Day 363: The Cat Hunter

by Jason Good on January 5, 2012

in 365°,Parenting and Kids

The house cat’s only natural predator is a 2-year old boy. Our feline (Oliver) cannot rest for fear of being sat upon or aggressively preened. He’s subjected to various kinds of aural and physical torture; not for information, but something far more frightening: thrills. Imagine you’ve been taken hostage, and while treated well by the majority of your captors, one of their son’s appears to have gone rogue, ignoring the pleas of his superiors by consistently abusing you for his own pleasure.

There’s nothing Arlo wants from Oliver; no key to a safety deposit box or vig on an outstanding gambling debt.  His only desire is to watch Oliver scramble to safety, which the cat tends to do only after Arlo has violated numerous articles of the Geneva Convention.

I have to admit, that by failing to defend himself, Oliver is a little complicit. We have two other cats who’ve managed to completely avoid the interrogation techniques of our sadistic prince.

Arlo’s predatory method is unique in the animal kingdom. He sneaks-up on his prey, usually while it’s sleeping, unleashes a reptilian shriek to stun it, then throws himself on top, like a heavyweight wrester attempting to pin a much lighter opponent. The cat always stays down for a three count, and though he might squirm a little, does so only to get more physically comfortable in a situation he understands is potentially life threatening, but also kinda cozy.

When he’s feeling particularly playful, the young prince will approach passed-out Oliver, and attempt to remove his fur with a flurry of manic staccato grasps.  If it weren’t for his prey being declawed, I’m sure Arlo’s face would have more scratches than my Licensed to Ill CD. Instead, he receives a soft batting on the cheek and a playful nip on the arm – hardly enough to discourage future attempts.

Maybe Arlo and Oliver have their own thing going. The bond between human and animal can be complex, and it’s possible I’ve simply been socialized to the point where I can no longer understand the primal nature of a relationship between toddler and cat. I think from now on, I’ll tell guests, “Oh no, they’re just playing,” and hope I’m right. Sorry, Oliver.

  • Jacqui

    My eldest was 2 when we first got a cat (then rescued after unfortunately being dumped at 5 weeks old). Suffice to say that the relationship was strained. My son is now 4.5 and deeply loves the cat, while the cat suspiciously puts up with my son.

    It has taken a long time to get the cat from going into automatic scratch protection whenever my son comes near into now accepting that he’s older and wiser and now understands gentle play, he just wants to pat!! He has so much love to give now. (But mostly just contents himself with speaking to the cat from across the room “look, Puss, I got a new book! Hey Puss, look at this!”)

    That said, my youngest is now 1.5 and the cat will accept just about any form of physical torture (to a certain limit, but i usually intervene before it gets too bad) from him.

    The way I see it, the cat sees Mr. 4.5 as an equal and treats him accordingly, but he sees Mr. 1.5 as a baby and endures him as such.

  • robyn

    This is such a great site. My daughter who is almost 2 thinks our very old cat “Bailey” is her own personal “bebe”. Reagan (my daughter) is always shoving a paci in her face, brushing her skin violently or trying to put her in her doll highchair. We have 2 other cats that are now basement dwellers unless my daughter is sleeping. Our pit bull daisy is not immune from this torture. Reagan believes that daisy is a portable jungle gym. Sometimes Iook at daisy and her eyes scream pleaseeeee mom just let me on the kitchen (the animal fortress) where baby gates protect the animals like some kind of endangerd species list. Little do they know Chase our 8 month old started crawling today so nobody is safe from this tag team duo.

  • Stephanie

    Our two year old has found an almost daily pleasure in smooshing our cat. Since the cat has claws, I figure they can work it out amongst themselves. The dog on the other hand has decided a life of solitude on the back deck is preferable to the squeals and hair pulling of a toddler.

  • Ruth

    You might consider showing Arlo this “Cat Safety Propaganda” video: http://youtu.be/EYM-B9jAflM
    (P.S. it’s hilarious)

    • Lori

      One of my favorite things about this blog is the comments.

  • http://flyrishfoibles.com Micheline

    Oh, how I relate. Our cat is “clinically stressed” from our 3 year old’s antics and has taken to peeing on every door and heater vent in our home. We even had him on anti-anxiety meds for a while, but they did nothing. I think the two of them are secretly in cahoots to drive us crazy.

