One of my jobs as a father is to keep my kids away from poison, knives, and ledges. Other people have that job too, they’re called orderlies in a psych ward. I’m constantly on suicide watch because I don’t know what they’re capable of. Will they jump off the edge of the mall parking garage? I have no idea, so I have to assume the answer is “probably.”
The euphemism we all use is “baby proofing”. We have that for adults too and it’s called a padded cell. We’re doing this because we don’t believe you’re capable of not harming yourself. Does intention really matter when someone’s screaming KITTY while trying to jam a water balloon into the toaster oven? An adult would be put on an antipsychotic; a small child, however, is simply redirected to his train set and maybe a short nap.
That’s the majority of our job as parents; keep the kids fed and safe. The fort building, book reading and ball-throwing are bonus features received after we’ve managed to complete our base mission. It’s not easy to keep a kid safe. In acts of desperation, some parents turn to helmets and leashes. I used to scoff at parents who walked their kids like dogs, but now I try to give them a smile and a wink that says, “It’s ok, I totally understand.” All you non-parents who point and laugh at kids on leashes should shush and enjoy your carefree afternoon having a picnic of exotic cheeses in the park with a gaggle of women wearing gigantic sunglasses and ironic hats.
If, however, you see someone walking 3 or more children by leashes, like a professional dog walker, you have my permission to say something. No one should be pulled along the side walk by a gaggle of toddlers like they’re competing in an urban Iditerod. You should especially say something (and probably inform the authorities) if it’s summer and the parent is wearing fur and yelling MUSH at the kids while standing on a homemade cardboard sled.
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My children will soon be 3 and 5. If the 3 year old doesn't listen (which is often because he's 3 and because he thinks it's hilarious to have his Mom or Dad chasing after him in a public place), I just sick his older brother on him. Mostly because he's much faster then I am, so he actually stands a chance of catching his brother. Plus, it's really funny to see people's reactions as they watch a young boy being chased and subsequently tackled to the ground by his older brother :P
When I was a teacher, I had one rule: no death, no maiming. I figured not that hard a rule to follow. Amazing how many of my munchkins tried to break my one, very clear, very simple rule. A very few succeeded (luckily none died). Now that I am a parent, I am shocked at how FEW of them succeeded. "Parenting as suicide watch," followed by a weary sigh, has become a catch phrase in our house.
My kids are a lot older–13 and 16. I remember the long years when it was my job to keep them alive and when I worried a lot that people would abduct them if I wasn't attentive. (For what it's worth, I had a few near misses but they are still alive and in my custody.) After that, there were a lot of easy years (from a physical danger perspective), but as my older son has just turned 16 and is hoping to get him license in a few months, I can feel myself shifting back to: "Priority One: Keep him from killing himself or someone else."
Jenny, you are so right. Actually, a leash gives more freedom and is nicer than a stroller, especially for kids from 1-3 who want to walk and move! I don't use a leash, but I would never judge another parent for doing so. It all depends on the kid/s.
I'm buying my buddy a leash. He'd rather be up walking than in the double stroller but I can't hold his hand and push the stroller and no way in Hades am I letting him walk without my hand or some measure of safety. I used to be unsure about the leash/safety harnass, too, until someone pointed out to me it is the exact same kind of harnass that holds our children in a stroller or car seat only it allows them to move their bodies and explore their surroundings… safely.
Thanks for all the laughs. This blog is my new sanctuary when I'm going crazy.
Too funny! I love your blog! Found myself crying from laughter many times! We have 4 kids (12, 11, 7 & barely 2) – it's a zoo around here most days, but there is never a lack of entertainment value! Someone is always making parenting a fun yet challenging experience. Our youngest is the one all that "baby proofing" crap was made for, and by some cruel masterplan, she was the one that had serious medical issues so I think she actually enjoys taking our nerves to the edge! If there is something she can climb she'll do it – the higher the better! Maybe I need a bungee cord instead of a leash for her! :)
Thanks for the laughs – it helps keep me out of the straight jacket and padded cell!!!
ok this post, has made me re-think all the judgemental thoughts i had about parent's who use leashes on their kids…. i have a feeling i will be trying that -much to my horror no doubt! TOTALLY FUNNY
I tried the leash once with my daughter when she was about 2 and would immediately dart from me as soon as we got into any public space (ironically, at home she clung to me like white on rice and cried if I was more than two inches away from her!)
Well, she didn't like it and I knew something was wrong when I found myself virtually dragging her through the mall as she cried "noooooooo!". I have a feeling that was not the intention of the device! Needless to say we didn't use the leash again and I spent the next year panicking if we ever were out in public and she wasn't in a stroller or shopping cart.
Any judgement I had about child leashes before my daughter have evaporated. This post of yours was a hoot. Thanks for the laugh!!
Please never stop writing!! I need this insane laughter to get me through my days!!!!
WOW! This is so funny I am actually crying now. Thanks (I think).
Bahaha oh my I love this.
cart…not car lol just saw my spelling sucks lol
memory loss is a side effect of kids….
Awesome…Im loving the insight and the true words of a parent. I have two boys and they have had me running from the get go. Was sooooo against leashes until i became a parent…Hell I even used to strap them the the groc car via the buckle in the front…the leash was just long enough for them to either walk in front of the cart or side of it….an yes when I got the dirty "I cant believe you put your kids on a leash and then tied them to the car" look….I smiled and would hollar MUSH!
I have been a fan of the kid leash for years. I had a niece whose favorite game was run from mommy in the mall. I was a teenager and I had all out sprinted after her and barely caught her. She thought she was hilarious and it was for anyone NOT chasing her. We also got the backpack style and the leash lives in my purse. I only pull it out when my daughter is not cooperating or we are in very crowded places. And if I ever find myself taking 3 toddlers anywhere they will be on a leash! :)
Those leashes are just automated strollers. I think if people get mad about leashes, they should also get mad about buckled strollers.
Shirt collars are very handy for child control. When you buy clothes for your kids, always test the collars to make sure they'll support the weight of two or three kids.
Jason, you saw the error of your ways on judging a single leashed kid, but went back to being judgmental about having a group of leashed kids providing propulsion for a family vehicle? Until you've walked a mile in that parent's shoes…
ok, so I have spent the last several hours reading your whole blasted blog. That's how bad MY job sucks. I am seriously sitting over here at my computer laughing till I bout pee myself at 3 am. Loving this blog. keep it up!
As soon as my son was able to walk he could be gone in a flash! Just turn your head for a moment and GONE. I had taken countless elementary students on school trips to cities, zoos, farms, etc and never lost one for a moment but now I had the flash who would follow his first impulse at top speed. You better believe I go a baby leash. I just wish I had the guts to say what I felt to those glaring unknowing child free people at 4H fairs and zoos. "Would you rather see me saving him from the cow pen or from under the horses hooves?"
I've never put my kids on a leash, but it sounds tempting at times!! A week or so ago I turned my back for a few seconds to put one in his car seat and next thing I know the other one is half way across the parking lot heading for the four lane high way. I didn't know this pregnant mama could still run that fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I caught him about 10 feet before he would have gotten turned into road kill. No kidding about the suicide watch!!!
I too, used to be "disgusted" (exact word I would spat in judgement) at kids on leashes. Now, I proudly strap one on my kid at the airport and the zoo, and it's invaluable. However, it is disguised as a "monkey backpack" and the leash is the "tail." Needless to say, you couldn't fit an ant in the backpack–I'm not even sure it has an opening. Obviously invented by our kid leash convert brethren.