Suggestion: A Control Group for The Olympics


A week ago, every Olympic feat was mind-boggling to me. But as I’ve become more knowledgeable about the events, I’m finding fault with nearly everything. “Oops, big balance check there!” or “Totally over-rotated, and his feet weren’t even together.” I’m extremely annoying. “No idea how they found three-tenths of a deduction on that!” “This dive has a really low degree of difficulty.” I’ve lost my perspective on how amazing and difficult these feats are.

For the next Olympics, I think each event should include a lay participant who competes along side the trained athletes. “Did you say that dive ‘sucked’? Well, here’s Brandy, a 47 year-old bartender from Gahanna, Ohio attempting the same dive. Now THAT’S A BIG SPLASH, and a broken wrist, and possibly a punctured eardrum.” As a ratings booster, we could ask some celebrities to do it, too. Who wouldn’t enjoy watching Christina Aguilera attempt a vault? Answer: Christina Aguilera.

This wouldn’t be limited to the judged events. Let’s have a 50 year-old dude sausage himself into a Speedo to compete in the 400 meter butterfly. He’d have to stop every 30 meters and hang onto the side to catch his breath as his jiggly man-boobs rippled through that shimmering navy blue nylon bodysuit. We could probably convince Piers Morgan to do it.

Track and field could also benefit from this. Do you think the pole vault is boring? Watch this DMV clerk from Chattanooga try it. “Well, Tim, he’s going to have to figure out a way to actually lift the pole if he wants to compete in this event.” I’m morbidly curious to see Steven Tyler throw a javelin…and now so are you.

ATTENTION Barbara Walters: Are you available to compete in the triple jump or hammer throw?

At the risk of overstepping my bounds, I’d like to nominate myself for the balance beam in 2016. I will be TERRIBLE at it and I promise to wear jeans and put a lot of chalk on my bare feet. If it’s a celebrity you want, might I suggest the singer from the country music group Rascal Flatts? Think about it and get back to me.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

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