Day 266: I Love My Granddog

Stuck to the back of a minivan was a bumper sticker in the shape of a bone that read: “I love my Granddog” I saw this during the first 30 minutes of a 4 hour drive. I spent the next 3 hours and 30 minutes asking myself “WHAT THE HELL IS A GRANDDOG?!” I actually yelled that to myself alone in the car. Here are the possibilities as I see them.

Possibility 1:

The person driving the car had a daughter who was, by some freak genetic mishap, born a canis familiaris (dog). That dog (the driver’s daughter) had a child of her own (with another dog? No idea) and that puppy is the “granddog” of the person driving the car. The human grandmother or grandfather of this dog is trying to show solidarity with their bizarre canine progeny by putting a bumper sticker on their minivan. Somehow I don’t think that’s it. Why would anyone advertise something so heinously bizzarre? If they did, I think they would likely go with shirts, or a NASCAR team.

Possibility 2:

There’s a breed of dog called “Grand” that I’ve never heard of. This is highly unlikely. For staters, it’s a very strange name for a breed – cocky almost. Also, if it was a breed, you wouldn’t say “dog” after it. No one says, “I love my poodle dog.” They just say, “I love my poodle.” So, if that was the case, you would have a bumper sticker that said “I love my Grand.” While I would find that somewhat confusing, I probably wouldn’t go bat shit trying to figure it out. I would shrug and concentrate on the road. So I don’t think you have a dog called a “Grand”

Possibility 3:

The driver has a dog he/she loves. That dog had a litter of puppies, and one of them is their favorite “granddog.” First off, I don’t think you use the term “grand” like that for anything that isn’t in your bloodline. Secondly, even if you did find some rule allowing you to use “grand” in that manner, you would then be on shaky moral ground because you’re singling-out just one of the adorable puppies in the litter. Do you really only love one of them, or was there no “I love my Granddogs” option? Maybe only one of the dogs survived. MAYBE YOU’RE JUST INSANE! MAYBE I SHOULD DRIVE MY CAR OFF THIS CLIFF!

Possibility 4:

The driver is calling his dog “Grand.” As in, I really like my dog! He’s grand! I think that would have an “e” on the end, and it’s very aristocratic sounding. The type of person that says “grande” wears a top hat. They would never dream of having a minivan, or a sticker or anything in the shape of a bone that’s not a bone. I also think it would be two words – “I love my Grande Dog.” By the way, this same logic applies to the possiblity of it just being a really big dog. People who describe big things as “grand(e)” don’t buy stickers.

Possibility 5:

The only option I’m left with is that the van was originally owned by an extremely wealthy and eccentric dog. NO, OF COURSE THE DOG WASN’T DRIVING THE CAR! But perhaps this wildly rich dog, maybe Lassie or the Taco Bell dog, had an agent who convinced him to sink some of his money into a car. The dog made the car his own by affixing a bumper sticker stating how much he loved his granddog. The dog died and left the van to his agent. It was his agent driving.

Please help me come up with something better!

P.S. I’m very tired (“supes tie tie” as we say in my house)

P.P.S. I’m away in Syracuse and there’s a power outage at my house so my wife couldn’t edit this for typos and “things that don’t make any sense.”

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

23 comments On Day 266: I Love My Granddog

  • My dad totally calls my cats his grandkitties and my brothers' dogs his granddogs. Weird, I know. He still does this even though I've provided an actual grandchild for him now. I think he wishes he had a pet.

  • Exactly :) my mom, im ashamed to say, calls my dogs her "grand dogs". Ricockulous, i know

  • Ok, so apparently, I'm the moron. I guess these bumper stickers are used by people who think their sons or daughters are never going to have kids. So it's like their saying, "Fine I'll settle on having a granddog." It's reaaaalllly dumb, but clearly the correct answer.

    • Nah, you're not a moron – just a little out of the loop of aging folks with adult children that refuse to hurry up and have kids of their own and only have pets. I call my son's two dogs "my hairy grandchildren" in the hopes that between my harping about human grandchildren and calling his dumb dogs my grandchildren, he'll break down and have some babies. Well, *he* shouldn't have the babies exactly … but … Nevermind. It's time for my medication again.

  • Yep, what Tutu said. And it's possible you were driving behind my mom. My apologies.

  • I believe the driver has a child who, rather than having children of their own, has a dog instead. Thus, the driver has a "Granddog" in lieu of a Grandchild. Silly!!!

    I love your blog and I am totally stealing "supes tie tie " :)

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