Day 326: A Dora The Explorer Book in 5 Minutes

I think it’s possible to write one of those banal Dora books in about as much time as it takes to read one: 5 minutes.

Starting the timer … now.

Dora Visits Her Homeland

Hola! I’m Dora and I’m going to visit my home country!

Mi Mami and Papi are driving. Do you like to drive with your Mami and Papi?

Can you count how many red cars I can see out my window?

Good! There are 4 red cars!

Here we are. We are at the border to my home country. This is where we will have to show our passports.

Do you know what a passport is?

That’s right! It tells people what country you are from.

Oh no, there’s Swiper. Swiper wants to take mi Papi’s passport. We have to stop him.

Can you say “Swiper no Swiping?”

Oh no. It didn’t work. Now swiper has mi Papi’s passport. We have to get it back if we want to go to my home country.

I don’t know where Swiper went. What do we use when we don’t know where to go?

That’s right. Map. Say Map!


Map says we have to cross the border on foot. But look at that river! How will we ever get across it?

If we had a boat we could use it to cross the river.

Oh look, there’s my cousin Diego. He has a boat, but it looks like the boat has a hole. Oh no!

We must plug the hole with crystals.

Do you know how to make crystals?

That’s right! We can make crystals if we all smile together. Can you smile with us?

Good! Now we have the crystals we need to plug the boat. Now Diego can take us across the river.

We made it! I am so happy to be back in my home country.

Oh no, here come The Federales. They want mi Papi’s passport!

Remember, Swiper has mi Papi’s passport!

Now we are in a police car. Do you like the sound of sirens?

The policeman is driving really fast! It’s fun to drive fast.

Now we are in jail. Do you know what jail is?

Good! It’s a place they put people who break the law. I’m just happy we are all together!


Took more like 7 minutes. My apologies.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

23 comments On Day 326: A Dora The Explorer Book in 5 Minutes

  • Nice! Dora isn't allowed in our house. You forgot the parts when she has you say everything louder. She makes me want to kick her football head!

  • You forgot the rule of 3s. Every task must take 3 steps. Map will show 3 places they need to go (including the destination). Each challenge must involve 3 steps to solve it. Rungs missing from a ladder? They will be found in 3 bundles which you must count separately to arrive at the total number of missing rungs. This rule is applicable for nearly all shows aimed at toddlers. Sesame Street is the only show I can think of that doesn't follow that rule – but my Toddler won't sit still through Sesame Street except occasionally for Elmo's World. If it's a special hour long episode then you are allowed 1 additional step along the way (but the rule of 3 still applies to the individual tasks).

    I'm convinced a room full of monkey's write Dora/Diego/Kai Lan. Perhaps this is why Boots is featured so prominently. Still, my 2 year old daughter can't get enough of it and an obscene fraction of my brain is now filled with sufficient details of these shows that I can now identify which episode it is within a few seconds of turning it on, at any point in the show. I wonder which part's of what I used to know for my PhD my brain has decided to jettison in order to hold this important new material.

    • Bob. that's hilarious. I love that your analytical brain unwittingly dissected Dora plot points. You're right about the 3's too, I hand't realized it. I was basing it on what I find are the two most annoying things. 1. The questions (for which I NEVER pause) and 2. The ridiculously easy resolution to conflict.

      • It's what my wife and I do while forced at whine-point to watch this stuff. And why bother with Map when there's only 1 path nearly all the time? And what's up with Dora's odd head shape? She looks nothing like any other human on the show. And on Go, Diego – if you have Rescue Pack, why do you ever need anything else, ever.

  • OMG, I laughed so hard I snorted, and I've never even read a Dora book! Backup career for you, writing children's books!

  • O…M….G……that was amazingly epic! The sad thing…my 2 year old who has a speech delay can repeat what she says in Spanish…but if I try to get him to say "more please" in English he just stares at me blankly then chucks his sippy at my face. Dora needs to go.

  • This would be correct, except you forgot to repeat everything 6 times.


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