kid!
I love that at the school my 5 year old goes to the kids call even their teachers by their first name. Hence, the parents are also referred to by first names. No confusion. Though I’m still often called “Becca’s mommy” when they don’t know my name.
Some may be offended and think it’s rude but I love it.
My mother has always been “Mom” Or Mama De or Mrs Wages to everyone. We always used last names.
YES! Ha!
Preceded by “Howdy”?
My sister has taught my son to call her boyfriend “Dude”. My son is only two so we still do Ms./mr. First name or aunty/uncle first name
I was raised in South Carolina and now live in North Carolina, and I say “sir and “ma’am” to everyone I encounter (who is not a personal relation or acquaintance)… from the girl in the window at McDs to the police officers working at the courthouse. Around here, there is still that respect for other people.
I’m from Texas. Ma’am and Sir are ALWAYS a great option.
Around our neighborhood all the kids call the adults by their first names, preceded by Mr. or Miss. Everyone was good with it. … Mr. Mike.
Jason, I like just calling everyone “Coach.”
Lucky that you are not Chinese :-) We have designated titles for relatives depending on which side and what generational level! For instance, on the maternal side, the aunt is to be an AhYee and her husband YeeCheong. The uncle is to be a AhKiew and his wife KiewMeh. On the paternal side, the aunt is to be an AhKou and her husband KouCheong. The uncle is a bit trickier as if he is older than your dad, he gets to be AhPak but if he is younger, he is AhSouk. And their respective spouses get to be PakMeh and SoukMeh. If you have multiples of each (which is very common in large Chinese families in the 50s) then you need to add their names. I never could remember all these names so I started add their town/city/state locations to differentiate … so for example, I would have something like: AhYee-Plainsboro, AhYee-Philly, AhKiew-Portland, AhKou-Boston, etc. You get the drift. The higher generations have other suffixes … Somehow all the kids by the age of 4 figured this out … constant repetition work I guess. As for others that are not relatives, we will call them uncle or auntie as well but again we would look for cues from our parents.
Since I married someone Caucasian, the kids call all my side using the Chinese titles (thank God I only have two siblings!) and his side the usual uncle/aunt/grammy/grampa .
As for our friends, so far they go with “Ehhh ummm excuse me please?” and let the friends tell them how to be addressed. Some of our single friends tend to be informal “Yo kid! waaaaaassuuup” … to which my kids also reply “Yo!” – not sure about this yet …
in Texas, though, it’s Maaaaa’aaaaaaam, right?
Ha, so weird to see Southern customs have an advantage for a change. I brought the Miss/Mr 1st name with us wherever we moved to and no one complained. Strangely enough, the only problem we ran into was when adults in authority thought my daughters were being insolent when saying “Yes ma’am/sir”, which I had put a lot of effort into teaching them.
I agree with Stacy and Shannon. I hate it when people call me by my first name without asking first. It’s disrespectful, especially from kids. I don’t think kids should suffer from lack of boundaries just because we don’t want to feel old. And, frankly, I like being called Mrs. Farmer. (I’m only 33, so not part of the older generation accustomed to this.) It has seemed like a gyp that hardly anyone has called me that since I got married.
However, I am from Texas. It’s perfectly acceptable to call anyone “Miss/Ms” or “Mr” and then their first name regardless of who they are or how old either of you are. I am trying to teach my son “sir” and “ma’am” as well, but that seems to have fallen out of favor, even in Texas.
My 3yr old twins have always had a knack for making up names for people some good some well ehh. They are 3. They call their grandparents honey & papi (super cute!) they call their aunt Erin Iggy. they call adults (male) dude or mister (female) lady (even after they know the womans name which reminds me of lady & the tramp) or titi which is only for friends & means auntie in Spanish.
