Arlo (2) won’t stop pressing his body up against the fireplace doors. Last week I wrote that maybe the best solution was to wait until the fire taught him a lesson, but after days of experimenting, it appears the fire doesn’t get hot enough to provide any pain schoolin’. With all other options pouting in defeat, I broke my anti-timeout campaign promise and put him in the front vestibule for 15 seconds anytime he touched it.
Instead of giving me any indication that he understood the concept of punishment or consequence, he stood on the other side of the glass door staring at me and smiling, as if being sequestered to a cold part of the house where we keep the shoes is totally neat. I walked away, pretending to forget he was in there, only to return to his excited, adorable, and semi-manic grin.
I counted to 15 loudly, but with each number he became more and more pumped-up. By the time I’d gotten to 12, he was jumping and shrieking. I opened the door, and he stayed there like a dog waiting for someone to throw the tennis ball again.
How can I not laugh and snatch him up for a big squeeze? “Please don’t touch the fireplace doors, little man. Actually, just go ahead and do whatever you want. You’re goddamn adorable. Never change.”
What was intended as behavior modification, has been co-opted into a fun multi-staged game. He runs and presses himself against the fireplace, I snatch him up and put him in his tiny prison cell, where I stare at him disapprovingly until he smiles enough that I realize it isn’t working and let him out. He runs to the fireplace, I snatch him up, throw him in prison, he smiles, and we both start laughing. Put another mark in the loss column for me, but do it in pencil, because defeat is kind of hilarious, and before long, he’ll be grown-up and I’ll consider having fun with him to be a victory.
I think he enjoys this discipline because I’ve never, in his entire life, done anything to intentionally cause him discomfort. In his mind, then, any situation I foist on him must be for his enjoyment. “Well, this seems sucky, but I’m sure it’s supposed to be fun, so I’ll just shake it out and connect with the sweet reggae jams of the shoe room.”
It’s also possible that he’s prematurely shrewd, and understands he’s being punished, but with a chart-topping emotional IQ, knows the easiest way to get paroled is by portraying himself as an adorably naive cherub. There’s a possibility, then, that I’m attempting to discipline a human being who is more evolved and smarter than I. My 2 year old son has identified my weaknesses and routinely exploits them for his own gain. That might be my position as a father right now. It makes me proud, and a little frightened.
Perhaps he’s simply the most positive person on earth. You know the woman at the Yoga studio who hugs you and tells you what color your spirit is that day? He’s even happier than her. He has moments (that I’ve already shared) when he throws himself face down on the ground and screams, but those rarely last for more than thirty seconds before he hops up and shoots us a wry smile as his tears make a futile attempt to climb his bulbous cheeks.
The other explanation is that he’s 2 years old and his behavior is enigmatic to us because he’s unadulterated, innocent, and pure. Why break that spirit prematurely? Isn’t that what school’s for?
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
I have time outs for my eldest, but they’re only on his very worst moments and I only began implementing them when he was over three. I don’t even bother for Mr. 1.5
Maybe I’m lucky (maybe I’m jinxing myself and the youngest has yet to reveal his inner rebel and next week I’ll be tearing out my hair whilst tying him to his cot), but generally a few stern voiced words will work for me, sometimes the physical removal of him (and/or the element of trouble/danger) works. If not, there’s always the “I don’t want to be around boys who act like that. Go away” method.
Kids HATE being told you don’t want them around. (Um, wow, it sounds bad when I put it like that.) I hasten to add that before I get there, I make sure they know what they’re doing wrong and that I fully and absolutely want them around when they’re being nice. They usually stop it, we cuddle, and move onto something new.
I ADORE your blog. I just found it through a friend and I am so happy you will keep at it.
I have a… crap how old is he? 16 months. This month thing screws with me. Anyway, you have helped me to see the humor in everyday life. After months of postpartum and just being way too damn serious, I am starting to lighten up a bit… You make it even easier as I laugh so hard my chairs squeaks to cause even more silliness in my heart. Thank you!
My best friend Sharon Pavon; who is also a writer and used to own a daycare center, doesn’t say terrible two’s, she calls it “Schizophrenic two’s”
When my first born was two years old we began time out in a kid chair facing the wall. The first few times we tried he didnt know what to think of this new situation. Then he pulled a rope-a-dope on me and told me that he “likes timeout and wants to stay there forever”. I was speechless. The student was now the teacher. He is now a tween and maybe has a future in politics. Wish me luck, I am typing this from my time out.
