No, Seriously, Who Are These People?

Maybe I’m so shamefully captivated by “The Bachelorette” because I need to understand how members of my species can survive such emotional torture. The first couple of weeks seem like a harmless game, but around week five, the remaining contestants all fall in love with the same woman.  None of the men understand that their emotions have been kidnapped by the thrill of a carefully manufactured chase. It’s gross, inhumane, manipulative, and unfortunately that makes irresistible television.

Of course something’s missing here. Let’s assume that the bachelorette and one of her suiters truly believe they are in love. If human beings are what I think they are, the following conversation must  have taken place at some point and simply been cut out, or not caught on film.

Bachelorette
(speaking to the mysteriously calm guy she’s fallen for)
So, I totally love you, and none of these other guys matter, but this is a show, and well, if I run away ….

Mysteriously Calm Guy
Shhhh…I know, baby.

Bachelorette
(crying)
I don’t even want to kiss the rest of these guys. You’re the only one I want to be with. Do they really expect me to fake it?

Mysteriously Calm Guy
Just do what you need to. The money you’re getting will help us buy a new house and start a college fund for your daughter.

Bachelorette
Will you promise that when you watch this, you won’t get mad and think that I really do like these other guys? Because I so so don’t. They’re total losers, and they gross me out. This is like that movie Decent Proposal with Paul Newman.

Mysteriously Calm Guy
(drying her tears)
I think you mean Indecent Proposal and it was Robert Redford, not Paul Newman.

Bachelorette
The salad dressing guy?

Mysteriously Calm Guy
No, that’s Paul Newman.

Bachelorette
What? I don’t understand.

Mysteriously Calm Guy
It’s not important. Look, I trust you, and if you say these other guys don’ t matter and your affection for them isn’t real, then I believe you.

Bachelorette
You’re amazing. I love you so much.

Mysteriously Calm Guy
I love you too.

If that doesn’t happen on the show every season, I’m  joining a different species. Maybe I need just once for the Bachelorette to say, “Ok, the show’s over. I’m marrying this guy right now, and the rest of you can go home. Shut down the cameras, ABC. I’m done.”

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