The younger kids call me “Miss Kim” and the older ones usually go with “Ms. Conner,” although I wouldn’t mind if they called me Kim. (Briefly, I thought this while typing this reponse: “They call me Mr. Tibbs.”) I agree with Melanie though… we tell our kids to say Mr or Ms. Whozzit until Mr. Or Ms. Whozzit says otherwise.
I have been called and will answer to: Ms. Amy, Ms. B, X’s Mom, Piano Teacher Lady and Art Mom.
I think Mr/Mrs with last initial would be good. Last names can be so difficult. Ms d sounds more respectful and I do believe kids should learn respect! Heck I grew up calling my grandparents Grandma/ Grandpa … Last name
hee! I was Mrs. Zulla to all my daughter’s friends (which always made me smile – because I was not married) – but my fave nickname (which they all still call me and they are in their 20′s) is “Mama Z” :)
We have the kids address adults by however that adult chooses. I actually don’t like the formality if Mrs./Mr. for ourselves. And I ask kids do not use Miss and my first name. Because it’s Mel. Yeah, say it to yourself, “Miss Mel”. Miss Smell.
My husband should always be addressed as Dude.
Hey you! My Google/ other facebook account names is maggiemagillucuty!
I’m cool with being called Miss Kellie by the littler kids then if it’s a friend of my kid they can call me Kellie from tween age onward. If it’s some random kid, mamn works fine and tells me they weren’t raised by wolves.
Also, I was always taught that you called them Mr or Mrs. so-and-so until they told you differently. Start with the highest level of respect and then let the adult decide how they want to be addressed.
This will not be a popular comment, but… I am still a fan of Mr. (last name) and Mrs. (last name). I think it demands respect, and frankly, I think kids have too little respect for adults these days.
This is a good question… My son is 2 1/2 and calls everyone by their first names. I think formalities are silly, but I am aware that the rest of the world does not think the same way I do. I like the comment above about calling everyone Miss or Mr (insert first name here), but still… I really don’t care. I think I’d prefer to be called Erinn, not Miss Erinn.
Ask them. I always ask what they would like to be called. Several close friends are “auntie” or Uncle” so-and-so. Most other people are Miss or Mister First Name. Some people have special titles like pastor, doctor etc. No one yet has asked to be called Mr or Mrs last name or sir/ma’am.
At the risk of sounding like an old fuddy duddy; wow, I just used to the word, “fuddy duddy” in order to NOT sound like an old fuddy dud person. No, my hair is not white, why do you ask? Hmmm.
Is it old-fashiioned to call someone Mr. or Mrs. or is it that we as a society have lost our way a bit in regards to social manners and no longer know what to do? I’m going with that one. Calling someone Mr or Mrs is respectful, considerate and appropriately familiar. Allowing them to then, request you call them something else, should they prefer, is the expectation. My pet peeve when I go to a restaurant or any place else is when an 18 year old girl calls me “Hon”, Ahhhh. Now THAT makes me feel like a little old lady that just got a condesending pat on the head. (Knock it off, your messing up my just permed, white hair) It is so inappropriately too familar. Sure the intention is to make you feel welcomed, but come on, Waaay over done, I am NOT your little old grandam nor am I your 5 year old daughter, niece or nephew.
Coach Jay. Uncle Jay.
Jason, living in the “South”, you would be called Mr. Jason. I had a hard time with this when we moved here, as my son’s preschool teachers were called “Miss Amy” or “Miss Pam”. My main problem was I never learned anyone’s last names!
Since there are many northerner ex-pats here, the gamut goes from “Excuse me, Mr. Smith” to “Excuse me, Sir” to “Excuse me, Mr. Jason” or “Excuse me, Silas’ Dad”.
I have embraced this now and enjoy hearing young children use “sir and ma’am”. It is respectful and believe me, grown-ups are easily impressed when kids address them this way. In fact, they’ll think your kid is so respectful & mature, they’ll blame their own kid on the juice box spill on the couch! Hey – it will save you money on carpet cleaning bills!
We use Miss and Mr. First Names.
