Day 320: The Truth About Thanksgiving

I wanted to take a swing at all the cherished delicacies we eat for Thanksgiving before my family comes so none of them take it personally.

Want some fresh turkey with nothing on it? Just stuff your mouth with Carr’s Water Crackers. Do turkeys ever drink water? It’s no wonder their skin sags so much, they’re dangerously dehydrated. That annoying gobbling sound is their  muscles rubbing together. Meat should never be flakey. Oh, and I know the dark meat is juicier. Too bad it tastes like rotting lamb. Turkey exists as food because someone was starving and couldn’t find a chicken.

Gravy is amazing, but we only need it because turkey is gross. Early Thanksgivings were fraught with choking deaths and someone – probably a physician – screamed, “We need lube on that bird!” I imagine the first gravies were also probably responsible for a few bacterial-based deaths. It’s 2011 and gravy is still mysteriously gross and delicious at the same time. Don’t agree that it’s gross? Think about drinking a pint glass full of cold gravy. We on the same page now? Gravy is blood, fat, and flour (I think), and maybe some veins or something. I don’t really know. Dog food is sometimes advertised as having “delicious gravy.” I don’t like that at all. That said, I will be inhaling it tomorrow.

Mashed Potatoes
In a better world, buttery mashed potatoes covered in gravy would have the nutritional value of broccoli. If I was totally honest and didn’t care what anyone thought, I would just fill my plate with mashed potatoes and eat them huddled in a corner like a goblin. I even enjoy making them because it’s hilarious to mash together  3 potatoes with 12 sticks of butter, 4 cartons of sour cream and a gallon of whole milk.  If you make them right, mashed potatoes should kill anyone who’s lactose intolerant. I may be a little extreme but, personally, I think quality mashed potatoes have to be eaten with a spoon.

Like gravy, stuffing was invented to distract us from how awful turkey is. I like most stuffing even though I have no idea what it is. It’s a mound of soggy croutons, right? Basically, we take a bunch of toast and jam it up a turkey’s ass and cook it. Somehow, I’m totally cool with that. Even if I stop and ponder it for a long time, I’m still down. There’s no other situation where that would be OK.”Hold up guys. Don’t roast that goat yet. We should jam a baguette up its butt first.” There’s some brain washing going on here, and I think the government’s behind it. Tomorrow be sure to check your stuffing for microchips.

Cranberry Sauce
Stop pretending you like cranberry sauce. It tastes like a Sour Patch Kid before they found out how to make them good.

Pumpkin Pie
Really? Why not have some squash milkshakes with that? Is it some gypsy tradition not to let the pumpkin go to waste after Halloween? Pumpkin pie is a whipped cream delivery system. People – and I hesitate to call them that – who eat pumpkin pie without whipped cream will also probably eat your pets. A small tear rolls down my face as I sit here thinking about how much better Thanksgiving could be if it used a valid pie.

Oh for Christ’s sake. Yams are complete bullshit. It’s some kind of affirmative action nonsense that allows them to share a plate with real potatoes. There isn’t nearly enough difference in taste, color or texture between yams and pumpkin to allow for them both. One tasteless orange stringy thing is already too much for this kid. If you try to serve yams without melted marshmallows on top, expect to be contacted by my lawyer.

So what’s my solution? Here’s a Thanksgiving dinner that isn’t based on mythical traditions cemented by a bunch of British guys with syphilitic brains:

Beef Brisket. If you don’t like that, you probably have a giant tumor pressing against your brain’s pleasure center.
Mashed potatoes
Donut Stuffing: Because we have brisket, there’s no need to cook  water-logged melba toast inside a turkey carcass. Just mix up some donuts, bro.
Mashed cheeries: I know you want something red on your plate. I get it. Cherries are edible cranberries.
Chocolate chip cookies: It’s impossible to disagree with that.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

25 comments On Day 320: The Truth About Thanksgiving

  • We've finally given up on turkey for this day…no one eats much of it, it's always dry, & my kids hate it. So, tomorrow, spicy chicken enchiladas, Spanish rice, beans & cranberry sauce & whipped cream (with the pumpkin pie to act as the base). We're a mixed race family so we each contribute our favorite thing.

  • our family does pot roast on thanksgiving and tacos on christmas

  • Excellent. I'll have you know that in the 3rd grade, I wrote and directed a commercial advocating pizza for thanksgiving instead of disgusting, disgusting, turkey. It involved children marching around a dining room table holding signs with crossed out turkeys. It didn't work.

  • Can't. Stop. Laughing!! I agree with the above poster: You've outdone yourself here!

  • Oh god. Oh god. Oh my god. You have outdone yourself.

    I just love you, man.

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