I know we haven’t visited in nearly 15 years, but in all that time, I held the belief that I would see you again. I know we didn’t date for long. How many times did we even go out? 15? 20? I can’t even remember. Geez, maybe you don’t even remember me. Now I’m just being insecure. I guess, I’ll just come out and say it.
You’re probably laughing and thinking, “Umm, it’s been over for a long time, dude.” That’s ok. I just need to say all this.
So …. (deep breath), I want to apologize to you about a few things.
1. I’m sorry I never thought you were enough. I always thought I had to combine you with other things: marijuana, a case of beer. Now, with 15 years between us, I realize I never needed those other things. You were plenty of entertaiment for the evening. I just wasn’t being patient enough. You kicked in late a lot in those days, but you always made up for it.
2. I’m sorry I always wanted to do such crazy stuff with you. Midnight showings of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory; Intimate but awkward moments with bushes; Playing with phantom water; Terrible conversations with Art History majors; Wandering through corn fields with dudes named Terry. In retrospect, I wish we had spent more alone time – just you and me, figuring out important shit and then forgetting it. We were so young, weren’t we?
3. I’m sorry I took sleeping pills to make you go away at 7am. Sometimes I would put you on my tounge too late in the afternoon and sometimes you would simply last too long. Come on, you know you used to do that. I hope you aren’t still mad about it. I’m sure it was weird when the Sominex hit you over the head with a sledge hammer, but I could never handle being under your influence while other students walked to class in the morning. I know you were just doing your job. I was just trying to do mine.
4. I’m sorry that I haven’t fully ended it with Ecstasy yet. That probably comes as a shock to you. I know you two were always fighting for my attention. If you want to know the truth, you usually won, but mostly because you were always hanging around. I haven’t been with Ecstasy for more than 15 years, but sometime in the future, if I’m in a situation where I absolutely need a 10 hour emotional orgasm, or new-agey therapy, E will be there for me. I hope you understand.
Anyway, I’m not even sure you still live at this address. I hope you’re well and doing tons of business.