Day 319: Self-help Advice from a 2 year old

  1. Challenge yourself every day. Try climbing the stairs carrying two soccer balls while wearing your father’s shoes. Remember, failure IS an option.
  2. De-clutter! Start by throwing all your dishes in the garbage. After that I suggest toothbrushes and important paper work.
  3. Pee on the floor and stomp in it like a puddle. You’ll be shocked how much better you feel.
  4. Whether the glass is half empty or half full is irrelevant if you dump it out on the sofa. You’re welcome.
  5. If you’re feeling aggressive, or just bored, scream in a cat’s face.
  6. Don’t ever be afraid to hand someone an ice cube while they’re on the toilet. That stuff is cold. You don’t have to be in pain!
  7. Socks are poison. Trust me, don’t wear them! Happiness will soon follow!
  8. Pound on a computer keyboard like Jerry Lee Lewis playing the piano. Feel better? I thought so. Great Balls of Fire!
  9. If you fall down, stay down. Someone will pick you up eventually.
  10. Quick thrills fuel the heart. Have you learned to delete things off the DVR yet? DO IT. It’s AwWwWwEsOmE.
  11. Seize the day and the night and the middle of the night and the early morning. Seize everything, y’all! Never stop seizing stuff.
  12. Tired of looking at yourself in the mirror? So was I until I met my friend permanent marker. FACE TATTOOS ARE RAD.
  13. This might be a tough one, but you gotta trust me: Take a crap in the tub. It’s surreal.
  14. Live in the moment because there is nothing else. Seriously, there isn’t. Not that I’m aware of at least.
  15. If you’re gonna run, do it at top speed, man. Life is too short to walk in the mall.
  16. I’ve seen God, and its name is iPad.
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Anonymous says:

I think we have a clone… They should use 2yr olds as the ultimate weapon to break the enemy.

Angie says:

You should read Texts From Booker, & on Facebook.

Starla B says:

This is so hilarious, and I really loved the version you did of it with Crappy Pictures!

joyasher30 says:

Omg hilarious. I have a 2&4 yr old rounding out my tribe of 11& 14 yr olds. All boys. Thanks to MWDAS for leading me to this new playground!

JordanForbes says:

#3,5 & 9 totally made my day. Which is saying something pretty major after the past few days I’ve had. Thank you. Mommas need to laugh sometimes.

Becky Hardin says:

Yea my son is #13 all the way…

beetqueen says:

You are hysterical! I have two small kids and reading your blogs is like seeing my life in a way that makes me want to laugh, not drink heavily!

Christy Pugh says:

omg this is hilarious. laughed so hard in my office made my office mates worry!

hallie says:


~nanny for 15 years, preschool teacher for three

Ti says:

Mama of 5, 4, and 2 yr olds. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

jude says:

“Seize the day and the night and the middle of the night and the early morning. Seize everything, y’all! Never stop seizing stuff.”

the others are definitely fun. this one is philosophically useful.