- Challenge yourself every day. Try climbing the stairs carrying two soccer balls while wearing your father’s shoes. Remember, failure IS an option.
- De-clutter! Start by throwing all your dishes in the garbage. After that I suggest toothbrushes and important paper work.
- Pee on the floor and stomp in it like a puddle. You’ll be shocked how much better you feel.
- Whether the glass is half empty or half full is irrelevant if you dump it out on the sofa. You’re welcome.
- If you’re feeling aggressive, or just bored, scream in a cat’s face.
- Don’t ever be afraid to hand someone an ice cube while they’re on the toilet. That stuff is cold. You don’t have to be in pain!
- Socks are poison. Trust me, don’t wear them! Happiness will soon follow!
- Pound on a computer keyboard like Jerry Lee Lewis playing the piano. Feel better? I thought so. Great Balls of Fire!
- If you fall down, stay down. Someone will pick you up eventually.
- Quick thrills fuel the heart. Have you learned to delete things off the DVR yet? DO IT. It’s AwWwWwEsOmE.
- Seize the day and the night and the middle of the night and the early morning. Seize everything, y’all! Never stop seizing stuff.
- Tired of looking at yourself in the mirror? So was I until I met my friend permanent marker. FACE TATTOOS ARE RAD.
- This might be a tough one, but you gotta trust me: Take a crap in the tub. It’s surreal.
- Live in the moment because there is nothing else. Seriously, there isn’t. Not that I’m aware of at least.
- If you’re gonna run, do it at top speed, man. Life is too short to walk in the mall.
- I’ve seen God, and its name is iPad.
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You should read Texts From Booker, textsfrombooker.com & on Facebook.
This is so hilarious, and I really loved the version you did of it with Crappy Pictures!
Omg hilarious. I have a 2&4 yr old rounding out my tribe of 11& 14 yr olds. All boys. Thanks to MWDAS for leading me to this new playground!
#3,5 & 9 totally made my day. Which is saying something pretty major after the past few days I’ve had. Thank you. Mommas need to laugh sometimes.
Yea my son is #13 all the way…
You are hysterical! I have two small kids and reading your blogs is like seeing my life in a way that makes me want to laugh, not drink heavily!
omg this is hilarious. laughed so hard in my office made my office mates worry!
HAHAHAHAHA!
~nanny for 15 years, preschool teacher for three
Mama of 5, 4, and 2 yr olds. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
“Seize the day and the night and the middle of the night and the early morning. Seize everything, y’all! Never stop seizing stuff.”
the others are definitely fun. this one is philosophically useful.
Brilliant!
Omgoodness…I could not stop laughing!!!! This sounds just like my son Brayden.
I was laughing so hard, I couldn't read this to my husband! We're babysitting my 4-week-old granddaughter and I can see the future. Of course, I remember my kids at that age (minus the iPad) and I know the truth of all this.
crying.
Had to laugh at this! My littlest is now 3, so different from 2 (thank God – he does different, oh so cute things now – still won't wear socks consistently though) and yes, I do remember! I have 3 boys, by the way. ;)
how true it is!
Another blog that makes me shed tears of laughter like The Bloggess. And yes, you must live in my house as well.
It's like you live in my house. I am weeping.
Hilarious! Just ran across your site…
If only I could travel in a time machine… I might go back to 2 years old. That really was the best days, no?
–@terracecrawford
Hilarious!!!!!
Dump the cereal box on the floor making a lovely mountain, sit down, feast.
No cereal boxes in reach? Works great with dog food too.
Not enough Fisher-Price figurines to fill your toy truck? Drive around the yard and find "peoples" or, more accurately, "poop-les"
Step 1: Pick your nose
Step 2: Wipe on nearest arm, or if you're in the backseat, ask for one
Step 3: nonchalantly announce "Surprise"
(note, this is especially good in public, while meeting new people, and during dinner)
Heres another one to add….
My 19m wrote: Khuvrdybbj y9&6(/'$,;gk8!g.
Translation: Play with the IPad while parents are blogging. It's incredibly fun.
Others to add:
1) Always wait until the tub is full of water before you decide to pee in it.
2) Try all button to see what they do – the off switch on the computer when someone is working is particularly fun
3) Waves to everyone – it makes them smile :-)
I would add one more: Pants are for sissies. Running bare assed through the house, yard or street is pure joy!
so are shoes, coats, any piece of clothing really – and snow? Snow feels so much better when your buck naked!
Currently in the midst of my 8 month old "seizing the moment…" 3:30am never looked so good!
The ipad should be partly covered by health insurance and should be given to parents at the hospital
My little boy will be 2 in September, I'm really looking forward to 3 & 5….lucky we have 2 gay cats! :)
Brilliant. But you forgot a foundational principle –
You are ALWAYS at your most productive at 4:00 am. Even more so when your parents bear witness.
LOVE. My son is a HUGE fan of pooping in the tub. He'd also recommend moving furniture… especially the kind that scratches hardwood floors. And pulling anything and everything off of counters that's in reach. Not in reach? Create a precarious stepping stool out of blocks!
Love this! Genius. It sounds just like my son! I would add that you should try wearing your clothes backwards and your shoes on the wrong feet.
My 3-year old son would definitely agree with you! I think he purposefully wears his clothes backwards. He's told me he likes to wear his shoes on the wrong feet because "it's more comfortable".
This is great! But you forgot one thing:
-If you have a snotty nose and there are no tissues in sight, use mommy's shirt. It's much more sanitary than your own coat sleeve.
amen.
