Day 227: Swamp Tundra Repeat

New Jersey is a giant swamp that freezes solid in the winter. That’s what you get here; 90 degrees, humidity and mosquitoes, or a complete David Blain encasement in ice. Between those two seasons, there’s 18 days of rain and hail and maybe another 4 days when you can mow your lawn without getting heat stroke.  Most of the east coast is like this and I’m starting to wonder if everyone living here is insane. Sure, California is going to fall into the Pacific Ocean sometime in the next 20 months, but it’s worth it not to have sweat dripping down your nose as you bend over to scratch a bloody bug bite on your ankle with the corner of a credit card. We’ve spent a total of maybe 7 hours on our patio this summer, and for 6.5 of those we were lighting tiki torches, spraying bug stuff and applying sunscreen. By the time you’re done with that fight,  everyone needs to go inside for lemonade.

A little over an hour ago, I was caught in a hailstorm. It was sunny and 85 degrees (not one of my favorite climate conditions) and then, in a crack of a chicken’s claw (made that up, it’s supposed to mean super fast), there were  slush balls pelting me on the head like the lord was having a little fun playing with spitwads and my patience. I thought I was about to be the first person to die in the apocalypse (an honor worth the suffering.) It came and went faster than a busy father at his step-daughter’s piano recital. The earth had taken a shot of Rumplemintz and promptly barfed it on my head.

I feel like I’m 75 years old and should just go to Florida and play golf. Actually, it’s probably too hot in Florida for me. I would be the 39 year old in the club house trying to get a bunch of 70 year olds to complain about the heat with me. “Hot one out there, eh fellas? I had to cut it short after 9.” They would look me up and down and then turn away in disgust to finish their conversation about the price of gold and the best putting stance when you can’t move your shoulder anymore. I’m left alone realizing I should have been born in Denmark.

You know where the temperature is perfect? The Mall. If there’s a place that’s outside, but has a mall climate, I’m moving there. Let me know. I like the outdoors, I just don’t like how it FEELS.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

9 comments On Day 227: Swamp Tundra Repeat

  • I live in California and LOVE it! About 2 hours south of San Francisco on the coast and the weather here is perfect because I don't like the heat either. If it gets over 75 degrees I think I am going to die.

  • This made me spit coffee back into the mug. Where I live it's 113 today. I often wonder why the hell anyone moved here and said "this would be a good place to live". Yeah, if you like blow dryer heat, haboobs and artificial air 6 months a year.

    I dream of moving back to CA but it's too darn crowded and the people are too darn grumpy.

  • Coincidentally, I am constantly telling my wife, family, co-workers (and really, anyone who will listen) that Denmark must have the happiest people in the world (confirmed by an Oprah episode by the way) and that I don't understand why we don't all move there..

  • New Mexico is a dry heat state- no mosquitoes to speak of. As long as you are in the shade, it is wonderful.

  • move to MAINE

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