You. Are. Awesome. This post is awesome and will be shared by me many times.
My two year old daughter has time outs in a miniature Popasan chair. She recently discovered that she can stand up and walk while holding the chair to her butt all the while laughing maniacally. I’ve been defeated too.
My 2 year old will pull stuff like this. I haven’t yet figured out how time-outs are supposed to work (how do I get him to stay in a single place for more than 3 seconds? once he’s done screaming at being forced to stay put, assuming that is physically possible without implements of child abuse, what are the odds he’d remember why he was put there?). But yes, he goes through fits where he does stuff he isn’t supposed to do, then ignores us as we tell him to stop. We physically remove him, try to distract him, etc., but he just keeps doing it for a while.
My daycare lady has this parenting thing down. The kids all come when she calls, right away, the first time. My kid eats his ENTIRE sandwich every day while he’s there, I assume without any screaming or force-feeding. She keeps some breakable things within their reach, but they all know not to touch them. And they all love her to pieces. I want whatever she’s got. Often I’m glad he spends time there, I think he’s learning to be a better person there than at home. *sigh*
Kids are always on their worst behavior around their folks. I’m nearly 40 and it still applies to me
There are two schools of thought on time out, whether it’s punishment via a lack of attention, which toddlers crave so much, or a few minutes to chill the f*** out. I go with both. You can tell, based on the behavior, what they need from a time out. If they’re just acting a fool, they need to be ignored for a bit. If they’re throwing a tantrum, time out until they stop screaming. Either way, we put him in the high chair so he can’t escape. And it should always be the same parent who puts him in, takes him out- that way, he never gets the impression that one is the punisher and the other is the protector. We also never did that thing where they get one minute per year of their life; nobody learns their lesson in one or two minutes. Three to five works for us.
we started time outs with my daughter around 2 years old (she is 3 and some now), and i’ll never forget her just laughing at me the first 20 times I tried- it was a game to get through mommies legs. i resorted to the dog gate-is that wrong? she got the point, then we didn’t need it anymore…but i’m sure i laughed at her game many of those times-sometimes you just can’t hold it in, and why try? life is short…
I recently found your blog and I love it! Reading your entries is really a highlight to my day – you are so witty and funny, and your family sounds like the cutest thing ever!
My 2 year old puts herself in time out sometimes when she knows she’s been bad. I swear she will hit me or daddy or the doggy, and put herself in timeout…and I wonder is she thinking “totally worth it.”
I am happy to read that you will continue blogging! Thanks for sharing your year with us!
I have a 16 year-old son, and I can tell you that from when he was born, we were convinced that we were raising someone more evolved than we are!
Thank you for sharing.
Jason…I have loved reading your blog and will be bummed when it is finished. I hope you get a book deal. To me, you are the next Dave Berry. xoxox
Syd, I won’t stop blogging. I just won’t be doing it everyday. I need to carve out more time for some bigger projects. *wink*
I am totally not trying to tell you how to parent, but we hated time outs and spanking. I swear my kids learned to count to ten because of the threat of time out. What we have learned now that my oldest is almost 11 is positive reinforcement works a lot better. You get to basically ignore the bad and silly stuff you don’t reward it at all….but as soon as he stops you say thank you for not touching the fireplace doors and give him a hug. ANYTIME he isnt near it reward and praise him. It will be like the Bob the Builder song in your head for a couple days….and then magically they just stop. They also say to praise everything else they do good all the time for the first few days to get their attention. I have to say it has worked miracles for my three kiddos. We wanted our kids to be immature and innocent as long as possible….but there does come a time when you are out in public and well…you know. My kids still act crazy and rowdy, but at home. And my husband and I are still immature with them.
Yea, I can see that working for him. He definitely wants to impress us and get our attention. Thanks Kristen
There’s also a school of thought against praising kids because it creates “praise junkies” and may cause them to be approval-seeking. Anyway, I don’t know much about it, but this concept was mentioned to me by someone and I just thought I’d share. Here’s a link that talks about it: http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm
My 2 year old peeks around my legs to yell at the people behind me; “Granny! Graaaaannyyy!! I on time out! I on time out Granny!” I can hear them laughing. Punishment is hard.
Thank you. I have a 2-year-old and a 3-year-old. We use time-outs, but sometimes it feels like that’s just because we don’t agree with spanking and our only other option is allowing our children to do whatever they want even if it is to their physical detriment. I want to cherish their innocence and raw curiosity, but know that discipline is necessary. I guess I’m just glad I’m not the only one.