Same as Joanna. Down here, it’s not unusual and I think most kids are still taught to say sir or ma’am as well. Just a difference in cultures I think, but it wouldn’t be considered weird sounding.
While I have NO problem with #3… We’re going with the Mr/Miz + first name combo. That feels right for us.
I’ve got a difficult first name, so I don’t like being called Ms. (first name). My last name is easy but I hate the feeling I get when I hear it and immediately begin looking for my mother in law. I go with Mrs. S, because it’s easy, respectful, and it sounds old-timey (Think Mrs. C from Happy Days)
I would like to teach Mr. and Ms. + firstname, but I have only been successful with my son’s teachers and coaches. Not so much with his friends’ parents. At 3 years old, my son just started calling them by there first names. We were pretty surprised when he said “Emily, can I come over to play with Connor.”
Close friends and my cousins are called Uncle and Aunt. My son’s older cousins are called Cousin + firstname.
I’m from the south… But we’ve always said “miss Mary” and “mr Jason” and such. My kids do it… And I still do sometimes, too.
I was raised to call any adult Mr. or Ms. (last name) until and unless they said, “call me (first name).” It also served me well when I graduated from college and was interviewing for jobs.
My own son is too young to be calling anyone anything yet, so I’ll share my own experience. I started out like Arlo, calling my friend’s parents “Rae’s Mom.” When that became awkward (as I realized these people were individuals in their own right… weird!) I gave up, and went the VERY informal route, just calling the parent-on-hand “Mom,” or “Dad.”
Since I was usually with friends that were more-or-less family, I never got any push-back, and this lasted right up until I left for college.
Born/Raised in the South and was raised to say Mr/Mrs (insert last name) unless adult said otherwise. Now that I have kids, the schools (preschool/churches) use the Mr/Mrs (first name) and that works for me. I don’t mind if people say Mrs. Name or Mrs. Last Name, but I do not answer to Hey You! lol
Mr. G…hip and respectful
reminds me too much of Mr. D from Different Strokes.
you say it like it’s a bad thing!
Do you remember Mr. C from Happy Days?
I go with this one. initials are still respectful but more informal.
In Hawaii we have a lovely tradition of calling elders Auntie and Uncle. It works quite well!
My kids’ friends go back and forth with “Kat” and “Mrs. Flaherty.” I prefer Kat, but then it hurts their brains when other parents insist on being called Mrs. Pretty soon I’ll be going back to my maiden name so it’ll probably just be Kat.
We have a hard and fast rule in my house that is sometimes applied. The rule is that my kids call an adult “Mr. ” or “Ms unless the person asks to be called something different or the relationship with my children has progressed past that formal of a title and last name…then they call them “Mr. ” or Ms “. Only very rarely and when the adult in question has indicated extreme discomfort or they are actually friends of my children (as opposed to MY friends that my children are talking to) then they may drop the Mr/Ms. My son was in AFJROTC, so he has adopted calling people Ma’am and Sir, but it rolls off his tongue so naturally that it does not sound forced and is not awkward (but many are surprised by it). It actually works when it comes out so naturally (trust me on that one). My grandparents were southern, so this is pretty common in the south, and maybe I am just pulling it from my own upbringing, but it solves the problem and you don’t have to quiz people with what are they most comfortable with (which is awkward for everyone involved, IMHO). If someone really objects to being called something, they will tell you. It is cute when they are little, but when they are 14 and stand taller than most adults…not so cute and far easier to get these patterns into them when they are small than try to change it later. My son now is a month away from turning 18, stands 6’2″ tall, works in an assisted living facility as a server in the resturant and the folks in there all adore him because he is so polite and it is natural. Yeah, I do get comments that he seems like a throwback to the 1950s, but I consider that to be a compliment. His friends and peers at school like me and go out of their way to come up and greet me at the supermarket (even when I am alone) and I consider that to be a good thing. I don’t want to be the creepy mom that tries to be their kid’s buddy or horn in on their kid’s friendships. I am a mom, I wear mom jeans, I cross my legs when I laugh or sneeze, and kids don’t want me to try to be their peer. I am okay with that.
