I can’t do anything without my 5 year-old prodding at my motives. And, yes, I know he’s just trying to figure out how the world works, and what motivates people, but his curiosity is forcing me to analyze my own behavior, and it’s hard enough to admit to myself that I grabbed the 1% milk instead of the whole milk because I’m tired and it was closer, but now I’m stuck admitting to him that so many of the decisions I make are driven by convenience or inattentiveness.
Sometimes he’ll ask questions that require sage fatherly advice, like “Do we believe in God?” and though I’m up to that task, the majority of his inquiries still pivot on banalities that I’m shamefully unprepared to answer.
“Daddy, why after you wake up do you lay around for so long?”
“Well, I don’t really feel good and awake until I have coffee.”
“Why do you need coffee?”
“Some people just need coffee I guess. It helps me feel more awake.” And then, instead of explaining the nature of addiction, I change the subject, “Hey, what pants are you going to wear today?”
Since he’s the sweetest boy in the world, he’s now always asking me if I need coffee, like he’s my hospice nurse. “No, I don’t drink coffee this late because it would keep me up all night, and then I’m tired in the morning and need more and more coffee, and OH MY GOD I NEED TO GET MY LIFE TOGETHER!”
He watches and monitors everything I do like a tiny organic Nanny Cam. I’ve heard Britney Spears hired someone to hang out with her and make sure she didn’t do any drugs. Did she not know that her children will do that for free without her even asking?
When an adult questions your day-to-day decisions, it can be maddening and make you defensive. But when your child does it, you have no choice but to face the fact that you’re completely ridiculous and, despite having lived for 40 years, still don’t have this whole life thing figured out yet..
I want to set a good example for him because I know he’s much more likely to model my behavior than he is to follow explicit instructions. When I look up from my phone to tell him he’s logged too much screen time today, even he — a five year-old — can sense the hypocrisy. “Well, you’re always looking at your phone, and that’s a screen.” “That’s true, but I’m an adult and can make my own decisions. Plus, sometimes when daddy’s looking at his phone he’s doing work.” That’s right, Facebook, Twitter and Catapult King pay me a nice monthly salary.
Our kids just assume we do everything correctly, and while I can maybe explain why I do some of the big things wrong, those aren’t what he’s asking about. It occurs to me, though, that maybe there aren’t really any BIG things. Who we are is a composite of the little decisions we make. If I want him to be a mindful, happy, and productive person, I have to start by taking the time and effort, no matter how tired I am or whether or not I’ve had my coffee yet, to move the grape juice out of the way so I can reach the whole milk.
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{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh you are so spot on.
My kids call me out on my laziness all the time… they inspire me to be a better person, or at least to fake it better when they are around :)
“His hair is heavy.” Perfect list. Admittedly, most of the list kinda freaks me out, too. But def my 3yo.
I understand. 53yrs ago we had 3 kids under 3yr….12yrs. later we had another one! gulp….now we can enjoy the grandkids & then go home.
Love this!
O my gosh this is my life. I am so enjoying your blog and reading it aloud to my husband. you have captured a perfect glimpse of life with our 4 children under the age of 4 :) …. thank you for making my middle of the night mom hours full of laughter.
I have NEVER laughed so hard in my life. This IS my life. Except I get “Mom, the dog is looking at me…” or “That has a zipper. I can’t wear zippers.”
This had me in tears of laughter! I have a teenager & far too many of these things are still on the list…so funny. ;o)
So so true!
I shared this on my blog :)
Great one j
Having children has definitely made me more aware of my actions and behavior. Knowing someone is watching (and analyzing) every move helps keep me in check and on track to being the person I want and strive to be. Thanks for posting!
Everyone should have a “time out” and see Parental Guidance and go back to real parenting….
I LOVE your blog! Insightful, accurate, and freaking hilarious more often than not! I often find myself reading and rereading your posts. Thank you for such wonderful insights into parenthood.
Oh, the truth! My 'Lil Miss was on the couch with her pink kid cam after a few minutes of speaking with The Wife, noticed she was giggling. She played back a clip of me trying to be serious and effective in speech. I looked like an idiot.
