Waaaaa, I’ve gained weight. But who doesn’t throw on a nice Crisco trenchcoat between the ages of 35 and 39? Meth heads? Good point. Like most modern dudes of my ilk, I’m not doing traditional manly stuff like nation building and wench buying. Back in our heyday, we could get fat and just be the sloppy kings who spill food into our ruffles. Now self-respect, at least for me, has more to do with looking decent (which is honestly the best I can do) than the size of the blonde babe’s rack on the back of my motorcycle. I’m not saying that doesn’t matter, but Lindsay has brown hair, and I don’t have a motorcycle because they’re super dangerous you guys!

When my parents were here over the holidays, my dad introduced us to juicing (you can read about that here), but he also made steaks, pasta, and various other mounds of stuff which we all jammed into our chewers. Does anyone else have the brain malfunction that causes them not to know when they’re full from pasta? It’s like I have Prader Willi Syndrome, but only for penne.

The benefits of juicing only come if you aren’t also eating bags of cookies, coffee cakes, and 11pm triple decker PB&Js.  Basically, I was pouring juice onto a giant pile of starch that was already filling my stomach. “Here, pile of stuff, have some celery water.” I wasn’t feeling healthier, or losing weight. I also didn’t have that mental clarity they say comes from juicing, but that might be the type 8 Diabetes I was developing. I’m not a fat pig, but I felt like one. Let me put it this way: When I land after jumping (which I do rarely), there’s a slight rippling effect. I need to get rid of that because, well, like I said, I don’t have a motorcycle, an axe, wenches or a business card that reads “Executive Vice President.”

Lindsay and I are taking the juicing seriously now by not combining it with pastrami sandwiches. I didn’t anticipate how hard it would be with so much amazing kids’ food around all the time. Last night, I wanted to steal Silas’ mac & cheese and run down the street eating it so no one could stop me. Dieting before included ridding the house of bad foods, but if we throw away the Pirate Booty, Arlo has nothing to eat (he loves Pirate Booty, and yes, we give him apples and other stuff like apples.)

After everyone’s gone to bed, I’m left with Netflix and a pantry full of gummy bears, crackers, and chocolate cookies in the shape of bunnies. It’s like an immunity challenge on The Biggest Loser and I’m faced with choosing between a commitment I made to myself, and the immediate gratification of sugary things made by evil corporations to manipulate the pleasure centers in our brain. I stand there in my slippers with a remote control in one hand and an apple in the other, staring at the cheese curls, cursing them with my eyes.

By the way, all this “junk” we have is from Whole Foods, so we’re still great parents.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

30 comments On Cleanse

  • I've been thinking of doing a short-term juice cleanse. But I lack a juicer. How much do I have to invest in a project that I don't want to commit to long-term?

    • The juicer is expensive (Dad bought it for us). The fruit and veggies are cheap, but the whole ordeal takes a long ass time. Then you have to clean the thing. You gotta really want it, man.

  • You are fantastic. Everyone whines about their weight and new ideas for how to shed it at this time of year but your post actually has a unique take on it. And made me laugh! Rock on Jason.

  • I feel for you. I have the world's worst metabolism so I diary my food intake 5 days a week to stay under 1600 calories, and work out for an hour four of those days. I say my weekends are "free." But I am still pretty thoughtful about what I eat. Still, that is the time where if I want a burger or dessert, I do it. This allows me to maintain my body that is overweight. I lose weight if I go down to 1200 a day and work out every day, but I'm not willing to do that. So chub it is. I am really healthy so the weight is something I'm just learning to live with.

  • I think I little jiggle is attractive on a woman right? But only if its jiggle not ripple. I'm starting to notice parts that shouldn't be jiggly are wiggling and wriggling and jiggling. So I started a "healthy diet" which mostly means I can't eat so much cheese especially not pizza at 2am. It pretty much sucks. All I think about now is cheese.

    So I've been juicing and eating nuts and berries and beans like a little squirrel monkey and that had created an interesting effect on my digestive system. Let's leave it there.

    Good luck with yours! I'm HUNGRY how about you?

    I'm committed to this but that doesn't mean I have to like it right? CHEESE.

    • Yeah, cheese is my big weakness. Can you die of a cheese overdose? If I do, I hope it’s decades down the road…

  • buy one of those big bouncy balls to do crunches on. your kids will love it! do you like cinnamon? I heard its an appetite supressant. does that mean we should all eat lots of cinnamon rolls?

    • I heard that cinnamon helps too.

      But that makes me want a cinnamon roll. Spicy food is supposed to help too but if all I eat is spicy food and fruit we're gonna have problems.

      Also, when you're trying to be healthy doesn't it seem like you notice food more? It seems like people just happen to be eating 10 times more peanut brittle in front of me.

      • Cinnamom Puffins cereal is a great snack. It's actually pretty good for you too. Low calorie, low fat, sweet and crunchy enough to satisfy my snack cravings.

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