I think this is a great approach.
While not a bad approach, it’s just a shame that you have to do it while wearing mom jeans. Is that what you want to teach your kids about denim?
hahahahaha
In Portugal, all kids call their parents’ friends “aunt” or “uncle”. It makes them believe we’re all part of a big, happy family. We strongly refrain them from addressing to strangers – so either you’re part of the family, or they know they must stay away from you ;))
I like that!
Same thing back home in Morocco, but it becomes weird once u’re 26 and u just don’t know how to call your “uncle” that u haven’t seen since you were 14.
My husband and I have set a horrific precedent by referring to parents of kids’ friends as, say, Mrs. Jeremy, Mr. Nora, you get the idea. The good news is that the kid is already set up to be a social disaster, so this is just a tiny drop in the bucket.
I grew up in the south, and adults we knew well were always Mr. or Ms. (insert first name). I like this and am teaching it to my children. It’s less formal than Mr. or Mrs. (last name) but still acknowledges the respect due an adult.
This is what we are teaching the girls. But it’s a southern thing. I had a problem back in the day when I was little as well with names as there was no convention in CO or NY. Here it’s Mr (first name) and Ms (firstname) and if you are responding it’s always yes/no sir/ma’am. Unless it’s your teacher and then it Mr/Mrs. (lastname)
My mom was from SC and taught me to say ma’am/sir. It did cause some problems, though, since I grew up not in the south, but in PA. My friends thought I was afraid of my dad because I called him sir. I even got in trouble with my 5th grade teacher for calling her ma’am– she thought I was being sarcastic.
We do this as well for close friends, though we’re not in the south. For really close friends we do aunt/uncle. For acquaintances or the older-than-us generation (my parents’ age, etc.) we teach Mr./Mrs. Lastname. If an acquaintance prefers first name, we have our kids use Mr./Miss Firstname.
NOT a southern think. I live on the very west coast of Canada and it’s what we do here.
Really? You address people as Mr or Mrs and their first name in BC?
I’m 31, and I still call people Mr/Ms [first name]. And not just older people- people of all ages. Of course, I also still call people (of any age) Sir/Mam if I don’t know them. I learned it in the south, but no one in the Midwest seems to mind either. People say it’s little eccentric, but “cute”. I’m ok with cute.
Great and fun post!!! This may not be helpful, as I live in North Carolina, but I’m a huge fan of “Mrs./Mr. firstname”. And, while my 3-year old son doesn’t address folks as “Excuse me, ma’am” he sure as heck says “yes ma’am/no sir”.
I am surprised at how much I love being called ma’am by my neighbor kids. It feels like they have good parents who have taught them to respect adults.
That’s interesting. I’m equally surprised by how weird it makes me feel to me called sir
I think this is very regional. I live in hyper-liberal Boston, near the even-more-liberal-if-you-can-beleive-it Cambridge line, and all the adults go by first name here, up to and including the preschool teacher. (Although, honestly, we’re called [so-and-so's] mom/dad most often.) In such a context “sir” and “ma’am” really do sound a little insolent. We only use “sir” and “miss/ma’am” for total strangers, like store clerks and the like.
When I was in my 20s it made me feel old for sure. Now I like it. I’m in Indiana, grew up in MN. Maybe it is a midwestern thing.
I was just going to write basically what B said below. Teach your sons to address people as “Mr” or “Mrs/Ms” so-and-so, and if that person feels that title is too stilted s/he will invite your children to call him/her something all can agree on.
Thank you for writing about this! I struggle with this as well. My almost 3yo calls her friends’ parents “Maria’s mommy” or “Olivia’s daddy,” just like Arlo does. Among our group of friends we try to encourage the kids to use the parents’ first names, but I think it’s just too many names for them to remember. I, too, dislike the idea of being called ma’am or Mrs…. I’m not that old! ;)
I grew up with a McGillicuddy!
