Day 349: Christmas Present for My Wife

I’ve been mildly panicked over the past few days about what to get Lindsay for Christmas. Luckily, this morning, she had a gift epiphany and proclaimed,

“I love snakes! You know what? I want a snake for Christmas, but not one that can strangle me or has teeth.”

Finally, a definitive answer. The pressure’s off now. No more wandering around Anthropologie looking for something “alternative, but not bohemian grandma.” If my beautiful wife – the mother of my amazing children – wants a snake, then goddamn it, she’ll get a snake.

She appears to want a specific kind though, right? I don’t think any snakes have “teeth.” I’m pretty sure they’re called fangs, so I’m off the hook there. Maybe I’m wrong. Are there snakes with full sets of teeth that eat apples like a horse? If so, I’m getting her one because she clearly wasn’t aware it was an option. If she’d known about the existence of such snakes, she would have said, “I want a snake that can eat an apple like a horse for Christmas.” I’m fairly confident about that.

Now, about the strangling issue. There’s a fine line between hugging and strangling. Lindsay is definitely going to want hugs from her snake. I can see her wanting to walk around the house with it around her shoulders. She doesn’t want a small boring snake that just lies around on the sawdust in its tank. Lindsay likes her pets to have a lot of personality and show a good deal of affection. I need to find a really smart snake that understands the difference between embracing and suffocating. It also, of course, has to be great with kids. What breed of snake plays well with children? Is there a Labrador Retriever of the snake species?

In case anyone knows a ton about snakes, here are the qualities I’m looking for.

  1. Human-like teeth. Preferably not sharp enough to break skin. Obviously if there aren’t snakes like this, I’ll just go for the “fang-less option.”
  2. It has to be big enough to wrap around an adult, but gentle enough to understand when the adult is having trouble breathing.
  3. I think she would prefer a white one. She has a lot of black shirts, and a white snake would balance that out nicely.

Can’t wait to have an awesome snake around the house! Fellas, are you giving your wife what she really wants this Christmas, like I am?

Happy Holidays.


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adequatemom says:

OMG this made me laugh SO HARD. Can't wait to read the next posts and see what Lindsay thought of her Christmas gift …

CJ says:

I lived with 2 biology majors in college. One had a Bermese Python that we would let loose in the living room. Awesome snake! The feedings were not my most favorite time. We also had a turtle that ate fish, two iguannas and a TV that didn't work that well when semi's would drive by. A bonus is that my mother never came inside the house. =)

Lori says:

Wow, that is exactly how I feel when I go to Anthropologie. That, and "what is cute enough to spend $88 on when if it were at H&M it would only cost $28?". If I lived in NJ I'd drag you shopping with me.

Connor says:

That would be totally awesome!!!! Having a snake for a neighbor!!! I would totally snake sit!!! I don't think they allow snakes on planes

Tory says:

Dude, you are looking for an albino Burmese python. Trust me. One of my dad's neighbors has one named Peaches. It is awesome and Olivia wears it around whenever we visit.

Jason Good says:

Tory, Lindsay really does want a snake. I'm not sure what to do. We aren't really snake people

Lindsay says:

Tory! Thanks for the tip. Is that the kind Britney Spears wore for that one performance?

Lindsay says:

(Tory and I go way back)…hey, let's get the families together soon.

Rebecca says:

I want to believe that your wife really wants a snake for Christmas, because that would make her even MORE awesome than she already seems to be from your blog.

Monkeygirl says:

She doesn't want a snake. She was being metaphorical, in a romantic way?

LeighGM says:

Am finally caught up with this blog that has become my crack. Seriously….what am I supposed to do with my time now??

sparkygirlie says:

Maybe you can do like my husband did with my amethyst bracelet and hang it on the tree; that way it will be a REAL surprise

Amy says:

I have a snake you can have! He is a Ball Python, about 4 ft long , and very cuddly. He likes being held and laying on your neck…not constricting it. :) Let me know and he can be all yours (and your wife's).

annie says:

I wish I would've known… Could have sent ya the one I ran over with my lawn mower. Then she could have rehabilitated the snake and had an extra special bond.

Melanie says:

I just read "Whitesnake" and now I'm singing, "Is this lunch…that I'm eating…" to my cubicle neighbor. She'll thank me for it later when it's dead today 'cause everyone is out for the holiday. Sorry, that's all I got.

Jason Good says:

hahahahahaha…. Is this lunch, that I'm eating? Is this lunnnnch that I am eating nowwwwwww?

Mollie says:

Maybe a nice snakeskin bag?

Meredith says:

Jason. Are you serious? Is this some sort of new kind of sarcasm that is indistingusihable from normal sarcasm that casuse me to say "WTF, Is he being serious or pulling our legs??" I really like snakes and was prepared to answer seriously until I took a moment and said to self "self, he's gotta be kidding!"

Jason Good says:

It's a stealth sarcasm. All the kids are doing it

Meredith says:

That's what I thought!! Although the milk snake sounds quite nice. I googled it and they come in different colors and patterns that are sure to please everyone on your snake-gift-list this year!!

Kate says:

Mom? Is that you?! I'm totally getting you a milk snake for Christmas!

Mary says:

We had an albino Hungarian milk snake. It's pink, white, & black. It was great with the kids & loved to play & snuggle with the adults, as well as the children. It was only 3 months old when we bought it. I think she would appreciate that type of snake to the one you described lol Good luck!!!

Gina says:

Jenn, blahahahahaaa!!! :)

Jenn says:

I think you're looking for a feather boa.