Five years ago, I could shower whenever I wanted. Nothing was stopping me from turning the dial to that bullshit “massage” setting and standing under its annoyingly weak pulse for an hour at 2pm on a Saturday.
It’s much better now that our boys are older, but when one of them was 2 and the other an infant, taking a shower was an event that had to be scheduled and announced. Specifics about its length, and the inclusion of other bathroom activities had to be communicated. ”Would now be an OK time to take a shower?” is something my wife and I asked each other almost every other day. If we brought our phones it was an unspoken — though perfectly clear — message that, pre-shower, we would be perusing the gossip sites from the toilet.
The subtext of all this was, “Can you handle the children by yourself for 20 minutes while I experience some guilt-ridden alone time that doubles as overdue body cleansing?”
Sometimes we even felt it necessary to brag about how dirty we were, or how long it had been since we last bathed, just so our request would more likely be granted without any begrudging “I haven’t showered since Wednesday” or “I have dried guacamole on my shoulder from 3 days ago.” The desired response was, “Oh, God yes. Please take as long as you need,” though I don’t think either of us ever received it. “Gross. Yes, fine … do it now” was more typical.
Some showers had a halftime show performed by the co-parent who yelled “Are you almost done?” through the door, which meant, “It’s been 10 minutes, so you’re clearly just fucking around in there. Come help me!”
The shower is loud enough that the sounds of family dysfunction were drowned out, leaving the bather in a state of blissful ignorance. I saw it as a Zen chamber where I could meditate (albeit lamely) without leaving the house. Upon turning off the water, and hearing the cacophony downstairs, any achievements made in the direction of Nirvana quickly dissipated. The post-shower routine then became a comical exercise in how quickly I could apply enough pomade that my hair didn’t look like it belonged on the head of 1976 Dorothy Hamill.
I would quickly get dressed, and fly down the stairs, only to find that everything had suddenly calmed and I could have taken my time. But then it was too late. Getting back in the shower was out of the question. Taking two showers in one day was the equivalent of a nap, and a preposterous luxury.
Meanwile, the non-showering parent had built-up a good deal of parenting capital, and could announce his or her shower plans with complete impunity. “Ok, now I’m going to take a shower,” was loaded with entitlement. You got to go first, and now I’m going to milk my opportunity for all it’s worth.
If you’re thinking this is a similar dynamic to who orgasms first during sex, you’re right. Relationships change after you have kids. It’s also true that, while I’m the one complaining, all of this was, and is, way worse for my wife.
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I'm feeling pretty clever in this regard, my husband is away so this morning I brought the high chair into the bathroom and set the baby up with some toys. I got a decent shower, and she got her first sauna experience. And right now she is playing in her crib while I drink my coffee and have "alone time"
Oh man, this one is SO TRUE! I can't stop laughing! My husband told me he didn't take a shower this morning and I informed him I hadn't had a shower since MONDAY. I clearly win. My working friends are so jealous that I "get to stay home all day" like it's an all day pajama party and I'm so jealous they get 4-8 hours AWAY FROM THE KIDS.
@Maria – I totally also heard crying babies while in the shower. Thought I would never get the sound out of my ears!
@Mira – my husband does this too. So I end up standing in the shower trying ignore it and muttering "f*** off!!" into the water. Sad.
I love this! This is sooo true – every single word and description. My husband and I are constantly having the “who’s dirtier” argument in order to get 10 minutes to shower and have some alone time. The best is that my husband gladly agrees to watch our infant and tells me to take as long as I need, but then somehow always manages to bring her right in front of the bathroom door when he’s trying to calm her down, just within earshot, so that I can’t help but hear her crying. This of course freaks me out and makes me rush the heck out of the shower and he gets out of having to watch her on his own.
Did anyone too hear crying babies all the time while being in the shower? It happened it the first year so I needed a baby monitor on next to me to have a relaxed 5 min shower time. I think it was a hormonal by effect.
For Lent, I briefly considered giving up taking my phone into the bathroom when taking a shower as my gossip site visitations were was beginning to eat into actual *shower* time. But then I laughed.
This is my life. I have a 2 1/4 year old and 4 1/2 month old. Tomorrow morning I will wake up extra early to sneak in a shower. I managed to get in three this week, which is unusual. If the 2 year old wakes up, he will likely drag Daddy into the bathroom, and Daddy will stand there holding him while he makes observations like "Mommy naked!" and "Mommy hair wet!" and "Mommy butt!", probably on repeat. Unless the baby is awake, in which case I'll turn off the water to hear the thumping of the toddler's feet as he runs around the house while Daddy distracts the baby. And then the morning chaos will begin. But until the water goes off, those moments are mine.
