And Then There Was Candy

This is for the leagues of you thinking, “Hey, how does Jason feel about candy?”

Sour Patch Kids
I generally don’t eat anything with such blatant ties to the doll industry, and usually do my best  to steer clear of ingesting candy in the shape of a child. So, when I  frantically gobble a whole bag of you in 45 seconds while waiting in line at Walgreens — which I do with shameful frequency — I don’t feel particularly good physically or mentally. Taste, as it turns out, is far more powerful a motivator than morality,  guilt, eyesight, health, self-esteem, reason or shame.

Milk Duds
There’s a Milk Dud stuck in my back molar that’s old enough to vote. You are the Polident of candy. There’re a few gastronomical feats that continue to elude me:  freeing  a popcorn kernel skin from the back of my throat, and exorcizing a Milk Dud remnant from a tooth. I know this is mostly a result of caramel, but somehow, adding cheap milk chocolate to the mix creates a sealant strong enough for masonry and possibly even grouting.

Hi y’all, I’m just hanging out here at the movie theater in case you ever wanted to eat Lemon Pledge. Let me know, K?

Nerds (Classic and Nerds Rope)
Great taste. Two huge strikes on size and shape though guys. Classic nerds are way too small. I want to enjoy some artificial sweetness, not pan for gold.  My only other Nerds option is rope? ” I don’t like the idea that I could hang myself with candy. Here’s something delicious that can also be used as a lasso! You should have tried “Nerd Nuggets” or maybe “Nerd Tots” first.

Almond Joy and Mounds
“Almond Joy’s Got Nuts. Mounds Don’t.” NICE GRAMMAR!  So you’re focusing on the illiterate river people demographic? I’m not clear on who you’re trying to target here.  Maybe it’s the “folksy midwestern” audience? Bad news;  they make their own candy, and it’s called Meth. You better put an ad in the New Yorker to balance things out. Also, the name differentiation shows that you clearly favor Almond Joy. Are you actively trying to discourage people from eating the nutless version? “You can have this one that’s full of joy, or, if you hate yourself and the world, you can ingest something we’ve named “MOUNDS.”

If you’re supposed to taste like a milk fart, congrats. You nailed it.

Pixie Stix
Maybe it’s me, but I find it extremely difficult to resist dumping you out and snorting you.  It’s disturbing that you’ve made no effort to disguise the fact that you’re pure sugar. “Let’s make Angel Dust for children! We’ll package it like prison contraband!” Diabetes thanks you, Pixie Stix. As does my mouthful of poisonous metal fillings and brain lesions.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

18 comments On And Then There Was Candy

  • Another folksy midwesterner here who loved, "They make their own candy, it's called Meth." Before we had meth, we had Pixie Stix. Do not, I REPEAT, DO NOT snort Pixie Stix. The worst pain of my life. Did you see when Steve-O on "Jackass" snorted the wasabe and then immediately screamed and vomited copiously, saying it hurt more than any other stunt he'd ever done? Yeah, like that.

  • as a "folksy midwesterner" i was cracking up at the almond joy/mounds paragraph–mounds sounds kinda like piles, which is an old name for hemmerhoids-awesome name for some candy

  • I am so happy that the descriptions of edibles have returned! Brilliant.

  • I almost died reading the Milk Duds one. I finally came to my senses a few years back and stopped eating them. Getting those out of your teeth is IMPOSSIBLE. They should use them to earthquake retrofit the buildings here in California. Of course then someone would have to chew them all up first. Although I'm sure they could come up with some sort of "chewing and creating fake saliva" machine. It IS 2012 after all.

    The only candy I eat is peanut M&M's. I love those bastards.

    • I agree about the Milk Duds, but they're so good! Peanut M&Ms have special place in my heart, but nothing is as dear to me as a king size Kit Kat! Pure heaven! :o)

  • My favorite is to eat the super hot tamales with popcorn in your mouth…it makes cinnamon popcorn! So good!

    • You, madam, are a genius. I'm going to try this tonight.

      • My favorite thing to do at the movies is combine popcorn and Milk Duds! Like eating caramel corn, but extremely hazardous to fillings. Milk Duds and peanuts are also good together, but I actually broke a tooth once eating that combo. So be warned.

        Maybe I'll try the Hot Tamales approach next time…

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