You reach a point with your kids when you can’t be rational anymore. That’s when you start threatening them. Here are some of my most recent futile attempts at parenting.
Threat: ”If you ask to watch TV one more time, I’m throwing it out the window.”
Problem: Many things wrong here. For starters, what the hell am I going to do without a TV? Also, I live in a nice community where throwing something out the window would result in extreme social ostracism.
Revision: “If you ask to watch TV one more time, I’ll wander into the kitchen and eat all the brownies until I figure out if I’m willing to distract you from the television by enthusiastically suggesting that we play Zingo.”
Threat: ”If you don’t get dressed right now, you’re never getting dressed again.”
Problem: Not letting your child wear clothes is a red flag to child services. It also breaks your heart when after 10 days they start begging you to let them get dressed.
Revision: ”If you don’t get dressed, I’m going to do that weird thing where I become very still and stare out the window until you ask me if I’m ok.”
Threat: “If you don’t brush your teeth, they’ll turn green and fall out.”
Problem: Kids really don’t care at all about what happens in the future unless by “the future” you mean the next 8 seconds.
Revised: ”If you don’t brush your teeth, they’ll get this weird orange film on them. Look at your little brother’s teeth. See that stuff on them? He has that because he’s 2 and insane and screams if we try to put a tooth brush in his mouth. Also if you don’t brush, you’ll have to go to the dentist and even though I’ve told you the dentist is AWESOME and SUPER FUN and a PLACE THAT GIVES YOU STICKERS, it actually kind of sucks and you want to avoid it at all costs.”
Threat: ”If you don’t stop crying, I’m seriously going to freak out.”
Problem: Words with hard K’s are scary when you don’t know what they mean, so sometimes this actually works. However, if it doesn’t work on sound alone, I’m unable to simply “freak out” on cue; it’s something that has to happen organically. Forcing a freak out to prove you aren’t full of shit is more psycho than actually freaking out.
Revision: ”If you don’t stop crying, I’ll continue to ask you nicely what’s wrong, then turn my head and silently scream OH MY GOD, SHUT UP! while fashioning my index finger as a pistol in my mouth. I’m also afraid this loud, obnoxious and completely unnecessary blubbering is going to give me tinnitus.”
Threat: “Going to bed with dirty feet attracts monsters.” (Pretty hacky but I said it. Creativity tends to waver after 7pm)
Problem: He’s 4, and monsters are still very real. Now I fear he’ll obsessively start washing his feet like he’s at The Ganges River cleansing for a afternoon prayer.
Revised: ”Going to bed with dirty feet will … actually, you know what? It doesn’t matter AT ALL. I just feel like I’m not very helpful around here sometimes, and one of the only things I can do to contribute is keep you clean. So, when you go to bed, I don’t feel like I’ve been a good father if your feet… wait, are you still awake?”
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”If you don’t get dressed, I’m going to do that weird thing where I become very still and stare out the window until you ask me if I’m ok.”
I love this SO. MUCH.
I am very creative and use empty threats all the time. A common one is that if they splash water on the floor while in the tub, the floor will rot and the house will fall down and we will have to live in a bush with a bear.
Good one, Tara!
The other night my 2 yr old would not stay in bed. She kept getting out of bed and going into the living room to jump on the couch. I turned out all of the lights and said if you want to stay in here you can stay in the dark. I felt awful for doing it but it worked, she went to bed.
I once told my kids that if they didn't get in the car right away I was going to kill all their pets.
Not my best parenting moment. . .
ahahaha… Jesus, Bill.
Uh, you're scary. But I'm so gonna use this. Except we only have 2 fish. And they probably don't know their not dead anyway…
Im all for empty threats, but this is traumatizing and psycho.
You forgot 'Because I SAID SO THAT'S WHY!!'
How about the time I told #1 that if he did not stop sniffing #2's farts (aka butt-crack), I'd stop kissing him because of the smell, which resulted in a 3-boy ring of fart-sniffing?
I literally just laughed hysterically for a full 5 minutes after reading the line:
”If you don’t get dressed, I’m going to do that weird thing where I become very still and stare out the window until you ask me if I’m ok.”
Amazing
My mom's older sisters used to tell her that if she went to bed with socks on, her feet wouldn't grow. Hearing this, one of her other sisters (with very large feet) began to pile on the socks before bed in the earnest hope that her feet would not get any bigger. She now wears a size 11. It is still unclear as to whether the socks were indeed magic foot shrinkers.
These same sisters also told my mom not to go down the ravine behind their yard because "rabie dog" would get her. She stayed away from the back of the fence until high school…
So dead-on accurate. We are all sick. I remember when my (then) 3 year old son asked about his grandfather passing away and asking why. I said he was old so he looks me up and down and says: "but you're old, daddy. Are you going to die??" I panicked and said:"um, no, buddy. You have to have a long, white beard first" thinking we're cool as long as I never grow a long, white beard…..then I realized I just accidentally killed off Santa!
Reminds me of the time my 2 year old was absolutely begging to take a bath. Just repeating it over and over until I yelled at the top of my voice, "Say it one more time and I'll roll you in mud and never bathe you again!!!" Sounds a little harsh but she was really pissing me off.
Reminds me of how I have told my boys that if they pick their nose and eat it, no one will want to be their friend. And that is a fact.