Day 261: No Dogs on Vacation, Please

You ever go on a vacation with people and their dog? “Stop the car, I think Riley needs water.” Wait, you want to stop the car because your dog is thirsty?  I’ve had to pee for 45 minutes and no one cared, but if the dog sticks out his tongue and it’s slightly less pink than Cesar Milan recommends, you flip out like we blew a tire.

You never get to do what you really want, because the dog is treated like he’s on the fence about putting you in his will. There’s a beautiful pool everyone wants to jump in, but because Riley is allergic to chlorine we have to walk half a mile to a lake that smells like it’s filled with asparagus pee. Have fun Riley, I’m just gonna sit here and wait for you to get all went and jump on top of me. Really looking forward to that.

We finally get back and settle in to hang out for the evening and the dog has to go for a walk. How much exercise does that mouth-breathing hobgoblin need? Walk, feed, walk, walk, feed. People use it as a criticism that you treat someone like a dog. Dogs are treated like Royalty. Why is it that humans only get that treatment when they’re infants or about to die? In between those stages of life, we do whatever dog owners think their dogs want to do. In reality, the dogs probably just want to be left alone to eat Kleenex and hump my travel pillow. So let’s lock him in a room so we can have some human time.

No, I am not currently on vacation with a dog.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

4 comments On Day 261: No Dogs on Vacation, Please

  • Recognizing myself in this post. As the annoying dog owner.


    Simply can't bring myself to trust them in someone else's care, so we rarely leave them.

    Just imagine what an annoying (not to mention dangerously dysfunctional) *parent* I'd be!

    And, if we left the dogs at home, we'd have never discovered the joy of watching dogs discover the joy of hotel room service.

    Just sayin.

  • Thank you! Why is it that dog people assume I love their dog as much as they do?

  • Asparagus pee, such a vivid scent memory…I had two family members with the unfortunate affliction…had to move out of the house before I could enjoy asparagus again!

Comments are closed.

Site Footer