  • Stacey

    Also, the year my sister was 9, she slept on the new couch every single night. And the cat would sleep with her. Every morning we’d find the cat UNDER my sister’s sleeping body with just his head sticking out. The first time I ran to rescue my surely dying cat and I found him purring. Now my husband has stolen this cat and he lives with us and sleeps under my husband. The cat takes swaddling to the extreme.

  • Stacey

    I laughed while reading this wonderful post, but I DIED while reading your conversation with Mary! Get your hobgoblin under control! Lol

  • Veronica

    Ignoring all the stuff below…this post could describe my 16-year-old sister and our giant standard poodle, but her torture is more of the psychological let’s-dress-him-up-in-ballerina-onesie-pajamas-and-force-him-to-have-tea-parties kind.

    We also call him the Gumby dog because he’s so pathetically resigned to staying in whatever position we put him in. I can’t tell you how many pictures I have of him sitting in a chair posed like a human just looking sad. You know, dog, you COULD just jump off the chair…

  • Teena

    The exchange between Jason and Mary would make a hilarious Xtranormal video.

  • Liza

    When we got our cat (Obie) my daughter, Anna, had just turned 3. She would torture him much like Arlo plays with Oliver. What was amazing to me was how after all the dust had settled i.e. he sensed her in a mellow mood or she was asleep he would seek her out, nudge her, rub on her, groom her (he liked her socks) and then if she was sleeping nap with her. It was actually very sweet. Sadly we had to give him away to a new home because her little brother developed cat allergies. It was the saddest day for Anna and possibly the happiest day for Obie.

  • Erica

    Taunting the cat is actually a time-honored tradition and a necessity for human survival. I’m pretty sure this is a defense mechanism we developed to prevent cats from taking over the world. In my family, we all participate. Dad’s the worst/best at this in my family. So, Arlo is actually just following human instinct here.

    (Note: no cats or people were harmed in the making of this post.)

  • Amie

    Wow…you’re accused of being an unfit parent AND a bad pet owner all in one post. I think you’ve hit the big time!

    • Kayla

      maybe there should be some time of quiz to be allowed on your site. something that determines the ability to understand sarcasm, wit, and an understanding of sometimes unruly children and the difficulties in parenting….or put comedian in bold letters on your home page :P
      P.S. The majority of us can tell from all your blogs that your household is completely filled with love, care, and fun!

  • http://Www.shihtzustaff.wordpress.com Shihtzustaff

    I am far more concerned about the poor declawed cat! He can’t defend himself properly. Did you have the cat declawed ( which is really a euphemism for amputation of the first joint of each of the cat’s toes)!

    • http://www.jasongood.net Jason Good

      Oliver is one of the happiest coolest cats I’ve ever had. No need to worry about him. We are great parents and even better pet owners.

  • http://realmountainvalues.com Brianna @ RMV

    *blithely ignoring the above patter*

    Text messages sent between me and my husband last weekend:

    Brianna: So McClain has learned to chase the cats.
    Patrick (who has an old phone with no keyboard): Oh
    Brianna: Yeah it’s like a circus maximus b/c I have the bedroom doors closed for the cold
    Patrick: Awesome
    Brianna: Should I intervene?
    Patrick: Cats need exercise or can hide behind TV

    Our personal opinion indoor cats need “diversions”, two year olds qualify as that. Plus he took a great nap after all that running around.

  • Diane

    Re Mary,
    As my daughter says to me, when I question her or her sister’s questionable decisions, after 30 years of questionable decisions:
    “ARE YOU NEW???”

    • Mary

      Am I new to what? Parenting? This blog? Let me know what you’re referring to & I will gladly explain my position. I’m an open book…willing to share what ever you would like to know =}

      • Diane

        The blog.

  • Bob

    Yup. Our 2.75 year old and our younger cat have the exact same relationship. Our older cat has learned to be invisible when our daughter is awake. I _think_ that the younger cat views young daughter as a possible source of things strewn on the ground to play with and so is worth the moments of torture in the hopes that something interesting will appear at some future time. Today, my wife taught said daughter the fun of teasing a cat with a string and with a flashlight on the wall. I need to go apologize to the cat – and suggest, again, that it get together with the older cat to learn the ancient secrets of being invisible.

