Day 333: Hair and Makeup

I’m doing a little thing on TV today. About an hour ago a barely post-tween production assistant said, “You’re Jason Good? They’re ready for you in hair and makeup.”

SUPER DUPES! Time to feel like a lady. It’s nice getting all made up so I can see what I’ll look like in my coffin.

There’s one thing more emasculating than having a woman put makeup on you, and that’s having a man put makeup on you while he’s holding a small dog. That’s not what happened; I’m just pointing out that a situation like that would be more emasculating.

I had to ask my makeup gal to stop using the powder brush because it tickled too much. I hope you grasp how I must have felt when I said, “Wow, that really tickles.” A little later, she was doing something under my eye that made me giggle. I can’t explain it, really. The pencil (I think it was a pencil) put pressure on my eyeball in some specific way that caused me to audibly utter “he he he he.” I’ve never made that sound before. I wasn’t even aware I was capable of sounding like Minnie Mouse, but  apparently, there’s a nerve in my eye that acts as a gender toggle, turning me from a mildly masculine man into a girly little rodent.

Then the hair gal said, “It looks like you’ve already done something with your hair. Is that how you’d like to keep it?” I don’t like being outed for having “done my hair.” I washed it and put some Paul Mitchell Tea Tree balm in it so …. OK, whatever, I guess I did my hair, but please try not to make me feel all weird about it.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

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