Day 245: Your Turn, Berries

Buckle in, berries, this is gonna be a rough ride.

I get it, you’re ADORABLE, but honestly, you’re just a tiny pitless plum. Your hit rate is atrocious. Roughly 90% of the time I put one of you in my mouth, I think “Did I just eat a giant blister?” Actually, I think that 100% of the time. I detest the lazy manner in which you try to burst in my mouth. I expect something awesome to happen when I bite down on you, but the result is usually some half ass deflation followed by a bitter juicy run off. It’s like someone told you you HAD to pop and then you do it while saying, “This is bullshit.” Stop acting like a teenage employee at a TCBY, and start living up to your potential. P.S, You are AMAZING in pie, so keep that up.

That “p” in your name is bugging me TO DEATH. You know you look like a tiny beehive, right? And what’s with the weird hairs? I don’t eat anything hairy. Nobody does. Plus, you’re slightly crunchy? Am I feeling that right? What the hell is the crunchiness? Are those tiny seeds? You can’t be that small AND have seeds. You’re just a hairy, bitter, seed filled sack. Go hang out with a burlap bag filled with sand, you two should get along great. That being said, I do enjoy your color.

Boy, Danon really did you a steady in the 80′s by putting you in their yogurt, eh? They plucked you out of complete obscurity. Did you win Berry Idol or something to get that deal? You were a nobody and all the sudden you land some dope yogurt deal. Well, where are you now? It didn’t last did it? It’s because you never paid your dues. Do you have any idea how the other berries were talking about you behind your back during your yogurt contract? Me neither, but if I was a blueberry I would have been pissed and talking shit constantly about how you took my limelight and didn’t deserve any of your success. Have fun not being grown anywhere anymore. Also, your name rhymes with poison, and given human’s fear of eating the wrong kind of berry and dying, that’s probably not a good thing.

Acai Berries
Oh Boy, you’re just gonna save EVERYONE’S life aren’t you? You swoop in from Brazil making crazy claims about antioxidants and free radicals. You just chill there in your little juice bottle next to the Kombucha, acting like you’re some kind of gift to humanity. You know what, Acai, I don’t need you, OK? So go back to that jungle you came from. Take goji berry with you. I’ve never had either of you and I don’t intend to start now. My berry game is PRETTY SOLID and I’m not down with shakin’ it up.

You know you win. Everyone knows you know it. You’re super cocky. You’re the Barry Bonds of berries (wow, sorry about that. I had no idea where that was going as I wrote it). You’re KING OF THE HILL aren’t you? Sitting up there with your little green crown, looking down on all the other plebeian berries while lychee nuts fan you with dandelions and sexy gooseberries feed you beef tips. You’re huge and juicy because you suck all the energy and happiness from all the other berries. Leave some nutrients in that soil for the little guys, Straw… Be cool.

Juniper Berries
This is what some website said about you: Juniperberries: These berries are false berries that are actually modified cones. They are used to season pork, cabbage and sauerkraut. They are also used to prepare gin. What? You’re a “modified cone?” How does THAT feel? HAHAHAHAHAH, dork (except for the gin part, which rules.) Have fun hanging out with pork and cabbage, loser.

I know almost nothing about you. I think I’ve eaten you a few times. Are you a black fuzzless raspberry? That’s you, right? You were pretty damn good. Any idea where I can get more of you?

Wow! Your Dad must be the Mayor of Berryville, because you find your way into everything despite being nasty. Do you think it’s a good sign that you’re always combined with other fruits to make cocktails? That pretty much means that the juice people think you can’t carry a juice by yourself. You’re the Jennifer Aniston of juice. The only time anyone ever drinks you by yourself is if they have a bladder infection. You’re a medicine, so suck it.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

8 comments On Day 245: Your Turn, Berries

  • Oregon is the place to go for blackberries…we have a ton of them in our back yard! Also, did we go back in time or are we really on day 235? It seems like just last week we were in the 240's. ;) Love the blog! Keep it up!

    • There are tons of them in Georgia too. As a kid, we would spend hours outside picking blackberries in the summer.

  • The Jennifer Aniston of juice….hahahahahahahaha!

  • You are sooo funny.

    Just had to make a comment about mulberries. I had them for the first time this year. They are AWESOME. My two year old look literally looked like a vampire after a feed after the neighbor gave us the ok to ransack their tree. A plus is their super red super juicy juice doesn't even stain. Why aren't more things made out of mulberries?

  • Many ha ha's for this one……berry good.

  • Ahhh. Blackberries. Yum. Wild blackberries, even more yum.

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