Cleanse

Waaaaa, I’ve gained weight. But who doesn’t throw on a nice Crisco trenchcoat between the ages of 35 and 39? Meth heads? Good point. Like most modern dudes of my ilk, I’m not doing traditional manly stuff like nation building and wench buying. Back in our heyday, we could get fat and just be the sloppy kings who spill food into our ruffles. Now self-respect, at least for me, has more to do with looking decent (which is honestly the best I can do) than the size of the blonde babe’s rack on the back of my motorcycle. I’m not saying that doesn’t matter, but Lindsay has brown hair, and I don’t have a motorcycle because they’re super dangerous you guys!

When my parents were here over the holidays, my dad introduced us to juicing (you can read about that here), but he also made steaks, pasta, and various other mounds of stuff which we all jammed into our chewers. Does anyone else have the brain malfunction that causes them not to know when they’re full from pasta? It’s like I have Prader Willi Syndrome, but only for penne.

The benefits of juicing only come if you aren’t also eating bags of cookies, coffee cakes, and 11pm triple decker PB&Js.  Basically, I was pouring juice onto a giant pile of starch that was already filling my stomach. “Here, pile of stuff, have some celery water.” I wasn’t feeling healthier, or losing weight. I also didn’t have that mental clarity they say comes from juicing, but that might be the type 8 Diabetes I was developing. I’m not a fat pig, but I felt like one. Let me put it this way: When I land after jumping (which I do rarely), there’s a slight rippling effect. I need to get rid of that because, well, like I said, I don’t have a motorcycle, an axe, wenches or a business card that reads “Executive Vice President.”

Lindsay and I are taking the juicing seriously now by not combining it with pastrami sandwiches. I didn’t anticipate how hard it would be with so much amazing kids’ food around all the time. Last night, I wanted to steal Silas’ mac & cheese and run down the street eating it so no one could stop me. Dieting before included ridding the house of bad foods, but if we throw away the Pirate Booty, Arlo has nothing to eat (he loves Pirate Booty, and yes, we give him apples and other stuff like apples.)

After everyone’s gone to bed, I’m left with Netflix and a pantry full of gummy bears, crackers, and chocolate cookies in the shape of bunnies. It’s like an immunity challenge on The Biggest Loser and I’m faced with choosing between a commitment I made to myself, and the immediate gratification of sugary things made by evil corporations to manipulate the pleasure centers in our brain. I stand there in my slippers with a remote control in one hand and an apple in the other, staring at the cheese curls, cursing them with my eyes.

By the way, all this “junk” we have is from Whole Foods, so we’re still great parents.

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kaye Draper says:

Oh man, I just found this blog. You are killing me! So glad to know I'm not alone on…well pretty much all of the points above. I love your sense of humor!

Sarah says:

You seem like a fairly plugged-in fella…you could always google image search a random disgusting thing when hunger strikes. And if you can still eat it after viewing the first page results for "pustules", then it was meant to be.

Rachel says:

I too have joined the diet club, but i choose to think of it in terms of making good lifestyle choices, like not smoking or riding a motorcycle drunk without a helmet. Also my vanity is a huge factor as i miss feeling cute. As part of this i have switched to vanilla almond milk. Somehow it makes me feel like i am having dessert, especially when poured over cinnamon life. My 3 year old is also on the almond milk bandwagon. For some reason he thinks it is milk with protien powder. We use to spike his bottle with protien powder as he was/is a horrible eater & now he actually likes protein powder. Since we have run out of the protien powder i have taken to giving him half milk & half almond milk and the boy doesn't know the difference!

Abigail says:

You know, I feel so much better as a mother, because Arlo only eats Pirate Booty and apples. My older son lives primarily on peanut butter crackers (not a healthy version, those horrible orange ones that come in packages at the gas station) and chocolate milk. But peanut butter is a protein, right? Right? I'm going to keep telling myself that.

Becky says:

My 2-yr old son chiefly survives on pepperoni pizza and Goldfish crackers. I'm starting to realize he's not the only one…

Christina says:

My 3 yr old eats granola bars. Oh, and shark cheese crackers from Aldi's. I tried to interest him in pop-tarts to vary his lack of nutrients…it didnt work.

Cara U says:

My 3 yr old lives on chicken nuggets and cereal bars. Thanks to the rest of you for coming clean.

Jenna says:

My son lives off of mainly cheese and crackers,yogurt, fruit chewies, toast and chocolate milk, which he calls “milk-a-shake”. I swear I prepare and offer him healthy meals and healthy snacks, but he refuses to eat them, and I can’t stand to send him to bed at night without SOMETHING in his little belly, so I usually end up letting him have more cheese and crackers and a “milk-a-shake” even though he wouldn’t touch the perfectly yummy and healthy dinner I offered him, which sat on the table for an hour, after he tentatively poked it like it was an alien life form. Thanks for making me feel less alone in this struggle lol.

A random Dad says:

I'm certainly fighting this issue myself, especially since our first one was born 23 months ago, but I've found one sentence has greatly improved my willpower.

"Fat dads have fat kids."

I'm not strong enough to get fit for myself, but I just might be strong enough to get fit for my little one.

