We’re so over-fed in this country that pockets of wierdos have started brewing sauces with the sole intention of causing oral and intestinal discomfort. Hot sauce makers compete over who can scare their customers more. It’s a redneck poetry slam where the name with the most alliteration wins. I don’t care how clever it is (not very), I’m not putting “Birmingham Butt Burner” on my eggs.
Usually we plop comfort food on top of comfort food. Sheppard’s pie is the gastronomic equivalent of a Lazy-boy recliner. It’s the opposite with hot sauce; we use that stuff to torture ourselves because we’re also a country of macho gluttons who spend Sundays in the parking lots of football stadiums combining over-eating with pain endurance. “Eat this! It hurts!” Discomfort food is uniquely American.
You like dem creamy grits, boy? Don’t be a sissy! Cover that soupy mush in some “Columbine Colon Confusion” and yer farts’ll burn a hole in yer Wranglers ‘fore half time.”
Maybe it’s more complicated than that. Ingesting hot sauce might fill a subconscious need to self-flagellate. Catholics go to confession, while others repent by ingesting chemical lava – pick your poison, I guess.
It must be a subconscious emotional balancing act of some kind. It’s physically impossible to enjoy something so terrible. Aren’t humans hard-wired to stay away from foods that do them harm? It’s the primary reason we kill animals before eating them. “I eat my chickens live, ’cause I like how they claw at the inside of my throat goin’ down,” are the words of a sick, sick man.
Try this experiment if you don’t believe me: put hot sauce on your dog’s food. He’ll never trust you with anything again. Watch him frantically lick the sofa to exorcize his tongue of the poison you tricked him into eating. Look at him. Really look at him; his big, sad, confused eyes are saying, “I thought you loved me.” He might even commit suicide just to get away from you. You think animals don’t commit suicide? Have you never seen one eat hot sauce? Ok then.
I could understand the craze if the sauces were medicinal or resulted in a thick buzz. But just the opposite is true; it’s harmful and makes you sick (on purpose). Unless you think sitting on the toilet eating sour dough bread dipped in ice water is a party, stay away from the ANALize This XXX Garlic Hot Sauce.
Yes, I realize I sound like Andy Rooney.
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