I haven't had a peaceful shower in 13, almost 14, years. I don't know what part of a closed, locked door means "knock and yell 'mom, mom, mom' until mom responds". I did away with my "open door policy" when my almost 3 year old would burst in, smack me on the behind and yell "bunnnns!" and then dash out.
And I dread turning off the water and hearing the chaos that was blissfully drowned out by the running water.
Hysterical. My husband and I do this all the time and yes, I'm the one yelling "What are you doing in there?!?!" I usually have to take showers during the 9 month-old's naptime, and the 2.5 year-old is in between the shower curtain and the clear shower curtain liner taking in the show.
After reading this, and the comments, I feel like crying. Thanks, Jason.
THANK YOU. I thought I was the only one who took guilt showers, and those definitely aren't an everyday occurrence either. I TRY to get one in every other day, and if it's a non-head-washing-day I can shower in about 48 seconds. If I'm washing my hair, which I do MAAAAYBE twice a week, I stretch that bitch out and get every minute out of it. And yes, I lock the door and ignore the shrieks happening from The Other Side. Today when I stepped out of the shower I saw little fingers wiggling back and forth under the door, and a wheedling, "MOMMMMMMYYYYYY – ARE YOU IN THERRRRE?????" which, of course, I ignored.
My husband used to ask coyly if he could shower with me to which I replied "Those days are over, sir!" If being a SAHM means I need to forgo a shower until someone could babysit my 3 kids, I sure as hell am not going to share it! ;-)
@ Courtney, I love the word nekkid! I am from the south so I can appreciate the sound of it!! I havent taken a shower or had "private bathroom time" in 9 years. I dont even bother shutting the door anymore, no matter what I am doing in there.. And since my son thinks it ok to barge in anytime, somehow, my husband thinks this is ok too???? Even our cat pushes the door open right when I walk in the bathroom. Oh well,..whatever I guess.
It's a truth universally acknowledged…. (and by universally, I mean amongst parents. American parents, apparently. Evidently the French are better at this, too, than us.)
Spot on, sir.
Have you read the kids book Five Minutes Peace?
Call it lazy or necessity – but I learned to take my monsters into the shower with me when they were infants. I'd swaddle them in a small towel at first and hold them, then later, put them in an kiddie tub seat so I could enjoy my shower time. Momma don't give up her shower time for nobody!
I love this post. LOVE it.
I have a 5 month old, and you're spot on. I never thought I'd feel guilty for taking a shower, nor did I appreciate the wonderfulness of a shower back when showers were just for getting clean and not a respite from being needed every minute of the day.
What about going to the bathroom? I wish I had even one minute of privacy to take a dump alone.
Agreed!
Oh yes! If I make it in quickly and lock the door, there are thirty small fingers poking under the door, or six small hands pounding on the door, rattling the knob and sticking random items in the keyhole in a futile attempt to unlock the door and get to me. Oh, and one of them ALWAYS has to pee RIGHT NOW in whichever of the 3 bathrooms in our house I might be occupying.
And when I'm not fast enough…
I love the two-year old announcing to the world that he's 'gonna hep momma do da pewp in terlit'. Then he stands and stares. And periodically flushes. I draw the line when he wants to help me wipe…
Then there is the five year-old who wants to give me an oral dissertation on whichever subject he happens to be obsessed with that day. While staring and announcing as loudly as possible that I stink. Well thanks son, and here I thought I shit roses!
The newest thing from my two year old girl: When mommy announces she goes to the toilet, outrun her, claim the toilet and say you need to pee first. While in the potty training process she can't refuse even if she almost pees in her pants her self.
I have often gotten out of the shower to find not only my two small children but my husband camped out in the bathroom. Really? You ALL need to be in here? But the best was when I was showering and my mom says to me, "Can I give you Leah (2 yr old) so you can wash the blood off of her?" That's a relaxing end to a shower.
A few years ago, we had a six foot..yes six foot bath. It did not have jets but it had a great view from the tub overlooking our undeveloped neighborhood. My kids were 6, 4 and 1. When I would very quietly sneak down the hall into our bathroom and lock the bedroom and bathroom door behind me. It never failed as soon as they figured out I was missing and the water was running in the bathroom it began. The banging…I don't mean a light knocking on the door…I mean three kids BANGING LOUDLY ON THE FREAKING DOOR! My husband who had worked all day in the heat and cold didn't think it was a big deal that they did it. He didn't encourage it, but he definitely didn't discourage it. Years later the roles were reversed as he went back to school and I worked….I would whisper to the kids when he would try to take a shower alone. They would excitedly run upstairs and take off all their clothes and all get in the shower with him. He was never amused. LOL Paybacks are sweet sometimes.
I just get excited when I get to shower by myself….
I haven't showered in nearly 4 years without a little face and nose smushed up against the glass door and hearing, "Whatcha doin?" and/or "Are you nekkid?" *sigh*