Staring at the baked goods at Starbucks while getting my morning coffee? "Fat dads have fat kids". Looking at the candy machine when the 3pm grumble hits? "Fat dads have fat kids".

It's not foolproof (given that I'm the fool in question), but it's worked better than anything I've tried so far. 35 lbs down so far.

Katie Carr says:

Awesome! I need to try that.

Rob A. says:

35 lbs! Congrats!

Ali says:

Sugar-free marshmallows. Also double up as rewards for a poo in the loo (I'm English!). So you can treat yourself and the kids and everyone's happy. If you like marshmallows of course.

PS Am assuming only the kids need the reward thing…..

Stacey says:

It's 1:30 am. Just finished nursing my 2 month old. Going to go make cinnamon rolls. Thanks people!

lOWEU says:

Laughter is good medicine, this is a fact. Keep on making us laugh!

You are funny!

Rebecca (different f says:

Weight gain/loss is ALL about your body's insulin production, which is directly related to your blood sugar level. What this means is:

Concentrate more on your carb/sugar intake than calories/fat. It's FAT that keeps you from feeling hungry. A reasonable amount at each meal will help you.

Olive oil is a miracle food. Eat it every day. It actually helps lower your bad cholesterol.

Just switching to sugar free, and no sugar added, products will be an enormous help. Especially if you have an enormous sweet tooth, like I do. I guess you know to stay away from aspartame, that shit's poison. And, unfortunately, the decent stuff is mostly made with maltitol – which is healthy, but will probably give you gas. I find stuff made with Splenda is okay.

No carbs after lunch, and nothing at all after around 6:30 p.m. – sounds like this one will be tough for you, it's tough for me too. I try to eat most of my daily fat intake at dinner, just for this reason.

Still, I am lucky that the two people I share a household with are being cooperative, because I have no fuckiing willpower whatsoever. I will eat entire boxes of cereal or cartons of ice cream. At Thanksgiving, I ate most of two whole pies all by myself. So if you can manage any progress at all with kiddie food in your house, you deserve all the praise in the world, as far as I'm concerned.

Wishing you the very best of luck!!!

Jason Good says:

Thanks Rebecca. I've been stuffing my stupid mouth with almonds all evening

Amber Jager says:

My favorite sentence: "It’s like an immunity challenge on The Biggest Loser and I’m faced with choosing between a commitment I made to myself, and the immediate gratification of sugary things made by evil corporations to manipulate the pleasure centers in our brain." Thanks for the laugh!

Misty says:

Damnit Jason, you just made me go eat a package of bunny fruit snacks in the bathroom so my kids wouldn't see.

Jody says:

Y'all finished that pastrami then?

I've been thinking of doing a short-term juice cleanse. But I lack a juicer. How much do I have to invest in a project that I don't want to commit to long-term?

Jason Good says:

The juicer is expensive (Dad bought it for us). The fruit and veggies are cheap, but the whole ordeal takes a long ass time. Then you have to clean the thing. You gotta really want it, man.

If there's one thing I have less of than money, it's time. That sentence made no sense. But I think its meaning gets through.

Maybe I'll just go vegan for a weekend.

adequatemom says:

You are fantastic. Everyone whines about their weight and new ideas for how to shed it at this time of year but your post actually has a unique take on it. And made me laugh! Rock on Jason.

Melanie says:

I feel for you. I have the world's worst metabolism so I diary my food intake 5 days a week to stay under 1600 calories, and work out for an hour four of those days. I say my weekends are "free." But I am still pretty thoughtful about what I eat. Still, that is the time where if I want a burger or dessert, I do it. This allows me to maintain my body that is overweight. I lose weight if I go down to 1200 a day and work out every day, but I'm not willing to do that. So chub it is. I am really healthy so the weight is something I'm just learning to live with.

Pish Posh says:

I think I little jiggle is attractive on a woman right? But only if its jiggle not ripple. I'm starting to notice parts that shouldn't be jiggly are wiggling and wriggling and jiggling. So I started a "healthy diet" which mostly means I can't eat so much cheese especially not pizza at 2am. It pretty much sucks. All I think about now is cheese.

So I've been juicing and eating nuts and berries and beans like a little squirrel monkey and that had created an interesting effect on my digestive system. Let's leave it there.

Good luck with yours! I'm HUNGRY how about you?

I'm committed to this but that doesn't mean I have to like it right? CHEESE.

Rob A. says:

Yeah, cheese is my big weakness. Can you die of a cheese overdose? If I do, I hope it’s decades down the road…

Kayla says:

buy one of those big bouncy balls to do crunches on. your kids will love it! do you like cinnamon? I heard its an appetite supressant. does that mean we should all eat lots of cinnamon rolls?

Pish Posh says:

I heard that cinnamon helps too.

But that makes me want a cinnamon roll. Spicy food is supposed to help too but if all I eat is spicy food and fruit we're gonna have problems.

Also, when you're trying to be healthy doesn't it seem like you notice food more? It seems like people just happen to be eating 10 times more peanut brittle in front of me.

Angela C says:

Cinnamom Puffins cereal is a great snack. It's actually pretty good for you too. Low calorie, low fat, sweet and crunchy enough to satisfy my snack cravings.