Day 319: Self-help Advice from a 2 year old

  1. Challenge yourself every day. Try climbing the stairs carrying two soccer balls while wearing your father’s shoes. Remember, failure IS an option.
  2. De-clutter! Start by throwing all your dishes in the garbage. After that I suggest toothbrushes and important paper work.
  3. Pee on the floor and stomp in it like a puddle. You’ll be shocked how much better you feel.
  4. Whether the glass is half empty or half full is irrelevant if you dump it out on the sofa. You’re welcome.
  5. If you’re feeling aggressive, or just bored, scream in a cat’s face.
  6. Don’t ever be afraid to hand someone an ice cube while they’re on the toilet. That stuff is cold. You don’t have to be in pain!
  7. Socks are poison. Trust me, don’t wear them! Happiness will soon follow!
  8. Pound on a computer keyboard like Jerry Lee Lewis playing the piano. Feel better? I thought so. Great Balls of Fire!
  9. If you fall down, stay down. Someone will pick you up eventually.
  10. Quick thrills fuel the heart. Have you learned to delete things off the DVR yet? DO IT. It’s AwWwWwEsOmE.
  11. Seize the day and the night and the middle of the night and the early morning. Seize everything, y’all! Never stop seizing stuff.
  12. Tired of looking at yourself in the mirror? So was I until I met my friend permanent marker. FACE TATTOOS ARE RAD.
  13. This might be a tough one, but you gotta trust me: Take a crap in the tub. It’s surreal.
  14. Live in the moment because there is nothing else. Seriously, there isn’t. Not that I’m aware of at least.
  15. If you’re gonna run, do it at top speed, man. Life is too short to walk in the mall.
  16. I’ve seen God, and its name is iPad.
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Jason Good says:

Are you religious, or are you confused by thinking I am?

Natalie says:

Not much gets a laugh out of me anymore. Gotten way too serious and uptight lately, like, oh, say the last five years. But this has me belly laughing and tears streaming down my face. And that's even after I've read it five times. Thanks, I needed that.

Elise says:

Its so nice to know that other people's children act like this! When experiencing it first-hand you begin to think your child is the spawn of satan, and everyone elses kids are probably little angels. >:0 I have an almost two year old that has been perfecting ways to drive me and his father absolutely nuts!

flourdevour says:

how does a 2 year old know what jerry lee lewis is??

kelliq says:

It's called good parenting, man.

Reticula says:

Hilarious! I'm going to send this to my daughter so she can look forward to my granddaughter turning in almost 2 years. These bring back so many memories….

Heather says:

This is (more or less) an exact replica of my new years' resolutions list. Just substitute "neighbor" for "cat".

This really is hilarious!

Kiera says:

Love it! My almost 2 year old has taken notes :)

I have shared this post with every person I know.

Erica says:

My now 3 year old little man used to crap every time he was in the bath tub for over about a year!!!

Ashley says:

Oh god, us too! It is getting better, but every bath is a crapshoot. Literally.

Sandi says:

When our 5yo was wee she would ONLY poop in the bathtub!

Kristen E says:

Hahahahaha! Yes, I actually LOLed. :) I think #5 is my favorite!

Melissa B says:

As a mother of a full throttle 2 year old boy, its very clear that there IS a manual somewhere and you apparently got ahold of it!

Crickee says:

How ae would be for me to say "I miss a two year old around the house!"??? When those angels are 6 and 8, you become nostalgic…

Red says:

LMAO….ahhhhh good times, I'm glad there are others who can find humor in 'floaters'

Rachel says:

You must know my son Owen….you described him to a T. Love your blog Jason

meredith says:

My daughter has a just turned 3 year old. We read your posts and laugh out loud (for real! that's why I didn't put LOL because people write that all the time and I know they aren't really LOLing) Then we call each other and laugh about them again together. Thanks!

Diane says:

13. Sitting on the floor, by the tub, exhausted, waiting for the two year old's bath to end, and I hear her say ever so softly "oh oh?"

Angela C says:

Learn to be comfortable in your own skin; take of all your clothes every chance you get. At home, at the grocery store, in a restaurant, on the playground…

Michelle says:

When your parents are trying to clear customs. True story.

dad says:

I know your two-year-old and he has done every one of these things. It's a quality of his genius.

Cindy says:

Hilarious! My 2-year-old definitely does some of these too… especially the iPad one. Can't get her off of it!

Beth says:

Love! So funny! I'm going to try some of these….