In a previous post, I told you all the things you would NOT be doing after having kids. Things like grooming, stretching, learning, and snorkeling. It was all very negative. So here’s a list of all the awesome NEW things you’ll get to do after becoming a parent.
- Butter a piece of toast while peeing.
- Brush someone’s teeth against their will.
- Blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth.
- Help someone else blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth.
- Eat food that’s fallen out of someone else’s mouth.
- Eat food you found on the floor.
- Eat food you found on the mantle.
- Eat candy you found in a shoe.
- Visit a psychiatrist.
- Wipe somebody’s nose with your bare hand.
- Eat baby food.
- Blame a fart on a child.
- Blame a child’s fart on your spouse.
- Get someone dressed while you’re in the shower.
- Cut up a grape.
- Almost agree to cut up a raisin.
- Pretend to enjoy the flavor of a prune.
- Ask someone why their hair smells like Gogurt.
- Ask someone why their hair smells like your antiperspirant.
- Put someone else’s toenail clippings in your pocket.
- Let someone watch you crap while they stare blankly eating a popsicle.
- Have someone think you’re amazing at frisbee.
Enjoy.
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{ 89 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG, my baby’s head smells like my husband’s deodorant all the time! He holds her where her head rests in his armpit. I keep telling him to stop this. I come home and pick up the baby and take a big ol’ whiff of what I think is going to be that intoxicating baby head smell and it smells like his armpit!
Bahaha. Just found your blog, and I’m getting great enjoyment out of it :) Cheers.
I LOVE sitting on the toilet. Some days it's the only time I get to sit down all day. What does it say about your life if you look forward to #2?!?!
Also, the really scary thing is when you eat food off a floor that has 't been cleaned in months.
I had a rough day today. It is 8:10 and this is the first thing that made me laugh out loud all day. So thanks, I needed that!
I just did #15 this morning… about twenty-five times. Grapes make a great breakfast for baby-led weaning.. ;)
Just this past weekend, I witnessed a friend suck snot out of his son's nose with his own mouth so his son could breathe better. Today, My daughter woke up with a cold and I considered doing it myself…..
Things we do for our kids… ;)
How about this – to get my constipated daughter to accept a suppository the first time, I allowed her to insert one in me first! "Hey, no big deal."
Jason,
You are a funny funny guy! I laughed till I cried, at work, in a uniform.
If we couldn't laugh about it, we'd all lose our minds!
Thanks for assuring me I'm not the only one!
Hahahaha! Just found your blog and I'm already lol'ing :)
The toilet thing…my one year old likes to play with those weird cap-covered screws on the bottom of the bowl so his face is like 2 inches from my butt while I'm sitting there doing a number 2. Also, he's often enjoying a snack while doing this. It's either that or lock him out and listen to him go apeshit crying outside the door until I'm done.
Ah, parenthood…I had no idea until I did it.
That's crazy, my one year old is infatuated with those caps too :) Very funny, great post, thx!
Since becoming a parent (3 boys now!), I've found that I'm a great multitasker, ESPECIALLY when on the toilet. Things I've done while sitting on the toilet: opened various snack and juice box packages, read a book, tied shoes, helped my 3-year-old also poop, help get past a hard part of a game on a handheld device, wipe noses, distract a toddler in a public restroom by asking him to stand on various square tiles so he doesn't a) leave the stall by crawling under the door, b) touch anything else, and c) notice and comment on what other people in the restroom are doing.
Great blog! You are hilarious!!
You. Are. Amazing
I am in tears laughing…..so happy I found your blog. I have 2 boys- 3 years and 18 mths and no-one ever told me that I would never again be able to go to the bathroom in peace. I take a shower, they open the door, stroll in and just watch me like the tv. I go to use the toilet and they'll saunter in and applaud my efforts. While I was hovering over the toilet seat in a public restroom, my 3 year old exclaimed in a loud voice (is there any other for 3 yr old boys)- "Mommy, you're peeing standing up, did Daddy show you how to do that?" I love them, but my sanity is going
I actually cut some raisens.
Nursing your newborn while lifting your 2 year old onto the potty with the other arm, sitting there while she poops, wiping her butt, and helping her wash her hands – all without breaking your latch. So glad I don't have an infant for this round of potty training!
Held someone else's poop in your bare hand, calmly. Washed poop murals off the walls and crib. Caught them playing with the tampon applicators they got out of the trash (yes that means they were used.) The last two weren't my kids but I had the pleasure of witnessing.
While naked in the shower shampooing my hair…. curtain rips open…..2 year old standing there…."can you tie my shoe"? So he puts it up on the side of the tub – I rinse my hands and tie the shoe… "where's daddy"? "he's watching TV". Well okay then.
