I Could Totally Give Birth

Men patronize women by complimenting them on their ability to give birth. Give me a vagina and a uterus filled with a baby that’s ready to party, and I know I could push it out. It wouldn’t be pretty; I’d definitely cry, scream and call a nurse the c-word,  but I’d pull it off.

Don’t get mad. I’m going somewhere with this.

What I could never do is be pregnant for more than a week. I know some women “love being pregnant,” but I’m pretty sure they’re full of shit. Real women, for whom pregnancy feels like a choppy ride on a rowboat, want those Gaia mothers to eat their tempeh wraps and shut it.

As an emotional witness to two pregnancies, I understand it’s basically like having the stomach flu for six months, followed by three months of being fat, wearing elastic, and rolling around for the remote while peeing a little in your pants. Sure, the end part seems great, and in fact many people in Mississippi live their entire lives that way, but it’s those first six months that make women worthy of awe and worship.

I remember my wife saying she’d been nauseous nonstop for two months. She would barf at least twice a day for 2 months.  I  incredulously asked, “So wait, you’ve been nauseous and debilitatingly tired for 60 days and even after you throw-up you don’t feel better? ” She replied, “Yes” in that “Shut up, or I’m gonna projectile on your face” kind of way.

Nausea is the worst feeling in existence. In my drinking days, if I got the spins, or felt even a little queasy, I would go make myself puke immediately. Problem solved.

I’ve had the stomach flu twice this year, and if Rush Limbaugh had appeared asking for my soul and a sensual massage in exchange for health, I would have whimpered, “Take it evil doughboy and slide on over next to me. Oh, and put my iPod on ‘zen mix.’”

Given my lack of tolerance for discomfort, I have little doubt that after 48 hours of being pregnant and nauseous, I would think, “Umm, I don’t want a baby this bad,” and throw myself down the stairs.

There must be a hormone that starts firing when a woman becomes pregnant. It makes her more tolerant of feeling like she’s in the way way back of a 1984 Plymouth station wagon with a gas leak driving through the hill towns of Tuscany. That hormone is the only thing separating us from extinction, and I want an injection of it next time I get dizzy.

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Star says:

I’ve been extremely lucky.  With both of my pregnancies I had absolutely no sickness.  My problem?  Sleeping on my side.  I usually sleep on my back, and sleeping on my side every night killed my hips. Plus the fact that I was always exhausted.  However, if finances were better?  I’d do it again in a heartbeat.  =D

Raizy says:

This is one of my favorite posts! Can't stop laughing! I didn't get very sick during my pregnancy, but the last two months, in the heat of Israeli summer were SO miserable. After birth I was incredibly relieved not to be pregnant anymore. Now my husband keeps asking if we can try for another… give me another year to forget ok?

brennyg says:

You are freakin hilarious, honestly. I love this post! Mostly because when I was pregnant I felt like I was walking around in a nauseous haze, with bad skin and greasy hair- definitely not "glowing".

Rachel says:

I was pretty lucky with my pregnancy as well. No nausea at all. What i didn't expect was how tired I would be. Had i not known i was preggo I would have assumed I had mono, or Rip Van Vinkle disease. With that being said, i was completly unprepared for how exhausting the actual boy would be.I would take being uncomfortable & peeing every 15 minutes to sleep deprevation any day. He is 3 now & we ponder doing this again, perhaps. I remind myself that insanity is doing the same thing over & over & expecting a different result, but perhaps when he turns 4 we may try this again, assuming my old uterus & eggs will still cooperate

Jalika says:

Fantastic blog. These are the words I wish my husband had written. But despite constantly acknowledging my own pregnancy heroism, I think there must be a hormone. I vomited everyday for 6 months during my first pregnancy and never really felt better. Got the stomach flu a few weeks ago – for FOUR WHOLE HOURS – and wanted to kill myself. My current life plan is to be done, forever, with nausea.

Robyn says:

The hormone totally exists. With my first I was so nauseous I couldn't smell what I was about to eat for more than 5-10 minutes or I couldn't eat it. I also couldn't eat any meat, or anything sweet like candy, cookies, cake… And I was a cake decorator at the time! Talk about torture, every smell that came out of the ovens made me want to hurl. With my second I was worse – I unknowingly got pregnant in october and had bought a frozen turkey for thanksgiving. The mere KNOWLEDGE of that frozen turkey in my freezer made me hurl daily until I begged my husband to give it away. And that's just the nausea part of my pregnancies! I won't get into the painful parts.

But you know what? That hormone kicked in because even though I remember all the horrible parts, what I FEEL is how much I loved pregnant. It's seriously insane.

On a side note, I wish they could isolate the nesting hormone you get when you're pregnant, because I have some baseboards that need cleaning…

Jason Good says:

Ha. I love Robyn

Amy G says:

Thanks for your insight. After 2 kids, both pregnancies requiring a chemo patient drug (Zofran) to control the constant vomiting that lasted from 6 weeks to delivery, it is nice to not feel guilty for hating pregnancy but loving my 2 boys. My husband has been awesome and supportive throughout. However, whenever he suggests that we should try for a girl, I sweetly tell him that he is welcome to try, and I will fully support HIS pregnancy! Otherwise, I will happily continue to take my pill every night.

lexie says:

i would have to say, i am one of those women who love being pg. and love giving birth. Both are simple, i've never had morning sickness but i did end up with kidney stones. In the ER the doc said 'if you can get through this, you can get through birth.' He was totally right, w/my birthing exp. i'd take it over kidney stones any day.

Monica says:

My husband is happy you were bold enough to admit what a complete wimp men would be with pregnancy. His only point of disagreement: he would also pass on the giving birth part. His comment: hell, no that looked awful both times I watched you do it.

katiedarling says:

Although my pregnancy was totally unsuccessful and lasted only 5 months, labor sucked and I didn't think it was all that fun. My response,when asked what pregnancy was like, was that I felt like my body had been hijacked by an alien. And I remember stating that I thought any woman who claimed it was the time of their life or enjoyed it were either insane or completely full of shit. However, given the chance, I would totally try again.

Aleesha says:

I am 2 months along, and I guess I have been fortunate not to feel the way you describe pregnancy yet. But now I will just love what is coming forth, thanks. lol