With her being 7, I'm now on year 7 of NOT looking cool. My little ones keep it real, whether I like it or not. They've outed me on SO many occasions, I just try to keep my head down, while trying to teach them the good stuff. It's a bumpy road!
Jason
The Cheeky Daddy
My inequities have been revealed by my 3.5 yr. old :/
How do you get facebook, twitter and Catapult King to pay you?
Thanks, I had a good laugh. We have been living with the organic nanny cam people since 2005 – more mindful in deed and in word but still practicing to get it half decent.
He’s the sweetest boy. But he has a pretty good example to follow in his dad. Love this post.
So true! My 7 yr old wants to learn how to make coffee because he thinks I will get up and play at 6am if he has made me a coffee first, as though that is the only reason I am not waking up!
Never feed him 1%. It should be a crime. In fact, fuel his whole milk with chocolate. I do, and then force my children to do my bidding by holding the chocolate milk hostage. Haven't cleaned your blocks up yet? Ha! You'll never see the chocolate milk again.
And yes, he is the sweetest boy :)
They think we do everything correctly. Yep, that’s the problem. Flattering and terrible.
So, let's go back to this belief in God thing. I'd love get your take on that.
I love this.
There's nothing like being stopped cold trying to answer a question where the honest answer makes you feel shame and you don't want to model that either… and then the long awkward pause becomes something detrimental in itself.
My son at 4.5 is a great filmmaker with his Fisher Price camera/video recorder. I actually mean really good stuff – with interesting angles (up from inside a carried plastic halloween pumpkin), comedic timing (committing a forbidden act by jumping from a dresser to the parental bed with commentary and landing out of the shot). I really like to encourage this, but I find myself being on constant alert and deleting videos when they document Mommy or Daddy in an undesirable way.
It's like living in a freaking reality show.
Nice insights.
Also, you could just drink the 1% milk because it's more nutritious for you. I'm just saying, at 40 years old, you could probably use less fat in your milk.
I meant “society’s”. How embarrassing.
My 5 year old asks me why I put make up on and it is so hard to explain. “Well sweetie, society expects women to slather unnatural colors all over their faces to become “pretty”. Because my eyelashes don’t meet societies standard without this expensive black crust all over them. But you? You are pretty without all this make up.”
I said “amen” out loud after every paragraph!
Perfect. My children (and husband) know that for everyone’s sake, let me have coffee first thing in the morning. I can fall back on the knowledge that I started drinking coffee at age 10, so it just seems natural, not like an addiction at all….
Me to Myself – (geez, I don’t want to have to cook again tonight and do more dishes. What will he eat without complaining?)
Me – How about McDonald’s tonight?
My 6yo – I thought you said we weren’t going to have McDonald’s anymore.
BUSTED!!
One of your best posts.
The first words out of my 3 year-old’s mouth in the morning is usually, “I want the iPad.” Hmmm…I wonder where he gets that from. ;-)
awesome post, well written!
I haven’t even read it yet. I just like the title : )
I am experiencing the greedy glee and exhilaration of discovering the new favorite blog that you never knew existed but are now totally going to read in its entirety in one sitting and then obsessively refresh the page for new posts and then forward them all to your friends because it's all so funny and true and wonderful and now I'm late to pick up my kid. Thank you.
Both of my kids mimic me and it is disturbing. My son has a cold and is blaming it on the dog hair in the house — just like I do when my allergies act up. It's cute and creepy sometimes
it doesn't matter how good of an example you try to be…..he will NEVER, of his own volition, move the juice to get the milk. it's not part of our male DNA. otherwise, spot on!
These words are so true.
As much as "because I don't wanna" would work in most of my parenting situations, I try to actually explain why I'm doing the things I'm doing. It's the price I pay for raising a bright, inquisitive kid. hindsight…..
That's really nice, thanks!
Jason, yours is the best parenting blog. It inspires me to write better.
"…a tiny organic Nanny Cam" – hahahaha, so true! A lovely, sly-hit-in-the-gut piece.