In case time travel is happening right now and the 15 year old me can read these posts, here’s some things you (15 year old Jason) really need to know. I’m 39 now, kiddo, so you made it this far. These small nuggets of wisdom should make the journey a little easier.
- In a few years, no one will care how many pull ups you can do. Just wait it out.
- The role you’ve been offered in the local theater production of Our Town is WAY cooler than being on the basketball team. It SO doesn’t seem like it now, but the people in theater are way cooler than the people who play basketball. Weird, I know.
- Showing girls your baby pictures is a completely ineffective way of getting them to sleep with you. Same with crying.
- Before you pee on a police car, check to see if the cop is in it. Even if he’s sleeping, the sound of the pee hitting his vehicle will wake him up.
- Everyone knows you’re shoplifting.
- It will take the better part of a decade, but the image of walking in on your best friend’s mom getting out of the shower will eventually fade away.
- Remember the sense of panic you had when Dad caught you at the arcade when you were supposed to be on a bike ride? Get used to that feeling. It’s pretty much always in the background starting right around your 19th birthday. Why? No idea.
- Never tell anyone that you learned to blow dry your hair by watching Stevie Knicks backstage in a Fleetwood Mac documentary. NEVER
- OK, this is a tough one. The acne? That actually never totally goes away. Dont’ kill yourself!
- Kristin Milner is only using you to get back at her boyfriend for sleeping with Trina Mulrooney. Not all women are evil duplicitous liars that treat your heart like dumpster pizza.
- There’s plenty of time for a trenchcoat. No need to start now.
Godspeed, my boy.
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