Check math homework while taking a crap. And yes, the student is standing there eagerly awaiting the results…of the math work.
If I shut the bathroom door in my house, the children, the dog and the cat all stand outside of it and wail and beat and scratch on it like I have gone into another demension and there is a possibility I am never going to come out again. Nothing is private anymore.
ha ha ha ha -I love when they ask as I'm going in and slamming the door…"PEE OR POO????????" NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!
Retrieve your freshly peed on (and positive!) pregnancy stick from your two-year-old's mouth because he is trying to brush his teeth with it.
Ask someone why their sisters hair smells like their daddys antiperspirant! … Oh yeah, that just happened…
All these somewhat exaggerated 'stories' about mothers & partners & babies/children are a bit much. Admittedly, it can be stressful mothering but it's been going on since the cromagnon era & nothing is new, except that mothers have so much time on their hands these days, they feel it necessary to joke in a suffering way about their 'experiences'. Suck it up, feed the kid(s), clean the house, cook (you don't have to bake) & just be quiet about it. Please!…………..I'm kidding! You're doing a great job & wish we (men) could be more helpful?
you are an idiot. there is nothing wrong with people having fun and making fun of their lives. wanna be more helpful? keep your stupid cromagnon comments to yourself.
I still marvel that it's COMPLETELY NORMAL to sniff another human being's butt at regular intervals, casually, and in public, without even a pause in conversation.
How many moms out there have nursed their one-year-old WHILE in the shower WHILE brushing your teeth AND rinsing deep conditioner out of your hair because your cab to the airport for a trans-Atlantic flight is coming in 20 minutes? I have!
I never imagined I would utter the words "No! Not the floor! Puke into Mommy's hand!"
That right there is the difference between parents and non-parents. Parents know it is SO much easier to wash our hand than scrub a car seat, carpet, toddler bed…
One summer morning, my 50 year old mother chased Aimee, my 2 year old daughter, down the driveway of her home, catching her when she got to the street right in front of her next door neighbors who were in their yard. My Mom was in her bra and panties at the time……….
Watch the last 10 minutes of a movie in a theater knowing full well that the kid has peed in your lap.
Oh good gracious! I'm peeing my pants here reading this. The truth can be so funny sometimes!
Just found this blog – a good year late, but tears in my eyes with laughter as I read this post AND The comments!!! Thank you. Got 2 kids at home, and yes, yes, YES to so much of this.
Tell 2 yr old daughter to take the cheez-it out of her wee wee.
And then sprint to grap it as she removes it from wee wee and is going for her mouth.
Sweep up soft brown curls from under the table and remove scissors.
Apologize to the nice families sitting by you at that restaurant when your 2 yr old won't stop yelling GOD DAMN IT.
Worst thing I could add is that my daughter could not sleep due to stuffed up nose, and no "Squeezy-bulb-booger-sucker" could be found in the house, so I sucked the booger out with my mouth… Not proud of it, but we all got sleep that night.
Best. Comment. Ever.
This is very very funny and gross and sweet at same time. It's that statement people tell you when you have kids you will do anything for your children an well anything that will make your life easier. Glad you got sleep! I would of been having nightmares of buggers the rest of night.
My husband does that. Simply because he is too lazy to find the snot bulb. GROSS.
Holy cow! You are a brave, brave parent. Literally LOL, very out loud!
I was so amazed when I found a gadget to accomplish this very task more hygienically (sucking the snot out of a child's nose), I rejoiced. It's called the Nosefrida.
http://jasongood.net/365/2011/08/day-217-nosefrid…
I laughed so hard I cried while reading this. I actually did #20 just a few hours ago;-)
Sometimes, I forget why I got knocked up with #2 until reading this–AWSOME! Makes being HUGE a little more tolerable when you're reminded of all the fun to come around again.
I just snorted I was laughing so hard.
This is so fantastic! Thanks for writing it.
This is absolutely hysterical!!!! I am crying I am laughing so hard! Thank you!!! —mom of two small girls :)
omg, I was crying cfrom laughing too just now! so true, so true!
Add:
Talk loudly over your child who is exclaiming to the world that the person in the next stall "REALLY LET ONE RIP!"
and
Move faster than rays of light as the child pre-emptively opens the stall door.
and
(for the parents of boys) Master the art of the Superman pee.
Laughing so hard I am crying – which is not the thing you want to be doing in the office in this financial environment…
I have been out of the country and missed this one until NOW (10/27). Sitting here laughing until I think I am going to faint. Jason, you ARE the best!!!!!
