I’ve been mildly panicked over the past few days about what to get Lindsay for Christmas. Luckily, this morning, she had a gift epiphany and proclaimed,
“I love snakes! You know what? I want a snake for Christmas, but not one that can strangle me or has teeth.”
Finally, a definitive answer. The pressure’s off now. No more wandering around Anthropologie looking for something “alternative, but not bohemian grandma.” If my beautiful wife – the mother of my amazing children – wants a snake, then goddamn it, she’ll get a snake.
She appears to want a specific kind though, right? I don’t think any snakes have “teeth.” I’m pretty sure they’re called fangs, so I’m off the hook there. Maybe I’m wrong. Are there snakes with full sets of teeth that eat apples like a horse? If so, I’m getting her one because she clearly wasn’t aware it was an option. If she’d known about the existence of such snakes, she would have said, “I want a snake that can eat an apple like a horse for Christmas.” I’m fairly confident about that.
Now, about the strangling issue. There’s a fine line between hugging and strangling. Lindsay is definitely going to want hugs from her snake. I can see her wanting to walk around the house with it around her shoulders. She doesn’t want a small boring snake that just lies around on the sawdust in its tank. Lindsay likes her pets to have a lot of personality and show a good deal of affection. I need to find a really smart snake that understands the difference between embracing and suffocating. It also, of course, has to be great with kids. What breed of snake plays well with children? Is there a Labrador Retriever of the snake species?
In case anyone knows a ton about snakes, here are the qualities I’m looking for.
- Human-like teeth. Preferably not sharp enough to break skin. Obviously if there aren’t snakes like this, I’ll just go for the “fang-less option.”
- It has to be big enough to wrap around an adult, but gentle enough to understand when the adult is having trouble breathing.
- I think she would prefer a white one. She has a lot of black shirts, and a white snake would balance that out nicely.
Can’t wait to have an awesome snake around the house! Fellas, are you giving your wife what she really wants this Christmas, like I am?
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