PAT (People Against Testosterone)

“MEN!  Are you over 40 and lacking the energy you had in your teens? It’s because you have depleted levels of testosterone! All you need is MORE TESTOSTERONE and our medication will trick your body into making more of that magical youth serum so you can start feeling like your virile self again! 50 is the new 18!

I’m assuming you’ve seen the commercials with the sad dumpy middle aged guy who looks like he would love to throw a football but only has enough energy to eat microwaved corn dogs and stink up the seat of his recliner.

We should all dread the day when men over 40 start feeling like they’re 18 again. I don’t want pudgy little bald dudes playing mailbox baseball and smashing pumpkins. Testosterone depletes as we age so we can start making more rational decisions that aren’t based on desires to procreate and conquer. A drug that boosts it will bring a whole host of social problems including but not limited to:

Castle construction boom
We don’t need any more giant stone houses with moats, but if every old dude suddenly has balls filled with young spirits, prepare to wait for a lot of drawbridges, which sucks when you have to pee.

Dramatic increase in cystic acne
Imagine your Dad with giant zits on his chin and forehead. OK, now stop … I’m sorry.

The death of technological advances 
I hope you like the computer you have now, because no one with ragin’ T is gonna give a shit about semiconductors or RAM.

It’s already a huge problem for older guys. Add some extra T and  it’s the new mustache.

Poet extinction
Yea, say goodbye to any sentimentality. Men in their 50’s will start eating books of poetry during their work-outs.

No child should ever have to say: “My daddy died from old age while I was napping in my carseat.”

Increases in pillaging
Not sure what this is, but it sounds testosterone based.

Senior citizen wrestling
So gross, but hey, these uber T’ed out homeboys have to get their homoerotic energy out somehow.

Ripped old guys
Have you seen the advertisement with that smiling grey-haired grandpa with the body of Mark Whalberg? Did it make you feel indescribably disgusted, like roaches were crawling on your brain? Did you shiver a little and change the channel, but then want to see it again later and not know why? Are you stalking him now? Me too. Sigh.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

11 comments On PAT (People Against Testosterone)

  • Oooh, I was going to say how bad it was but when Pish said it would mean a decline in the sale of crocs, I had to think again.

    • I am in full support of anything that puts Crocs out of business. Unrelated joke:

      "Wow! Those Crocs look fabulous on you!" said no one. Ever.

  • I am totally freaked out by the fact that prior to the 20th century, even the most advanced societies had a life expectancy of something like 45. So that means a huge chunk of our history, with world-wide ramifications, was decided and acted upon by teenagers. Scary.

  • Okay, you make very good points. I'll finish the bottle I have and then go back to adult gummies.

  • Ha. My grandma's brother was a Ripped Old Guy. We called him Uncle Muscles. He didn't look disgusting, but I know what you mean. He had a neck and normalcy, he was just 70 but in amazing shape – he was a beautiful painter and gentle spirit too so… who knows.

    How about more testosterone means more wars, humvees, monobrows, and cage-fighting but… on the positive side a sharp decline in sales of crocs.

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