Day 225: Hey 15 year old me.

In case time travel is happening right now and the 15 year old me can read these posts, here’s some things you (15 year old Jason) really need to know. I’m 39 now, kiddo, so you made it this far.  These small nuggets of wisdom should make the journey a little easier.

  • In a few years, no one will care how many pull ups you can do. Just wait it out.
  • The role you’ve been offered in the local theater production of Our Town is WAY cooler than being on the basketball team. It SO doesn’t seem like it now, but the people in theater are way cooler than the people who play basketball. Weird, I know.
  • Showing girls your baby pictures is a completely ineffective way of getting them to sleep with you. Same with crying.
  • Before you pee on a police car, check to see if the cop is in it. Even if he’s sleeping, the sound of the pee hitting his vehicle will wake him up.
  • Everyone knows you’re shoplifting.
  • It will take the better part of a decade, but the image of walking in on your best friend’s mom getting out of the shower will eventually fade away.
  • Remember the sense of panic you had when Dad caught you at the arcade when you were supposed to be on a bike ride? Get used to that feeling. It’s pretty much always in the background starting right around your 19th birthday. Why? No idea.
  • Never tell anyone that you learned to blow dry your hair by watching Stevie Knicks backstage in a Fleetwood Mac documentary. NEVER
  • OK, this is a tough one. The acne? That actually never totally goes away. Dont’ kill yourself!
  • Kristin Milner is only using you to get back at her boyfriend for sleeping with Trina Mulrooney. Not all women are evil duplicitous liars that treat your heart like dumpster pizza.
  • There’s plenty of time for a trenchcoat. No need to start now.

Godspeed, my boy.

I'm a contributing writer to Parents Magazine, GQ, Psychology Today and some others. My book, "This is Ridiculous. This is Amazing: Parenthood in 71 Lists" is available here Look for two more books in 2015: "Must. Push. Buttons (Bloomsbury Kids), and an as-of-yet untitled memoir I’ve appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham” and “Nick Mom’s Night Out." I live in New Jersey with my wife and two sons and enjoy making them laugh more than anyone else.

3 comments On Day 225: Hey 15 year old me.

  • excellent article. But I need more written

  • I am way too old to think about what it was I did as a 15 year old. Yet, here is something for your 39 year old mind to think about, the older you get, it seems the clearer those old memories (or nightmares) become–even though you can't for the life of figure out what you did with the car keys…I look back and wonder who was that angry young woman was who thought you really could change the world if you just tried! Preferably with lots of sit downs and pickets…Well, I thought about but I lived in Ky and they were always 5 years behind so they were basically useless to help me…Why did I think I'd never make anything of my life worthwhile? Sure, it did take me a long long long time to figure out my gifts, but hey, 4th careers are so much more fun later in life! If I could have a time machine, I'd go back and tell her to lighten up, not give up her convictions, they were really on target, but not to take the world so seriously and maybe give further education a try as the brain gets too forgetful later..Oh…one last thing…I'd tell her that they do have a name for her huge energy, ability to multi task, creative visionary who has trouble completing something…but she's lucky because she gets to figure it out on her own…no labels, no one predetermining your potential…all in all, I'd tell her she's damn lucky to live when she did…

  • I was recently reintroduced to the 15 year old me too! I found my journals! That year, I wrote 2 pages a day (roughly) as a New Year's resolution and boy oh boy was I one weird as hell kid! It was a blast!

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