Except for my Dad, we all have colds. It’s a big snotty mess over here, and Arlo’s face looks like a 3-day-old glazed doughnut. Lindsay has always been able to ignore sicknesses, and do what has to be done, but my mom and I prefer to wallow in it, snorting and comparing symptoms. Bonding over misery has been a pillar of our relationship for two decades.
Me: Is yours mostly in your head? Because mine is mostly sinus related, but there’s also some dry coughing. The itch is deep in my chest too, so it’s not like cough drops will help. I have to tilt my head back at a certain angle to make my cough productive.
Mom: Oh, you poor thing. I think the eucalyptus you put in my humidifier last night helped though. Are you taking Advil for the aches and pains like me? I find that regular cold medicine just dries me out and makes me too tired. My ears are all clogged up too.
Me: I hate that! If feels like you’re underwater.
Mom: My head is so congested. I didn’t know there was so much empty space up there available to be filled with snot and what-not.
Me: You have “what-not” filling your head?
Much like her father, my mom has a hair-trigger laugh and loves to play along with absurdity.
Mom: Yes, my head is completely full of what-not.
Me: What is what-not exactly?
Mom: I think it’s anything that isn’t something.
Me: Right. Ugh, I feel so crappy and tired.
Mom: Awe .. You should just rest. Lindsay, how are you feeling?
Lindsay: Pretty sick, but you know, whatever.
My father has a new HP Touchpad I got him for Christmas, so he’s holed up in his room on a manic app purchasing binge.
Dad: JACE! I got the thing that does the thing when you’re at the … wait., I’m not sure what I just bought. Oh, I forgot to make the juice this morning. I think drinking all these juices is what’s kept me from getting this cold you all have. You should go to the gym and just sit in the steam room until you sweat it out.
Me: If that worked, they would have steam rooms in doctor’s offices.
Dad: There’s no money in steam rooms. The money is all in medicine. You think they really want to cure you of something naturally when they can prescribe you a pill made by a pharmaceutical company that gives them kick backs?
Me: I’m not going to the steam room.
Dad: Suit yourself. Here’s your juice.
Me: Did you put celery in it?
Dad: Yes, but it’s not the celery you don’t like, it’s the kale. Trust me.
Me: I know what celery tastes like.
Dad: Celery doesn’t have much taste. It’s not supposed to taste good anyway. Just hold your breath while you drink it.
Me: Should I drink it in the steam room?
Dad: That’s not a bad idea.
Me: I was kidding.
Dad: I know.
Lindsay: (From the other room) You can’t go to the gym right now, guys, we’re all taking the kids to the play space.
And it’s not even 9 o-clock in the morning yet.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Women have to ignore sickness and ” you know, whatever” it because for some reason that’s expected of us .. not to mention if ALL members of the family were pathetic, lazy messes when sick, NOTHING would get done. Life as you know it, would come to a screeching halt and that would just make it worse ..
Plus guys .. well they’re just man-babies in a large body, and having a ‘mommy’ there to comfort and take pity on you ..
I could go on and on , haha
why did you get him an HP touchpad instead of a iPad? Aren’t “i” products your thing.
As the wife of a man who will give me a constant play by play on symptoms and their status whenever he has the least bit of a cold (although otherwise a perfectly fine husband and father) – I hope you’re feeling better. For Lindsay’s sake.
I envy the glazed doughnut description for its writerliness.. Hope you feel better, we’re all dying over here too. I cannot possibly drink more juice or eat more soup. I want someone to bring me a pizza and a beer.
2nd dad line thats by not my right
yes.. thanks