The BedROOM, Inc.

Last night around 9pm:

“… It’s like a whole room that’s a bed. That’s what we need…It’s not a bedroom, it’s a room that’s a BED. A Bed ROOM.” Lindsay wanted to make sure I understood her fantastic idea.

“Yes, I get it. But how does that work? We just open the door and fall onto a giant mattress?” I asked.

“YES, EXACTLY! The whole family sleeps together on it. It’s wall-to-wall bed with little paths cut out for navigation, and nooks for book reading. We would just crawl around on it and stuff. I could definitely sell this idea. There are families out there who want it. They might not admit it in public, but I know they’re out there. It should totally be a service.”

Our unwillingness to exert any nighttime discipline has fostered a unique sleeping situation in our home. It’s one that could be simplified significantly by having a gigantic bed that all four of us can share — maybe similar to the one I saw in Shaq’s house on an old episode of MTV Cribs, which was 12 feet long and 7 feet wide. But a whole room with paths cut-out? I can’t help but imagine an overzealous Sultan talking to his interior designer. “And in this room, I want a giant bed with a labyrinth carved into it.  And I want it to have diamond and chocolate sheets sewn by eunuchs. There will be an orchestra of squirrels playing violas and oboes!” Take it easy, Sultan.

When I pressed her about the feasibility of this being an actual product people would buy, it was clear she hadn’t really thought it through.

“So each mattress would be custom built for a specific room in a family’s house? Would it cost 20 thousand dollars? When the kids get older and don’t need to sleep with their mom and dad anymore, what do they do with this giant mattress they took out a mortgage to buy?”

“Well, it wouldn’t be one mattress, it would be like a bunch of cut-up foam ones just sort of pieced together. It doesn’t have to be that comfortable.”

Perfect, a giant uncomfortable bed everyone sleeps on. How is that different than camping? Maybe Lindsay just wants to live in a tent and cut foam for other like-minded families. Everyone has a dream, right?

Here’s the infomercial:

What’s the worst part of camping? No, besides the toilet situation. That’s right, SLEEPING! Would you like to replicate that uncomfortable experience without the annoyances of nature? Yes? Well, then give us a call at BedROOM, Inc. We’ll come to your house, measure your bedroom and fill it with various pieces of random foam we found in an abandoned warehouse. Call now and get 2 BedROOMS for the price of one. Actually, if you call in the next 30 seconds, we’ll also cover your house in bubble wrap! Call 1-888-BedROOM now!

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

3 comments On The BedROOM, Inc.

  • It’s wonderful that the two of you are close
    enough to share things like this. Twenty years passed, but ‘Ghost’
    starring Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze is always considered
    to be one of the most beloved films in the history. I read the article off another website (sad that Im the last
    one to know about this) I did a search on the story for more info and
    I have a headache.

  • This is in fact how a lot of Asians sleep. They have an entire room that’s basically bed (well, tatami) and traditionally, the entire nuclear family sleeps in it (which makes one wonder how nuclear families ever grow beyond the first child, but whatever). During the daytime, the doors to the sleeping room are shut, and no one goes in except to nap. My mother told me that she learned all her anti-snoring tricks because her brothers were such nocturnal nasal thunderstorms.

  • oh so wishing I could be in my bedroom right now….where my husband is happily snoring away napping. My son is napping on my lap with a b**b in his mouth and I am trapped reading your blog trying not to laugh hard enough to wake him!

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