Day 280: Treatise on Bread

I think I ate half a loaf yesterday. Toast is my favorite food. I hope that someday I get a disease that only toast can cure. I like a lot of butter on it. I make buttered toast sandwiches every day. It’s the first thing I eat when I get up in the morning and I spend the rest of the day waiting until I can eat it again.

I tell you this because I want you to understand that I’m an expert on bread. What follow are not opinions, but gastronomical facts. Some might even consider this a manifesto of sorts. Others may see it more as a marketing manual for bread executives. Without further ado, I present to you my treatise on bread.

White
You started it all, man. You should be proud of that. I’ll tell you what though; you’re crazy boring. People even use you as an analogy for things that are insanely unhip: “That dude is totally white bread.” Granted, that saying hasn’t been used much since 1978 or so, but that doesn’t mean you should feel any better about being the poster boy of boring stuff. On top of that, you’re actually the least healthy of all the breads. You’re the most boring AND the most unhealthy. It’s like if water caused diabetes. That said, bread is supposed to be boring. It plays a supporting role to butters, meats and cheeses. You don’t want a bread that outshines the George Clooney of your lunch (ham). That brings me to …

Pumpernickel
What are you trying to do here? You have way too much taste. If that taste was something other than caraway seeds and potting soil, I wouldn’t be so hard on you. Maybe that’s your game; you want to be the black licorice of the bread world. Sure, you’ll make 75% of people vomit, but you’ll also build a faithful fan base that will follow you anywhere – even to the land of grilled cheese. Please write back and let me know if that’s what you’re going for. If so, I salute you. If not, I would prefer you make an eon long visit to a landfill.

Spelt
I’m not entirely sure what I’m dealing with here. Do you come with sprouts already on you? Is it some kind of package deal? If you want spelt bread, do you have to sign a legally binding agreement to immediately cover it in sprouts and hummus? You must also eat it while wearing jeans with a skirt over them, correct? I’m also not happy with your name at all. Is it Polish? Do you come from a long line of government bread? You taste like punishment. Every time I say your name (maybe 7 times in my life) I  wait nervously for someone to correct my pronunciation. They never do, and I think that’s because everyone sort of agrees that we have no idea what you are. Maybe you’re a medicinal bread for people suffering from fibromyalgia or gluten intolerance syndrome or something. If that’s the case, you should be in the pharmacy, not the grocery store.

Multigrain
Look at Apple, Inc. They didn’t go straight for the 64GB iphone. They started small and built their way up. Why did you stampede straight to multigrain? Your genesis should have gone something like this: Single grain (lame), dual-grain, tri-grain, QUAD-grain (getting excited now, right?), and MULTIGRAIN! DING DING DING DING. Now everyone is mega pumped to try this new bread with a shit-ton of grains. Pinball machines make you earn the multi-ball. You’re just giving away your grains, man! Make us earn ‘em. You taste pretty good. You’re actually my ace for both toast and sandwiches. I can’t quite tell you why, but I think it’s mostly because you’re consistent. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear. Everyone, including bread, wants to be a genius game changer. But hey, the world needs good middle relievers too, so keep your head up and be proud of the work you do.

Oat Nut
I hesitate to be so aggressive with a defenseless bread, but I hope all the oat nut bread in the world dies in a fire. You have ruined more sandwiches than off brand mayonnaise and watery mustard combined. “Oh, I can’t wait to eat this sandwich! Hey, what the hell are these chunks of walnut doing in here?” Honestly, where do you come off putting NUTS IN BREAD. I’m ok with the oats. I understand that you gotta do what you gotta do, and if what you gotta do is put oatmeal in yourself, then fine. But nuts? I can’t even fathom where you got the idea that people wouldn’t immediately panic and spit you out on the rug. “There’s some kind of petrified bug in this bread!” I think we can all agree that a turkey sandwich should not be crunchy. You might be thinking, “Hey gastronomical opinion expert, what about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?” Well, PB&Js should be crunchy, you’re right. But if that crunch comes from any other source than the PB, we should all march on Washington (or wherever bread is made.)

Wheat
Yup, I get it. You’re guiltless white bread. You totally nailed it. Good work, wheat. Watch out though, more and more women are starting to think they’re allergic to you. Start marketing yourself to dudes more. Maybe a full page in Men’s Health or Esquire. You taste really good, and you’re my second choice in breads, so I’d hate to see you driven out by a bunch of naturopaths who think “fatigue is predominantly a wheat-based problem.” Don’t let them do that to you. What if I was able to strike a deal with PepsiCo that would put a slice of wheat bread on every bottle of Gatorade? Is that something that might interest you? What about a free loaf with the purchase of a Gillette Mach 3 razor?