Day 297: Finally, a Girl

I don’t know how they did it. Maybe they recited the ancient incantation of Isis, or conceived under a certain constellation, but my sister-in-law and husband baked and delivered a baby girl to the family. My wife and I have two boys, and my sister-in-law already had one, so to keep Thanksgiving 2021 from turning into a giant fight over who gets to use the virtual reality visor in between applications of Proactive acne cream, we really needed to add a tiny lady to the mix. I met her for the first time today, and she’s wonderful.

When we arrived at their house, it was full of family all passing the happy, somnambulant baby to and from warm sets of eager arms. She smelled and looked like purity, making all the boys seem like grubby giants who, despite being only 2, 3 and 4 years old, had already been irreversibly corrupted by the brutality of existence. Her eyes had never seen television, her ears still hadn’t heard a commercial jingle, her hands had yet to touch anything rough.

All of this made me want to eat that baby. I’M KIDDING! Actually I’m not. I really did want to. In one gulp, like an oyster. Straight down the hatch.

Here’s to my new little niece. I love her already.



17 thoughts on “Day 297: Finally, a Girl

  • I always say that people can be categorized one of two ways: "Baby-eaters" and "Non Baby-eaters"…those that are non can never understand the crazy desire to have to eat that plump, baby foot

  • ….I had to google somnambulant. =)

    • Ick. Why not say "sleepy" when that's what I meant. Blah to me

      • I suppose this is how the "précis" blog article came about? ;-P

  • Melissa D says:

    How sweet congrats to you and your family on a baby girl! I agree with Vickie once mother nature hits it all goes crazy!! mood Swings, attitude at its worst and oh yeah teenage boys constantly calling!! My daughter is 13 and I want to kill mother nature!! My daughter acts more like my sister than she does me >.<.

  • Congratulations! We had the exact opposite in my family. Everyone had girls, then finally we got one boy and the rest were boys for a few years. So strange how that happens.

  • Arrrgh! Precious precious precious!!!!!!

  • we just got the first girl in our family after my sisters an i have produced boys that are now 15, 11, 9, 8,5,4,2,1 and 7 months

    • I feel your pain. We're still waiting for a girl on my husband's side of the family. The men, I think, only make Y-flavored sperm. My husband's dad has one brother. He (my husband) has three brothers. (My mother in law wanted a girl, and on her 3rd try got two boys. Wisely, she stopped trying after that.) And a month ago I gave birth to our second son (we also wanted girls, but no).

      The up-side is that when one of my brothers in law finally does manage to produce a girl, she is going to be such a spoiled little thing. Which, thankfully, will not be my problem.

      • me niece erin is a month old and with as much attention as she gets u would think none of the 9 boys had ever been born it pisses my son off to no end as the oldest and the first grandchild he has been knocked off his high horse as the favorite of my mothers

        • i should also point out that out of 7 children my parents never produced a boy all girls all the time

  • Anh Nguyen says:

    *sincerity*. My apologies for lack of proofreading.

  • Anh Nguyen says:

    This post made my heart melt. Congratulations to your family!

    Love your blog for its humor, sinceriy, and appreciation for the absurd. Thank you for sharing.

  • Just wait…girls are all fun, sweetness, lace and softness, until nature comes along and turns the hormone roller coaster on. Then, you will be thanking your lucky stars that God put the stems on both of your apples. :)


    Vickie, former teenage girl and mother of a 16 year old son and a 13 year old daughter.

  • You are a delightful human. Congratulations to you and your family. And welcome baby girl!

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