This is seriously brilliant. My son and your daughter can start a movement based on these key principles. (And more!)
don't get the last one? love the rest, but lost on the GOD vs ipad joke
plz help
If you had a 2 year old that you've introduced to an iPad, then you'd understand completely! Netflix is especially evil. That's how our son discovered Barney, God help us!
Awesome early morning laugh! Thanks!
I have almost 2 year old twin girls. They can read. I'm sure of it. I know because they have taken all of this advice.
We have a 2 year old boy and a 3 year old boy…a year and 11 days apart…and this is the everyday norm in our house! I love your blog!
I got here from thebloggess.com I laughed until I cried. Seriously. I have a 4 year old. This is awesome!
How about saving money on finger painting supplies. My two year old (now 39) taught me the joys of poop on the walls….a wonder we both survived!
LOL My daughter did it twice,in a new place with brand new carpets. I mostly just cried.:)
That is such a smart post. So true, so funny. Great Job!
Wait – you forgot a few: When you are finished using daddy's cell phone? Drop it in the toilet, preferably while your brother is peeing.
Stuck in time out in your room and have to drop a deuce? What do you think the sink is for?
Dude – I have 3-year old triplets (two boys, one girl). We should collaborate on a list. Yours. Is. GENIUS.
merci,
Shannan
i almost spewed coffee everywhere laughing at the cell phone comment…
me too…LOL I have a 4 and 6yo boys and have done it all. so funny in someone else's blog, not so much in your house…
Seize it ALL!!! Especially if it is huge hanks of your mama's hair, with all your scarily-huge toddler strength.
OMG… oh the pain, the joy….. I will be on the floor if anyone needs me
Thanks to my sister in law for finding and sharing this blog! I've been reading and laughing like its all I had to do today.
I also read the multiple children post today and the 2 go together quite well. If you have more than 2 kids (I have 4) all of these things can happen in the time it takes to change one diaper. I have a picture of my 5 year old who spent 4 minutes in the bathroom and came out with a hair cut and black marker covering his face. I may be the worst parent in the world because I just laughed and posted his picture on fb :)
Loved it! … Shared with everyone. I have a 2 yr old niece. The difference is when she is being "difficult" I get to leave. Lol ….I suppose my day is comin'… =
Just found you via the Bloggess. Did anyone ever tell you that you're "pretty"? Seriously, I assumed you were gay. But I'm from the South, where men are….not pretty. Anyway–chins up ladies and gents. The days are long, but the years are short! My kids are 4 and 7 and what I wouldn't give for one more week at home being drooled on, playing with Play Dough, and pushing little diaper butts in baby swings. Live it, love it, soak in it 'til your fingers get all pruney! Then drink after bed time.
To say this is awesome doesn't even come close to what needs to be said. Absolutely brilliant, and SPOT. ON.
Thx for making my day from hell with my 2 yr old twin boys so much better…I needed this!
I think you have been following us around. You just described most of my weekend.
As I read this I am putting socks on my two year old for the 1500347 time today. So true, every single word.
Its crucial to keep an accurate count so you can track your progress
LMAO
Are you religious, or are you confused by thinking I am?
Not much gets a laugh out of me anymore. Gotten way too serious and uptight lately, like, oh, say the last five years. But this has me belly laughing and tears streaming down my face. And that's even after I've read it five times. Thanks, I needed that.
Its so nice to know that other people's children act like this! When experiencing it first-hand you begin to think your child is the spawn of satan, and everyone elses kids are probably little angels. >:0 I have an almost two year old that has been perfecting ways to drive me and his father absolutely nuts!
how does a 2 year old know what jerry lee lewis is??
YouTube
It's called good parenting, man.
Hilarious! I'm going to send this to my daughter so she can look forward to my granddaughter turning in almost 2 years. These bring back so many memories….
This is (more or less) an exact replica of my new years' resolutions list. Just substitute "neighbor" for "cat".
This really is hilarious!
Love it! My almost 2 year old has taken notes :)
I have shared this post with every person I know.
My now 3 year old little man used to crap every time he was in the bath tub for over about a year!!!
Oh god, us too! It is getting better, but every bath is a crapshoot. Literally.
When our 5yo was wee she would ONLY poop in the bathtub!
Hahahahaha! Yes, I actually LOLed. :) I think #5 is my favorite!
As a mother of a full throttle 2 year old boy, its very clear that there IS a manual somewhere and you apparently got ahold of it!
How ae would be for me to say "I miss a two year old around the house!"??? When those angels are 6 and 8, you become nostalgic…
LMAO….ahhhhh good times, I'm glad there are others who can find humor in 'floaters'
You must know my son Owen….you described him to a T. Love your blog Jason
My daughter has a just turned 3 year old. We read your posts and laugh out loud (for real! that's why I didn't put LOL because people write that all the time and I know they aren't really LOLing) Then we call each other and laugh about them again together. Thanks!
13. Sitting on the floor, by the tub, exhausted, waiting for the two year old's bath to end, and I hear her say ever so softly "oh oh?"
Learn to be comfortable in your own skin; take of all your clothes every chance you get. At home, at the grocery store, in a restaurant, on the playground…
When your parents are trying to clear customs. True story.
I know your two-year-old and he has done every one of these things. It's a quality of his genius.
Love this!
Hilarious! My 2-year-old definitely does some of these too… especially the iPad one. Can't get her off of it!
Love! So funny! I'm going to try some of these….