I Could Totally Give Birth

Men patronize women by complimenting them on their ability to give birth. Give me a vagina and a uterus filled with a baby that’s ready to party, and I know I could push it out. It wouldn’t be pretty; I’d definitely cry, scream and call a nurse the c-word,  but I’d pull it off.

Don’t get mad. I’m going somewhere with this.

What I could never do is be pregnant for more than a week. I know some women “love being pregnant,” but I’m pretty sure they’re full of shit. Real women, for whom pregnancy feels like a choppy ride on a rowboat, want those Gaia mothers to eat their tempeh wraps and shut it.

As an emotional witness to two pregnancies, I understand it’s basically like having the stomach flu for six months, followed by three months of being fat, wearing elastic, and rolling around for the remote while peeing a little in your pants. Sure, the end part seems great, and in fact many people in Mississippi live their entire lives that way, but it’s those first six months that make women worthy of awe and worship.

I remember my wife saying she’d been nauseous nonstop for two months. She would barf at least twice a day for 2 months.  I  incredulously asked, “So wait, you’ve been nauseous and debilitatingly tired for 60 days and even after you throw-up you don’t feel better? ” She replied, “Yes” in that “Shut up, or I’m gonna projectile on your face” kind of way.

Nausea is the worst feeling in existence. In my drinking days, if I got the spins, or felt even a little queasy, I would go make myself puke immediately. Problem solved.

I’ve had the stomach flu twice this year, and if Rush Limbaugh had appeared asking for my soul and a sensual massage in exchange for health, I would have whimpered, “Take it evil doughboy and slide on over next to me. Oh, and put my iPod on ‘zen mix.'”

Given my lack of tolerance for discomfort, I have little doubt that after 48 hours of being pregnant and nauseous, I would think, “Umm, I don’t want a baby this bad,” and throw myself down the stairs.

There must be a hormone that starts firing when a woman becomes pregnant. It makes her more tolerant of feeling like she’s in the way way back of a 1984 Plymouth station wagon with a gas leak driving through the hill towns of Tuscany. That hormone is the only thing separating us from extinction, and I want an injection of it next time I get dizzy.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here http://bit.ly/1exfm34. Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

41 comments On I Could Totally Give Birth

  • I was miserable my whole pregnancy – vomiting, swollen, the whole deal. But you know what? I have no idea WHY, but I loved being pregnant. I honestly couldn't explain it to you, other than maybe it's the anticipation and the wondering who this little thing inside of you is going to turn out to be. Also, it's a fantastic excuse to sit on your behind and eat all the Ben and Jerry you want. That may have helped a little.

  • Preach it brotha man. I just got done my first trimester with my second and while this pregnancy has gone "smoother" than the first one, I have taken to mumbling, "Never again" on my way out of the bathroom after my pre-dinner vomiting. That and changing my pants because the vomiting made me pee.

  • Awesome. I used to live in Mississippi. Also, I've been pregnant. You're definitely onto something here.

  • As a women who is 6 months pregnant with my second child – I appreciate this post…a lot…and I never even got nasuous or vommited once – either time – I am one of the lucky ones…I do love being pregnant but its b/c I dont vomit all the time. that being said – I still think the population would suffer greatly if men had to be pregnant – it just wouldn't happen and I bet sex would not feel as AWSOME unless men were wearing a condom if that were the case!

  • Hilarious. Love all of this, timing, writing, description, and kudos.

    The Rush Limbaugh sensual massage is especially nice. How much do you want to bet if men were the ones who got pregnant the "birth control" and "abortion" conversation would be a LOT different?

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