Day 231: Glasses

I have to wear glasses when using my computer. The fact that my eyes are tired after 39 years of work isn’t surprising. Here’s the rub. I look like a complete psychopath in glasses. After searching for months, this is the best I could come up with. And yes, I know I’m slightly less photogenic than Bigfoot and work in a room that belongs in a Croatian DMV.

Here are some quotes from bespectacled Jason, whom I have nicknamed “Show me your papers”:

“Hey! Anyone need me to calculate some derivatives before I barf up this schnitzle?”

“What makes you think you would be a good fit here at Dieter  Stank and Edeltraut?”

“So tell me, Mr. Bruce Wayne, oh, I’m sorry, I forgot you prefer that I call you by your ridiculous superhero name. Tell me, BATMAN, what makes you think you can defeat my vicious army of acid spitting mechanical spider monkeys?”

I need to find  glasses that don’t make me look like “The Berlin Strangler”.

This is me without glasses. I’m calling him “Hey man, wanna listen to some records?” I’m comfortable with this dude. He’s willing to help you with your drug problem despite having a few problems of his own (though he would NEVER burdon you with them.) He’s a giver, and he cares about you. Very unlike “Show me your papers” who’s a completely unhelpful bureaucrat who will have your passport revoked for rubbing against his BMW while you deliver blutwurst to his house.


Here are my other glasses options. I don’t have pictures, but I’ve summed them up with nice little stereotypes.


  1. “What’s So Funny about Peace Love and Understanding?” The Elvis Costello, AKA 1960’s Military Industrial Complex or Roy Orbison. I think they’re the classic ray-bans.
  2. “Who, me? Glasses?” These are the all glass no frame weirdo ones worn by people who are really into kites and fly fishing, OR skeet shooting (but NOT fly fishing or kites)
  3. “PhD in English Literature” These are small and round and rest far down on your nose. The distance between your eyes and your glasses mirrors your capability of having a loving open relationship with another human being.
  4. “High School Chemistry Teacher” These are $40 at Lens Crafters and are also standard issue for the guy who rides with you  during your driver’s test.
  5.  “GUYS! IM TOTALLY WEARING GLASSES NOW” This option would involve something weird and attention getting. It’s the equivalent of bringing attention to something before anyone else can. Like walking into a party and saying, “Hey, I brought this zit on my nose as my date!”
I’m thinking seriously about #5.


I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

5 comments On Day 231: Glasses

  • My fiance has worn "…Peace, Love and Understanding" for the past few years. Before that it was High School Chemistry Teacher. Way before that, before we knew each other, and I only know this from his old driver's licence photo because he sensibly got rid of them before we met, he wore "He Was Quiet, Kept to Himself. Once He Lent Me a Cup of Sugar. I Never Would Have Guessed He Had All Those Body Parts in His Basement."

  • I agree with Melanie…altho I wasn't thrilled with having to start wearing glasses last year, I made sure I found 'pretty' ones to offset the irritating feeling as they slide down your nose when you sweat. Just sayin'.

  • Aleksandar Ivanisevi

    I'm from Croatia and was dealing with a Croatian DMV on a regular basis, and, believe me, you don't look anything like anyone working there, glasses or not :)

  • My advice? Ask your eye doctor, he/she fits people for them all the time and can get you the most unassuming pair that really fit your face. Seriously, I got glasses for the first time at age 18, and my own grandma who I'd seen three or four times a week since my birth didn't even notice I had them on. Unless you enjoy the Croatian DMV clerk look, and to that I say, moving on…

  • I say go 5. Go big or go home. Several of my girlfriends have glasses that would seem ridiculous, like red rims with purple on some parts, but actually look quite good.

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