Day 240: An Apology to LSD

Dear LSD,

I know we haven’t visited in nearly 15 years, but in all that time, I held the belief that I would see you again. I know we didn’t date for long. How many times did we even go out? 15? 20? I can’t even remember. Geez, maybe you don’t even remember me. Now I’m just being insecure. I guess, I’ll just come out and say it.


You’re probably laughing and thinking, “Umm, it’s been over for a long time, dude.” That’s ok. I just need to say all this.

So …. (deep breath), I want to apologize to you about a few things.

1. I’m sorry I never thought you were enough. I always thought I had to combine you with other things: marijuana, a case of beer. Now, with 15 years between us, I realize I never needed those other things. You were plenty of entertaiment for the evening. I just wasn’t being patient enough. You kicked in late a lot in those days, but you always made up for it.

2. I’m sorry I always wanted to do such crazy stuff with you. Midnight showings of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory; Intimate but awkward moments with bushes; Playing with phantom water; Terrible conversations with Art History majors; Wandering through corn fields with dudes named Terry. In retrospect, I wish we had spent more alone time – just you and me, figuring out important shit and then forgetting it. We were so young, weren’t we?

3. I’m sorry I took sleeping pills to make you go away at 7am. Sometimes I would put you on my tounge too late in the afternoon and sometimes you would simply last too long. Come on, you know you used to do that. I hope you aren’t still mad about it. I’m sure it was weird when the Sominex hit you over the head with a sledge hammer, but I could never handle being under your influence while other students walked to class in the morning. I know you were just doing your job. I was just trying to do mine.

4. I’m sorry that I haven’t fully ended it with Ecstasy yet. That probably comes as a shock to you. I know you two were always fighting for my attention. If you want to know the truth, you usually won, but mostly because you were always hanging around. I haven’t been with Ecstasy for more than 15 years, but sometime in the future, if I’m in a situation where I absolutely need a 10 hour emotional orgasm, or new-agey therapy, E will be  there for me. I hope you understand.

Anyway, I’m not even sure you still live at this address. I hope you’re well and doing tons of business.

Warmest Regards,


I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

5 comments On Day 240: An Apology to LSD

  • I once spent a pleasurable night alone with ol' Lucy. We hung our heads over the end of a dock and played for hours with a flashlight beam and our long blond hair. We watched the stars reflected in the dark lake, until the sky was suspended both above and below… We balanced in between. Holy shit… Does anyone else feel like they're tripping?

  • So awesome, and so very true!

  • From someone who never did drugs, no really…I always wondered what I missed out on. I still think about trying it, but I have young kids who still may need me in the middle of the night or I might find a job that takes hair samples. Yes I am still scared, but I think if the situation would arise I may just try it. Yes I was/am a nerd…

  • I still like to think that I'll visit with Mr. Lysergic Acid (sp?) again one day but I've lost his address.

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