Day 326: A Dora The Explorer Book in 5 Minutes

I think it’s possible to write one of those banal Dora books in about as much time as it takes to read one: 5 minutes.

Starting the timer … now.

Dora Visits Her Homeland

Hola! I’m Dora and I’m going to visit my home country!

Mi Mami and Papi are driving. Do you like to drive with your Mami and Papi?

Can you count how many red cars I can see out my window?

Good! There are 4 red cars!

Here we are. We are at the border to my home country. This is where we will have to show our passports.

Do you know what a passport is?

That’s right! It tells people what country you are from.

Oh no, there’s Swiper. Swiper wants to take mi Papi’s passport. We have to stop him.

Can you say “Swiper no Swiping?”

Oh no. It didn’t work. Now swiper has mi Papi’s passport. We have to get it back if we want to go to my home country.

I don’t know where Swiper went. What do we use when we don’t know where to go?

That’s right. Map. Say Map!

Bueno!

Map says we have to cross the border on foot. But look at that river! How will we ever get across it?

If we had a boat we could use it to cross the river.

Oh look, there’s my cousin Diego. He has a boat, but it looks like the boat has a hole. Oh no!

We must plug the hole with crystals.

Do you know how to make crystals?

That’s right! We can make crystals if we all smile together. Can you smile with us?

Good! Now we have the crystals we need to plug the boat. Now Diego can take us across the river.

We made it! I am so happy to be back in my home country.

Oh no, here come The Federales. They want mi Papi’s passport!

Remember, Swiper has mi Papi’s passport!

Now we are in a police car. Do you like the sound of sirens?

The policeman is driving really fast! It’s fun to drive fast.

Now we are in jail. Do you know what jail is?

Good! It’s a place they put people who break the law. I’m just happy we are all together!

THE END

Took more like 7 minutes. My apologies.

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Lynn says:

The thing I find really weird is that the only one who knows how to get anywhere (the map) doesn't speak spanish. Also, why is she travelling alone with a monkey across lakes filled with crocodiles? There are paths that go around these places, for petes sake; and why do you have to say swiper no swiping 3 times to stop him from swiping something that they are barely holding onto and waiting for him to take in the first place. I mean, come on! What, is this written by the people who wrote Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman?! They definitely have the same whine.

Nicole says:

I love the 5 minute (or 7) Dora synopsis, I laughed so hard. It is clearly one of the most irritating shows on children's tv. I could really relate to what Lynn said, especially about having to go through a lake with crocodiles. So true, right?! And Mary Hartman – that is priceless, I told that to my husband and he agreed wholeheartedly. You both rock! I also love what Bob said about the 3's, it is so true. My daughter loves Special Agent Oso (and I have come to believe that he is called special for a reason), everything has 3 steps, none of which he can do well. The children usually end up showing him how to do things. My daughter asked me what I watched as a little girl and I told her about The Groovy Ghoulies, Josie and the Pussycats, and all the others. Now I have the song Cling Clang on my mind – remember that one? Damn, I'm old!

Linz says:

Backpack, backpack. Backpack, backpack. Sh!t, it's in my head again.

Jamie says:

I am so very blessed: My 4 year old daughter HATES Dora, and will tell anyone who will listen! She likes Batman, Spiderman, and Ironman. Although if there is a TOY available, she suddenly does not care if it is 110% Dora with a Boots topping and Swiper container!

Anna says:

I was reading this with all the dialect of the show. Then, I realized it was actually on in the other room…creepy! Then again…when isn't it on in the other room? After the kids all go to bed, I find myself watching it for a good 15 minutes before I realize that there is nobody else in the room but me. Even then, I find it hard to find something else to watch.

Izzy says:

oops….you were talking about the books. it's the tv shows with those long pauses!

Izzy says:

hilarious! problem is, it's hard, using the written word, to indicate that loooooong pause after each question. thank god my grandson's moving out of the dora phase…..but only slowly.

