Day 349: Christmas Present for My Wife

I’ve been mildly panicked over the past few days about what to get Lindsay for Christmas. Luckily, this morning, she had a gift epiphany and proclaimed,

“I love snakes! You know what? I want a snake for Christmas, but not one that can strangle me or has teeth.”

Finally, a definitive answer. The pressure’s off now. No more wandering around Anthropologie looking for something “alternative, but not bohemian grandma.” If my beautiful wife – the mother of my amazing children – wants a snake, then goddamn it, she’ll get a snake.

She appears to want a specific kind though, right? I don’t think any snakes have “teeth.” I’m pretty sure they’re called fangs, so I’m off the hook there. Maybe I’m wrong. Are there snakes with full sets of teeth that eat apples like a horse? If so, I’m getting her one because she clearly wasn’t aware it was an option. If she’d known about the existence of such snakes, she would have said, “I want a snake that can eat an apple like a horse for Christmas.” I’m fairly confident about that.

Now, about the strangling issue. There’s a fine line between hugging and strangling. Lindsay is definitely going to want hugs from her snake. I can see her wanting to walk around the house with it around her shoulders. She doesn’t want a small boring snake that just lies around on the sawdust in its tank. Lindsay likes her pets to have a lot of personality and show a good deal of affection. I need to find a really smart snake that understands the difference between embracing and suffocating. It also, of course, has to be great with kids. What breed of snake plays well with children? Is there a Labrador Retriever of the snake species?

In case anyone knows a ton about snakes, here are the qualities I’m looking for.

  1. Human-like teeth. Preferably not sharp enough to break skin. Obviously if there aren’t snakes like this, I’ll just go for the “fang-less option.”
  2. It has to be big enough to wrap around an adult, but gentle enough to understand when the adult is having trouble breathing.
  3. I think she would prefer a white one. She has a lot of black shirts, and a white snake would balance that out nicely.

Can’t wait to have an awesome snake around the house! Fellas, are you giving your wife what she really wants this Christmas, like I am?

Happy Holidays.


I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

29 comments On Day 349: Christmas Present for My Wife

  • Maybe a nice snakeskin bag?

  • Jason. Are you serious? Is this some sort of new kind of sarcasm that is indistingusihable from normal sarcasm that casuse me to say "WTF, Is he being serious or pulling our legs??" I really like snakes and was prepared to answer seriously until I took a moment and said to self "self, he's gotta be kidding!"

  • We had an albino Hungarian milk snake. It's pink, white, & black. It was great with the kids & loved to play & snuggle with the adults, as well as the children. It was only 3 months old when we bought it. I think she would appreciate that type of snake to the one you described lol Good luck!!!

  • Jenn, blahahahahaaa!!! :)

  • I think you're looking for a feather boa.

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