Lady in the white shirt. Man with the striped shirt.
Several of my friend’s kids do the Miss Insert First Name thing too….it seems to be the go to answer for the 4 year old set…but I can’t get into it. I tell my kids the mom’s and dad’s names and I am comfortable with them addressing them that way. They show they are polite and respectful in their actions…having a former name to use doesn’t seem necessary to me (well, for the most part, I keep thinking about it, so there must be some discomfort there).
formal. not former. Although creating new names, such as Dale, and then occassionally calling them by their former names would be a fun game too.
My Romanian friend calls me “Frenchie” all the time. I told him my last name is Flemish in origin, and somehow he interpreted that to mean I’m French? I’m still confused about that one.
I agree even at 55 I do not want to be called “ma’am” or Mrs. Cantu, one foot in the grave feeling. But since I fostered for 15 years I had to come up with something, so it was “Ms. Debi”. Now thats what everyone calls me, unless they are actually a friend or relative. It’s the worser of all evils I guess……. DO NOT LIKE “HEY!” Or I can’t stand even for my own kids to just start talking to me with out addressing me, like I’m suppose to know they are talking to me and not the wall or something….. But then that backfires because they say “mom, mom,mommmm, DEBI !!” sometimes before it connects they are talking to me……… It’s called selective hearing and I caught it from them!!!!
Since you’re asking for advice, here goes:
I’m from the South, so I STILL call people older than me “Miss ____”. There’s nothing wrong with that, and especially from a child I know it charms the older ladies.
I like “Mister”. It’s a little less formal than “sir” but still respectful and clear.
For all of this, though, you can always use the tried-and-true answer: ASK the person what they would like your kids to call them. No guesswork – easy answer.
For what your sons friends should call you? I’m all for “Dale”.
A variation on “Hey Umm” is “Umm Excuse Me?” I used that a lot. Primarily my folks made me call people by Mr or Mrs LastName. Now everyone has different last names and human-to-human relationships with their kids (unlike my parents and their parents), so the formality doesn’t really work as easily. The one single mom who had me call her by her first name made me uncomfortable every time I used it — worse was hearing her daughter call my parents by their first names. So, Um Excuse Me is going to be where we start. I see no other choice.
This is an excellent point; the more human-to-human relationships. I get annoyed sometimes when the older generation scoffs at how “hard” modern parenting is. Well, guys it’s no longer acceptable to tie your toddler to a clothesline on a sunny day and go inside for a few hours, so things are a little more process-intensive now.
I tend to ask people what they want my son to call them, if it’s someone I know. I’ve taught him to call everyone else “sir,” ma’am” or “miss,” but I’ve been seriously considering switching him over to “toots” and “guy,” because that’s hilarious, and nobody can get mad at a four-year-old for that.
+1 for “toots”
You don’t like “guy”? I’ve also been toying with “champ” or slugger” for men…
Oh I like guy too, but I would prefer calling both men and women, “Toots”
How about toots and boss?
My husband calls men “Jefe” (means chief)
I sympathize with your struggle. Having worked at a daycare, I will forever introduce children to adults as “Mr. John” or Miss Kelly”, which usually adults find weird. My husband, specifically, is annoyed by it, but it’s too ingrained in my system, now.
I looked into this the other day after a talk with some friends. If I remember correctly, Emily Post says that kids should start out addressing everyone as Mr. or Mrs. Smith, and let the individual adults tell them if they’d prefer to be called Dale or similar. That way you don’t offend the more traditional folks and your kids come across as adorable and polite.
As a kid, I just stood next to the adult and said, “Excuse me?” until they responded back. The adult can tell the child what to call them. I tell my children’s friends to call me by my first name.
I’m with you, Saundra.
I like Boss for both men and women!