Last night I was using a toothpick to scratch the inside of my ear. They’ve itched non-stop for 15 years and, though my condition is curable with steroids, I would have to give up on the tiny little orgasms I get from scratching them. Life is about balance.
The toothpicks are a new tool for me. For years, I was faithful to mechanical pencils and retractable pens. My wife loves it when she goes to sign a check and unwittingly writes her name in ear wax. Marriage is about compromise, understanding, and love, but more than anything, it’s about tolerance.
The kids were asleep and we were just about to press play on the season 4 finale of Breaking Bad (by the way, HOLY SHIT), when Lindsay saw me using my newest makeshift aural sex toy. “Absolutely not,” she said. I think it shocked her that I’d moved on to something so sharp. “You’re going to leave that laying around somewhere and one of the kids might get a hold of it and poke their eye out or something.” It wasn’t about my safety; I’m an adult so my wife lets me make my own decisions about how and when to pierce my inner ear with a miniature wooden javelin. When it comes to our children though, she’s a never inattentive lifeguard.
“Ok, I’ll make sure I throw it away,” I said as I placed the slightly tinted toothpick on the coffee table.
“You’ll forget. I’ll do it, and I’m breaking it into thirds”
Wow. I wasn’t aware the dreaded toothpick was such a blood-thirsty killing machine. Maybe we should have just burned it along with anything else in the house that has a point on it. Let’s cut off our fingers and put them in a safety deposit box. You can never be too safe.
She continued, “Plus, I don’t want you to use those because they’re the only way I can get Arlo to eat fruit.
I had forgotten that she cuts up little pieces of melon and sticks toothpicks in them like she’s catering a fancy toddler cocktail party. If she was actively encouraging our 2 year old to use them as a utensil, why was she so concerned about one lying around on the coffee table?
It’s all part of her master strategy. If she can create valid reasons why I can’t touch anything thin or sharp, she might be able to prevent me from scratching my ears.
IT WILL NEVER WORK, WOMAN!
Like any addict, I’ll simply move my operations to a secret location. Months from now, she’ll open the vanity in the basement bathroom and suffocate under a deluge of pen caps, toothpicks, paperclips, and broken-off tines of plastic forks. Let’s hope she’s willing to find a compromise. Either that or I’m destined for an intervention and it won’t be pretty.
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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
The cap of an old-fashioned Bic pen — ahh!!!
Ewwwww! I think it's mostly the idea that a thing meant for food and mouths is entering our ear, possibly to be picked up by a small child wanting to chew on it (and your earwax!). My ears itch at times, but the pen cap does for me, lmfao.
My step-dad has the same problem. Once a week have the wife pour peroxide into each ear. One at a time, lying on her lap. You will feel it bubble. Once it stops bubbling; tip your head onto a wash cloth & viola, a ball of ear wax will fall out =) She will be happy you will not need to have sharp objects poked in your ear anymore & I promise the bubbling feels better than anything else you've tried (going w/ the mimi orgasm idea =)) Hope it helps!!!
2 things: have gotten toothpick in foot while stuck in carpet as other fabulous story teller relayed. AND my aunt nina burst her ear drum with a toothpick b/c she always saw my gpa do as you are and voila — it never healed, and she can't hear out of that ear.
so be careful while you find the ultimate…erm…tool.
Ear itch…got it too. But does anybody have a cat that acts like earwax is feline heroin? If mine even hears me open the container of Q-Tips she goes insane, crawling up my arm until I let her eat the used cotton end. Ugh.
A side note, you are the funniest blogger I've ever found. I started reading backwards and then got disoriented and went to the beginning and read forward like a normal person. And I experienced all of the following: guffaws, giggles, snorts, harrumphs, hoots, snickers, cackles and chortles up to and including laughing so hard I cried. So, thanks and I'll keep tuning in.
My partner uses paperclips with a bit bent out so it's basically a sharp stick of metal. Totally freaks me out, I'm sure he's going to burst his eardrum one day.
