Last night around 9pm:
“… It’s like a whole room that’s a bed. That’s what we need…It’s not a bedroom, it’s a room that’s a BED. A Bed ROOM.” Lindsay wanted to make sure I understood her fantastic idea.
“Yes, I get it. But how does that work? We just open the door and fall onto a giant mattress?” I asked.
“YES, EXACTLY! The whole family sleeps together on it. It’s wall-to-wall bed with little paths cut out for navigation, and nooks for book reading. We would just crawl around on it and stuff. I could definitely sell this idea. There are families out there who want it. They might not admit it in public, but I know they’re out there. It should totally be a service.”
Our unwillingness to exert any nighttime discipline has fostered a unique sleeping situation in our home. It’s one that could be simplified significantly by having a gigantic bed that all four of us can share — maybe similar to the one I saw in Shaq’s house on an old episode of MTV Cribs, which was 12 feet long and 7 feet wide. But a whole room with paths cut-out? I can’t help but imagine an overzealous Sultan talking to his interior designer. “And in this room, I want a giant bed with a labyrinth carved into it. And I want it to have diamond and chocolate sheets sewn by eunuchs. There will be an orchestra of squirrels playing violas and oboes!” Take it easy, Sultan.
When I pressed her about the feasibility of this being an actual product people would buy, it was clear she hadn’t really thought it through.
“So each mattress would be custom built for a specific room in a family’s house? Would it cost 20 thousand dollars? When the kids get older and don’t need to sleep with their mom and dad anymore, what do they do with this giant mattress they took out a mortgage to buy?”
“Well, it wouldn’t be one mattress, it would be like a bunch of cut-up foam ones just sort of pieced together. It doesn’t have to be that comfortable.”
Perfect, a giant uncomfortable bed everyone sleeps on. How is that different than camping? Maybe Lindsay just wants to live in a tent and cut foam for other like-minded families. Everyone has a dream, right?
Here’s the infomercial:
What’s the worst part of camping? No, besides the toilet situation. That’s right, SLEEPING! Would you like to replicate that uncomfortable experience without the annoyances of nature? Yes? Well, then give us a call at BedROOM, Inc. We’ll come to your house, measure your bedroom and fill it with various pieces of random foam we found in an abandoned warehouse. Call now and get 2 BedROOMS for the price of one. Actually, if you call in the next 30 seconds, we’ll also cover your house in bubble wrap! Call 1-888-BedROOM now!