  • Jen

    I have a three year old boy and as a test run for potential pet readiness we cat-sat for a week this summer. Let’s just say, if I had a dollar for every time I said “leave the cat alone!” or “be gentle!” I’d be retired on a tropical island right now. Clearly Mary is a ‘far superior human being’. I’ll stick with ‘adequate human being with a sense of humor’.

  • Becky

    Our cats are like that too. Three of them avoid our 2-yr old son almost completely, but one- who must have drawn the short straw- turns into a Schmoo and allows himself to be carried, hugged and endures 10-minute-long sessions of pats on the head while being told “Good boy. Good boy.” From this side of the room it looks like a form of Chinese water torture, but they never hurt each other, and seem to have a mutual understanding. It’s a shame Jane Goodall isn’t here to observe it.

  • Mary

    Wow. Why don’t you reprimand the child? Teach the boy that his actions are inappropriate, as well as the concept of ‘nice touches’?

    • http://jasongood.net Jason Good

      Gee thanks, Mary. We never thought of that!

      • Maggie

        This made me laugh the hardest!!

        • Beth

          me, too….:-) If only it was that simple!

          • Mary

            It IS that simple. It worked with my children on pets, as well as babies. I feel sorry for your cat being abused & you allowing it to go on. I hope you try it consistently for the sake of Oliver. =)

            • Beth

              good for you.

        • Sarah

          I agree! lol

      • Chrystal

        hahahaha.

    • Candace

      Holy Crap woman! Have you not read ANY of his other posts?! geez…read before you impose your parenting opinion on a complete stranger

    • SuperBonBon

      You DO realize he’s a comedian, right?

  • http://the-pish-posh-blogspot.com Pish Posh

    I think the cat-baby love needs its own hour on National Geographic. Our cats (and dogs) will half-heartedly nip or paw sometimes but mostly there’s a simple look of “love” (aka total and utter defeat and resignation) on their face that says “Yea, so this is happening” in a sort of despondent way like the burnt out pre-school teacher. These cats are smart, they figure they’ll just wait it out. Kind of like your technique with the kids banging pots :)

    Will you keep writing in a few days when you reach 365? Can you be “Jason Good Every Couple of Days”? Early congratulations on making it this year!

    • Mary

      Actually I’ve read many of his posts. He says he doesn’t discipline his children & let’s them run the household. I’m going to attempt to help him in parenting techniques because I’ve read enough of his posts to know he needs advice from someone with degrees in early childhood psychology, as well as a mother of 5 that has a ton more experience in parenting. I’m just trying to be helpful because he admits himself he needs help in this area. My sincerest apologies for trying to help him. From the way he talks, he needs advice on how to discipline (because he self admittedly stated on more than one occasion that he doesn’t discipline them & that scares me. When they’re teenagers, they will have no respect for him & hhe will wish he laid the foundation now. I’m just trying to offer some friendly advice from one parent to another. I love his blog & enjoy the way he writes. Again, sorry to offend everyone with trying to offer a little friendly advice in an area he states he lacks in, therefore causes him to live a life being controlled by his children instead of him being in charge of his life. Instead of taking offense, I think you all need to take a step back & realize I’m just trying to help him before his whole life gets turned even more chaotic because he chooses to not discipline his handsome little boys. Have a blessed night, y’all!!

      • http://www.jasongood.net Jason Good

        Mary,

        I hope you also have a bless-ed night and rest peacefully knowing that our cat, Oliver, is safe from the demonic hobgoblin that is our criminally undisciplined son. To someone of your experience, it must seem as if our young boy’s been raised by jackles who’ve simply been too busy raiding dumpsters to teach him about “nice touching.”

        I hope someday to fully appreciate the wisdom you’ve graciously shared. You seem to succeed so effortlessly in keeping your nearly half dozen children in order. Considering we fail so miserably having only two, it’s no wonder you see us as parenting rubes and fear for our futures.

        Jason

        • Carly

          Bravo good sir, bravo!

        • Ted

          Awesome! This little transaction should slide nicely in to your routine.

          • http://www.jasongood.net Jason Good

            By the way, I adore all my readers. Even those who fail to understand sarcasm and hyperbole.

      • SuperBonBon

        Good thing Mary’s here to teach us all how to raise our children via blog comments.

        • Heather Sutherland

          I think Mary might need to spend some time in a Hyperbolic chamber (what a friend once accidentally called a Hyperbaric chamber). We throw everyone around here into ours when they are not getting the jokes.

          • SuperBonBon

            Haha too funny! :D

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