Nope, I Can Still Smell It.

My friend gave me some pot for my 40th birthday and I’m terrified of it. I haven’t really smoked The Sweet Mary Jane since a quarter ounce cost $25.  In my day  you could go through a whole joint by yourself and question whether you were actually stoned. You didn’t have to worry about smelling like weed unless you smoked it while wearing a thick flannel shirt in a car with the windows rolled up.

This new reefer is some serious shit. I haven’t smoked any, and I’m not sure I plan to, because, frankly, I’m not sure what it is. I do know that, despite my best efforts, the whole house smells like it. I showed it to my wife and we both panicked like someone entrusted us with Mastodon DNA.

Look, Kevin gave me pot for my birthday.
Really? Why?
I’m not sure.
What are you going to do with it?
I don’t know. What do you think I should do with it?
You aren’t going to smoke it, are you?
No, I don’t think so. I mean, I don’t know, maybe?
Really? Why would you smoke pot?
Never mind, I won’t.
So you’re not going to smoke it?
But you want to keep it?
I think so, yes.
Is it illegal to have pot in the house? I don’t even know anymore.
I think so, yes.
Well, just wrap it up in something and hide it somewhere.

I have it in 4 layers of Ziploc baggies stuffed in an empty pill bottle wrapped in a t-shirt and shoved in the back of my dresser, and I can smell it from the patio. My wife and I have been testing different parts of the house, “Yup, I can smell it from here!” Should I just stuff it inside a Renuzit? Is there something weird that can neutralize the smell, like bacon grease?

Maybe the weed geeks can create a nice potent strain that smells just vaguely of burgers cooking on the grill, or better yet,  has no scent at all. I know sniffing it is the best way you can tell if “bud” is “kind” before smoking it, but I’ve been in Pier Ones that have less aroma than my bedroom right now.

Until I get the balls to smoke it, or donate it to the needy, I’ll just tell people who come to my house that I spilled Drakkar Noir on my pet llama.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

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