BOBBY PINS MY MAN, BOBBY PINS!!!!
Check out the Japanese mimikaki (aka Japanese ear pick). Half toothpick, half q-tip. Japanese have used them for ear cleaning for centuries. Google it, they have all kinds of great designs too!
If only for the name, they are worth a try… Mimikaki anyone?
There is an extensive library on the internet regarding all this: Mimikaki parlours and fetishes! How grand.
Poor Jason. I've found the best thing to use for this particular infliction is a pen cap. Not just any pen cap. One that's rounded on as many sides as possible. Also, you can't just jab it in there, or you'll compact the goo into your ear canal. Try scraping motions and frequent cleaning of the device to help keep this from happening……I've gotten a painful cleansing of my ear before I perfected this art. Of course, all things in moderation…I managed to burst my ear drum when I couldn't find my curve edged pen cap, and it was awful! A week 102.5 degree fevers…..I was delirious. Did you know that you start doing serious damage to your brain when you reach 103 degree fevers? Be careful!!
My dad had the dreaded toothpick habit, and one of the Yorkies got a hold of some, ate them and a couple pierced his intestinal tract. Two canine surgeries and $2500 later, my dad no longer uses those nasty things. He's opted for those individual flossers now. Grossly, he keeps the used ones in a small box with a lid on the coffee table. Still, better than nearly dying Yorkshire Terriers.
A rusty paper clip! Not only do you get to view the glory of your bounty…but it scratches the damn thing at the same time.
I seriously thought I was the only one in the whole wide universe to have an insatiable ear-itch and that my ear-orgasms were some weird solitary quirk. I've found my herd!
This whole post is making my ears itch.
I think that what some of us view as fun others will always see the problems. Tooth picks are definitely harmless – so keep up the fun work.
Paper clip. The regular size. They rule.
Better than car keys, q-tips, pens, pencils, toothpicks, eyeglasses, rolled up paper, all of which I've used. Provide that good scratchy feeling and excellent at removing all manner of aural excretions without the risk of a punctured ear drum.
I get 'em for free at work!
I was about to suggest paperclips. I used to be a pen cap person, but the extra wax was my nemesis. Then I realized that the bend in a paperclip bakes a great scoop.
I once used the ear itch in an example as to why woman enjoy sex more than men. Follow me… you have a fiery itch in your ear… you take your littlest finger and have at it. When you're done, which feels better, your finger? or your ear?
Nope, absolutely not, sorry dude, I am with your wife on this one, most definitely.
Here's why…
My freshman year of high school our whole family was taking a vacation to the UP of Michigan (I say it that way so I sound "in the know", I am not really "in the know" but every so often I figure something out and then I like to use it so I can explain to those who have not figured out that UP of Michigan means the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, this is a region that is as close to the arctic circle as this Ohio girl ever wants to get in the winter time) to go downhill skiing at a place called Boyne Highlands.
We had gotten time off of school and everything to take this family vacation, it was a Very Big Deal ™. The skis were packed onto the car, boot bags containing rigid plastic boots that make you walk like an escapee of a Mob Hit and spare gloves were ready to go, backpacks filled with homework that we would not touch for the duration of the trip were loaded into the back seat and last minute items were being thrown into suitcases.
My parents' bedroom was carpeted in that, ever so popular in the mid-80s, "sculptured" carpet, essentially it was the textile floor covering industry's response to the Mullet.
My father had inherited a toothpick habit from his father, after a meal at a restaurant, they would both procure toothpicks from the cashier and then work that toothpick until they got home. Upon arriving home, they would sometimes put the device into the trash, but ever so often it would not make it there…
So…we were up early to leave for our vacation. My father never got up early unless he was on vacation. We never understood that. On any typical Tuesday he would sleep in as long as possible, until mom insisted that he was going to be late to the office. At least that is what I assume happened since I was at school when this happened. On a family vacation day, the man was up before the sun and insisting that we all greet the day along with him. Leaving for vacation usually happened before McDonald's opened for breakfast and we would hope to get breakfast on the state line of Ohio as we were departing.