Julie says:

Dora & Diego make my eyes twitch and my wine disappear. However, all 3 of the boys LOVE Phineas & Ferb, and thankfully, that's one I can handle watching with them. I generally retreat into laundry, facebook, dishes or yanking my toenails out with needlenose pliers when they choose Dora, Diego, or something like Fish Hooks. (shudder)

Jaimie says:

Julie u dont let my kids have the remote – :) so they haven't discovered Dora yet. I'm dreading the day as Mickey mouse clubhouse is bad enough :)

Courtney says:

I'm crying I'm laughing so hard! What Is wrong with cartoons these days? I remember watching The Simpsons and Ren and Stimpy with my parents when I was little. Questionable parenting maybe but I turned out much better then my brother who is 11 years younger and watched Dora and Bob after my parents jumped on the "parents as child's first educators" bandwagon.

buffi says:

I really think that if Dora and Diego could learn to use their inside voices, my white-hot hate for them would subside. They still beat the hell out of Caillou's whiny crap, though.

So thankful that youngest is 8. Phineus and Ferb are awesome. Though the rest of the Disney Tween Parade make me twitchy. (Still beat the hell out of the Nick Jr contingent)

Shannon says:

you nailed it – Dora books are the WORST! Even worse than the show!!! Bob was right, I think they are written by a room full of monkeys.

Rosemary Casey says:

I cannot stop laughing! Dora is one of the top most nails-scratching-on-chalkboard shows out there for children along with Caillou and Ni-Hau Kai-Lan. I can't even let my kids watch these shows anymore because I realized that they were causing my homicidal thoughts.

Kate says:

Thank you for this. Dora occupies "Most Favored Character" status for my 3-year old, and most of the time, I can tune her out, but that comes with horrible side effects: I hear that crazy kid in my sleep.

Still laughing.

Melanie says:

I just can't get past the fact that the monkeys look all hopped up on coke. I know I'm not the only sick one who thinks this. I watched it once with my nephew years ago and all I saw was hopped up monkeys. That may be because at the time I was a hopped up monkey, but I don't really project all that much so I'm sticking with the fact that they look hopped up.

Angela C says:

That is hilarious… now I have crystals all over my desk from laughing.

Emily says:

Nice! Dora isn't allowed in our house. You forgot the parts when she has you say everything louder. She makes me want to kick her football head!

Bob says:

You forgot the rule of 3s. Every task must take 3 steps. Map will show 3 places they need to go (including the destination). Each challenge must involve 3 steps to solve it. Rungs missing from a ladder? They will be found in 3 bundles which you must count separately to arrive at the total number of missing rungs. This rule is applicable for nearly all shows aimed at toddlers. Sesame Street is the only show I can think of that doesn't follow that rule – but my Toddler won't sit still through Sesame Street except occasionally for Elmo's World. If it's a special hour long episode then you are allowed 1 additional step along the way (but the rule of 3 still applies to the individual tasks).

I'm convinced a room full of monkey's write Dora/Diego/Kai Lan. Perhaps this is why Boots is featured so prominently. Still, my 2 year old daughter can't get enough of it and an obscene fraction of my brain is now filled with sufficient details of these shows that I can now identify which episode it is within a few seconds of turning it on, at any point in the show. I wonder which part's of what I used to know for my PhD my brain has decided to jettison in order to hold this important new material.

Jason Good says:

Bob. that's hilarious. I love that your analytical brain unwittingly dissected Dora plot points. You're right about the 3's too, I hand't realized it. I was basing it on what I find are the two most annoying things. 1. The questions (for which I NEVER pause) and 2. The ridiculously easy resolution to conflict.

Bob says:

It's what my wife and I do while forced at whine-point to watch this stuff. And why bother with Map when there's only 1 path nearly all the time? And what's up with Dora's odd head shape? She looks nothing like any other human on the show. And on Go, Diego – if you have Rescue Pack, why do you ever need anything else, ever.

Katie says:

OMG, I laughed so hard I snorted, and I've never even read a Dora book! Backup career for you, writing children's books!

Liz says:

O…M….G……that was amazingly epic! The sad thing…my 2 year old who has a speech delay can repeat what she says in Spanish…but if I try to get him to say "more please" in English he just stares at me blankly then chucks his sippy at my face. Dora needs to go.

Jen says:

This would be correct, except you forgot to repeat everything 6 times.

:P