No, Not Daddy’s Standup!

Our kids noodle around on our iPhones constantly. By “noodle,” I mean change my ringtone to Nicki Manaj and sign us up for the 4GB Pro Data plan at $60/month. As long as they’re occupied and happy, right?

Arlo (2) has a knack for finding bizarre stuff on YouTube. He’s been known to travel 50 to 60 levels deep into “related videos”, so whether it’s Death Metal Bob the Builder, or Steve-o snorting a line of wasabi, he’s on it . He also explores my music library, often starting a Rush song only to immediately chant “Over over over.” I don’t think he likes Rush. That’s OK, they’re an acquired taste, and La Villa Strangiato isn’t the best introduction to their specific brand of progressive rock. We’ll work on that when he turns eleven.

Luckily, he almost always gets confused and switches off any hip hop clip featuring “rump shaking” in favor of Yo Gabba Gabba, so generally we haven’t had to intervene. Recently, however, he’s discovered my voice notes, and has, on multiple occasions, started playing recordings of my standup which makes us jump out of our seats faster than if he’d downloaded Pat Robertson’s podcast.

Somehow, it’s tacitly agreed that we would rather he watch a 2 Live Crew video than listen to a recording of me explaining to a group of strangers how I’ve simply grown too old to enjoy pornography, or why I fear my eyes are so close together that people on the street think I’m from a less evolved species.

We’re always alerted the same way. He’s holding my phone and quietly saying, “Daddy Daddy Daddy.” That’s when my wife and I scamper to make the first loud vocal noise we can think of so he can’t hear me talking about how difficult it is to be Zen when a shaved chimp in a diaper is playing the kazoo in my ear. I panicked once and just started singing the chorus to “I Will Always Love You” at the top of my lungs. It was the most wholesome thing I could think of.

Of course, he doesn’t know what I’m talking about, but the mere fact that it’s ME – his daddy — talking late at night about stupid grown-up stuff makes us envision a dense cloud of innocence bellowing out through his ears.

I don’t know how old my kids will be before I let them watch my standup. I’ll probably just wait until I catch one of them watching a Louis CK special after I’ve gone to bed.

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Cathy S says:

Ah yes, the related videos. My 2.5 yr old likes to start at a bunch of little English kids singing If You're Happy and You Know It. And somehow, 20 levels deeper, she'd end up at this puppet show where the puppets are wondering what the ticking noise is. Catchy music with the ticking, seemed innocent enough. She probably watched it a hundred times before I started paying attention. The ticking noise? A pipe bomb. It kills them all in the end. Now I quickly switch off the wi-fi when handing over devices so she can only play with her apps.

Muma says:

Arlo changed the wallpaper on my iPhone eight times, laughing each time and grabbing the phone again as I laughed incredulously. He's two!!

Danielle says:

OMG, dying. seriously dying laughing….. and hoping if you guys make the cross country trek again, you will do a show so that the Knapps and I can come and laugh really loud….not that being out without children would have anything to do with that. :)

Beth says:

You had to go to a special 'eyes-too-close-together' section? That seems odd. And insulting. They really don't look it….

Jason Good says:

She was Russian, and didn't speak English all that well, so I think she didn't mean for it to sound so much like "YOU'RE A FREAK!"

Beth says:

That makes more sense, still, who wouldn't that give a complex to? Jeez….really funny blog by the way….I totally laughed out loud! I love it when that happens….

Pish Posh says:

God this made me literally laugh out loud (LLOL) four times! First the eyes then the shaved chimp and whitney houston and so forth.

I've always wondered what Louis CK's girls are going to think when they grow up and hear him calling them little a-holes. But they'll probably say "yea, yea we were. And Daddy's funny as hell and now we fly first class… so…"

Kelly says:

Aaaaand now I have "I Will Always Love You" stuck in my head.

Jason Good says:

Oh, you're welcome. Did you see the girl sing it on American Idol last night? Amazing. Yes, I'm a heterosexual male.

Jennifer Martin says:

My son is 13. Several months ago, he discovered that he could make Pandora channels for himself based on comedians. He was pretty immersed before we figured it out. In any event, he likes to sleep with background noise and Pandora comedians is his background noise of choice. We have gotten used to it, but other people find it strange that horrible cursing can be heard emanating from his bedroom at all hours of the night.

Melanie says:

Isn't it funny what we are protective with our kids about?

I had two boys at Alcatraz and although I know they play video games where they are blowing up zombies and watching things explode, at one point of the recording it said something about an inmate stabbing their cell mate to death. Never have I ripped a pair of ear phones off a child's head so fast. I don't know if it was because it was non-fiction, but I didn't want the little ones hearing that sentence, even though they virtually kill people on almost a daily basis. (And these weren't even my kids. If they were, they probably wouldn't be playing those video games).

annie says:

Did anyone else scroll up to check the pic immediately after the 'eyes too close together' line? Haha

Kelly says:

Yes!

Beth says:

Me too! And, in this photo, your eyes don't appear abnormally close together at all, btw…. :-)

Adrienne says:

Got me

Jason Good says:

When I went in to get glasses, the woman helping me said, "well, since your eyes are so close together, we'll have to look over in this section." It gave me a complex.

Amanda S. says:

Geez, that seems awfully rude of her! I don't think thy look too close either.

Corinne says:

I did!!! And was going to post that I did so :)

lol

shannon says:

i so scrolled up to look at your eyes