My parents had an alarm clock, the thing had been set to go off at some ungodly hour of the day, but dad had already gotten us all up and we were finishing preparations. I was in my room when I heard my parents' alarm clock go off and went into their room to turn it off when the heel of my sock covered foot encountered a toothpick that had not made it to the trashcan.
Toothpicks come in a few varieties, this one was one that was very sharp and pretty high quality so it was surprisingly strong. Not one of those wimpy flat ones that bend after 20 seconds of immersion in saliva…Oh no, this one was the Hefty of toothpicks.
It had been buried into the loops of the carpet and propped up at just the right angle by the shag of the carpet to make a tiny, but effective Punji stick, and had laid in wait for the bottom of my foot to come along.
As I hurried in to reach the alarm, I suddenly felt like a snake had bitten me or some such horror, why I considered this in the middle of winter in Ohio, I do not know, but I guess that was maybe slightly more logical than that Barbie and Ken had gone rogue and booby trapped the place.
I limped to my mother and handed her the broken off portion of the toothpick and she delicately removed my sock to find the remainder in the bottom of my foot. Not just the bottom of my foot but the area where the tender arch is just getting ready to become heel, on the bottom of my foot. More tender arch than heel.
I gave her the run down in about 3 seconds and she called my dad's best friend, who also happened to be our family doctor. He told her to meet him at his office and he would take a look at it. Mom helped me to limp carefully out to the car, took the keys from dad's surprised hands, yanked the suitcase he had been working on fitting into the trunk back out of the trunk and dropped it on the ground, told him she was taking me to see the doctor for his toothpick in my foot, and got in the car. He had the sense to move out of the way and did not ask any questions.
Shots to numb body parts hurt. Did you know that? They burn….a lot. Shots that have to go into the heel of your foot hurt even more because they have to go through some skin that was designed to not let stuff go through it. Doctors have to numb all the way around an injury before commencing with the slicing. It hurt. A lot.
It was a piece that measured a bit less than half an inch but more than a quarter of an inch and digging for that much timber took a while. A tetanus shot added to the joy of the event. I remember when the lidocaine wore off, it was about the time that we were leaving the state of Ohio and had stopped for lunch.
I had the blood stained piece of toothpick, the doctor had put it in a urine specimen bottle and given it to me. I put it on the top of the dresser in our hotel room. Prominently positioned.
I still get chills and feel an ache in to bottom of my right foot when I see a toothpick. Toothpicks are controlled items in my house and anyone that has one must hand it over TO ME when they are done.
I share this to give you a warning…and to hope that if you do use this particular tool, you will be very, very careful. Especially if you have mullet carpet.
Great story, Vickie. Thanks
Haha – I have it to – I call them Eargasms… but I preper good ole fashion Q-Tips – sometimes with the cotton pulled off. I must use them at least 5 times a day… keep them at work, in my car, purse, jacket pocket…
ALSO – totally agree with Lindsay I would have the same anger…my hubby, no matter how much he says he will throw out or put something away..JUST. CAN. NOT. DO. IT! I too would be stuck cleaning up (or pulling out of my toddlers mouth) earwax covered toothpicks – ewwww!
this discussion worries me on several levels
ear orgasm?
utensils used to satiate this apparently common affliction?
how safe are pens and pencils borrowed innocuously? ear wax is less telling than the bite marks of chewers.
finally, Whats wrong with Q tips?
My wife also doesn't understand the tiny little ear scratching orgasms. I use the ends of the temples of my eyeglasses. Today, the urge was so big I used it briefly while driving. I have a very strong prescription. You do the math. But man, it felt really good.
I keep tools in my car….. get with it Bob. :)
Two words: dental tool.
I've used one. I like a variety of things depending on the depth of the itch.
I too have the incurable ear itch….