I totally love you.
No. 21 – Check. Add to it, sitting on toilet with 2-year old trying to peep through your legs to see what's going on.
My son also likes to take his "little bit" (i.e., a square of toilet paper) and put it in the cabinet under daddy's sink. We have quite a pile of little bits in there.
Sleep on towels
So funny!
-pull oranges out of someone's butt.
-dumping Pine Sol, oxy clean, febreeze and bleach on your mattress muttering to yourself "I should've just put that plastic shit on my mattress too last month"
-"mooooooommmmmm-eeeeeee! Wipe my buuuu-uuutttttt!!!" and then find a kid bent over waiting, with a never-ending chocolate mess in their crack.
-pre-toilet training: in a store running errand: pull pants back to check if they have poopy diaper, to find out yes indeed they do, it's even all up their back. and you just stuck your finger in it! Moreover, you forgot diapers and wipes (bc what are the chances that theyll poop again so soon right? Ha.) oh and there's no bathroom so you calmly walk out of the store keeping your poopy-finger hidden.
glad i'm not the only one with the just pooped, bent over waiting kid lol
Very Funny CC!
so true, so sad, so funny
Thank you, I needed that laugh :)
CHOKING ON MY TEARS. You are my favorite person ever.
I scared my child just now cackling with laughter.
#21 is not clear … are *you* the one staring blankly and eating a popsicle (while also, um, crapping)? Or is the kid the one staring and eating? It has happened both ways in my house.
Ha.. I've felt like that's unclear too. My kid is eating the popsicle and staring blankly, though yes, I'm sure both have happened.
I died at #21! How about, holding someone in your lap to kiss their boo-boo, all while sitting on the toilet?
Oh I needed this belly laugh. My personal fav is #9
Mine too!!!! ;)
This made me laugh so hard I choked. And sobbed.
As parents to three boys (4, 2 1/2, 6 months) I was laughing out loud by #3 and crying tears by #12. LOVED it!
What about caught someone else's vomit in your own hand, mouth, on your clothes or in your bed…because they already vomited in their own bed first! Cleaning vomit out of their hair and nose…and then trying to convince them to brush their teeth afterwords. My son once vomited it a restaurant at the table. I felt so bad for the young 'new" waitress that she got me the bleach bottle and I cleaned it up for her. And then we left….but he did manage to hit my brand new, from the store, Dooney! I was pretty upset!
Nursing while pooping is even worse!
been there.
yep done that, lol
same here!
They just wont stop crying when theyre hungry, theyre hungry, and when you gotta go, you gotta go!
20 and 21…disgusting truths. Pure comic gold my friend
#21, while disturbing, SO VERY TRUE. Everyday I say to myself, nothing in my house is sacred, not even pooping!
23. Help dislodge poop from someone's butt-hole.
Done that one too. I felt like a poop doula.
Did you have a blog glitch?
Yes. I switched hosts and random severs still have cached nameservers. Should be better by tomorrow mornjng
I definitely agree that you should do a round two on this eventually. Or some of the crazy things hear yourself saying that if it was taken out of context would really raise some eyebrows.
I am horrified to share that my husband ate what he thought was a raisin off the floor only to quickly realize it was a piece of my infant's umbilical cord.
I simply – have no words……. LOL that has to be the most…….. oh god…. I just don't know!!!!
LOL! No way! Bah ha ha! Priceless!
Hmm… I'm only 8 for 22 after almost 3 years at this. What am I doing wrong?
How about hearing from the other room "MOM, I have a booger" just to come out & find that they never stopped watching Sponge Bob long enough to grab a kleenex! I walk out & there the 5 yr old sits on the couch, index finger in the air w/ a giant booger perched on top. "Mom, LOOK…it's a HUGE ONE. Get it off please" Yes, I have grabbed the booger with my bare hand before (insert dry heave here)
Oh, yes. We will hear a victorious announcement of "BOOOOOO-GER!" from the other room usually. He's proud to bring it to you… or just hand it to you like it is a coin or toy. I'm used to it (Kleenex stashed near by), but watching my husband try and keep the willies at bay while taking it from him was priceless. Oh, and we have "Booger check" so make sure we wipe noses. I think that grossed out my husband, too.
Hysterical! You definitely have to do Round 2 of this post!
LOL
"Eat food that’s fallen out of someone else’s mouth"…… Last night I wondered if I was the only sick and twisted parent to do this
Thanks Jason – I now feel slightly normal again ; )
Me too… Guess it's a thing.
Check! I think it's a trend!
So sad. Me too.
Whew. I thought I was the weird one.